At least I have the house to myself. But that's not nearly enough to make me happy.
Fuck it. I'm sick of trying and getting laughs and awkwardness back.
I'm no longer putting anymore effort in to it. Why should I with what you did today?
I can just imagine the conversations you have about me. All three of you. Laughing and mocking and rediculing and the "aye" and just forget it. Nope, no more.
I can't express how fucking pissed off and sadened I am right now. I walked away quickly, taking deep steps and hard stairs at the cars driving by. I walked with my shoulders straight and my head tilted upward, towards the sky. I jumped from shere anger to supressed tears and decided things had to change.
This really hasn't been working out at all. "I'm mad and I'm not going to take it anymore!" Nope, no more effort from me.
I want to give up for now and find another. Another, who I can learn from. Easy. Then, when the time comes--when it's truly right--I'll be more educated and wiser.
I still couldn't believe that she told me that. And now it all makes sense. And now, even though I thought I could do it, I realized I can't. And now I'm slowly giving up.
**********
I was so obnoxious and carefree and loving it today.
I completely ruled and pissed everyone off in Trivial Pursuit in History. I knew everything on pop culture and history and almost all of my guesses were right. I was the only person in all his classes to get Taxi Driver right, and Cheez Whiz and Leonard Nemoy and Chubby Checker. I knocked out two people. I was having a great time shoutign when i knew the answer and hugging Melissa when she beat Raul and falling on the floor and making Mad Cough laugh.
And in Algebra II, I'm completely loving whatever the hell we're doing with sequences and Sigma and sumation and whatever the hell that is. But it's like puzzles, trying to figure out the rquation and whether the series is arithmetic or geometric and all of that.
And I sat with Heather and Nicole in lunch and had a great time, wishing they were always in first lunch.
I had been feeling confident about my classes next year (AP Macroeconomics/American Government, AP English Literature, AP Art History, AP European History, AP Human Geography, World Religion/Holocaust Studies) and AP Biology and Marine Biology online and PreCal and Psychology during the summer. I was feeling very positive about next year and the summer and college and all of that.
I was feeling great, I was. Laughing and being obnoxious and all that.
But not anymore. Now all I can think is negative thoughts and why I'm not good enough and what I do that's so horrible.
*********
Things need to change.
I'm sick of only having girl friends, I am. I'm sick of girls and how cute this guy is and how they're always nitpicking and complaining and gossiping. I've decided that in college I'm going to seek out guy friends and get away from all girls all the times. And I think girls would like me more if I wasn't all of their friends. I really do. There's a reason all the girls talk all about Alex and all his friends. Goddammit.
I like them, too. I'm so sick of girls always talking about Raul and Stefano and Shawn and Alex and Xavier and all of them that sit in that table in lunch and throw things and act like stupid, loud boys. It's too late for me now. But I really want to swtich sides.
And I hate that I'm so jealous of Raul and all of them.
Things are going to change. I'm no longer putting in effort. And I'm no longer going to be loud and obnoxious. I'm really not. I'm going to sit back and keep to myself and take things in and make people wonder and stop being someone I'm not. I swear to god.
I'm no longer putting anymore effort in to it. Why should I with what you did today?
I can just imagine the conversations you have about me. All three of you. Laughing and mocking and rediculing and the "aye" and just forget it. Nope, no more.
I can't express how fucking pissed off and sadened I am right now. I walked away quickly, taking deep steps and hard stairs at the cars driving by. I walked with my shoulders straight and my head tilted upward, towards the sky. I jumped from shere anger to supressed tears and decided things had to change.
This really hasn't been working out at all. "I'm mad and I'm not going to take it anymore!" Nope, no more effort from me.
I want to give up for now and find another. Another, who I can learn from. Easy. Then, when the time comes--when it's truly right--I'll be more educated and wiser.
I still couldn't believe that she told me that. And now it all makes sense. And now, even though I thought I could do it, I realized I can't. And now I'm slowly giving up.
**********
I was so obnoxious and carefree and loving it today.
I completely ruled and pissed everyone off in Trivial Pursuit in History. I knew everything on pop culture and history and almost all of my guesses were right. I was the only person in all his classes to get Taxi Driver right, and Cheez Whiz and Leonard Nemoy and Chubby Checker. I knocked out two people. I was having a great time shoutign when i knew the answer and hugging Melissa when she beat Raul and falling on the floor and making Mad Cough laugh.
And in Algebra II, I'm completely loving whatever the hell we're doing with sequences and Sigma and sumation and whatever the hell that is. But it's like puzzles, trying to figure out the rquation and whether the series is arithmetic or geometric and all of that.
And I sat with Heather and Nicole in lunch and had a great time, wishing they were always in first lunch.
I had been feeling confident about my classes next year (AP Macroeconomics/American Government, AP English Literature, AP Art History, AP European History, AP Human Geography, World Religion/Holocaust Studies) and AP Biology and Marine Biology online and PreCal and Psychology during the summer. I was feeling very positive about next year and the summer and college and all of that.
I was feeling great, I was. Laughing and being obnoxious and all that.
But not anymore. Now all I can think is negative thoughts and why I'm not good enough and what I do that's so horrible.
*********
Things need to change.
I'm sick of only having girl friends, I am. I'm sick of girls and how cute this guy is and how they're always nitpicking and complaining and gossiping. I've decided that in college I'm going to seek out guy friends and get away from all girls all the times. And I think girls would like me more if I wasn't all of their friends. I really do. There's a reason all the girls talk all about Alex and all his friends. Goddammit.
I like them, too. I'm so sick of girls always talking about Raul and Stefano and Shawn and Alex and Xavier and all of them that sit in that table in lunch and throw things and act like stupid, loud boys. It's too late for me now. But I really want to swtich sides.
And I hate that I'm so jealous of Raul and all of them.
Things are going to change. I'm no longer putting in effort. And I'm no longer going to be loud and obnoxious. I'm really not. I'm going to sit back and keep to myself and take things in and make people wonder and stop being someone I'm not. I swear to god.