Fried Brains
I got bogged down in the accounts today, one curly wurly transaction after another. I should know better than to try and get my head around numbers when I am in pain, the effort to focus and concentrate nearly sends me insane!
My cousin Dee rang me to share her good news, she went to her divorce hearing and was granted her Decree Nisi ( Verbal granting of the divorce), and she will receive her Decree Absolute in one month and one day, around the time she leaves work, so it will be a week of massive celebrations :D
Danny and I went to visit Sheryl this afternoon, and it was really lovely to catch up. She asked me if I ever see or hear from my ex-husband, (to which I answered emphatically "Never.") and I guess with that and hearing Dee's good news it got me thinking.
The whole marriage and divorce system has been a bit of a soapbox issue for me after experiencing the whole process for myself. I have examined it from every angle, trying to assertain exactly why I am so uncomfortable with it all, and these are some of the conclusions that I have reached....
1. Marriage is all about ownership.
2. Everyone wants to be considered worth owning, even if they are not entirely comfortable with the concept of being owned.
3. In most cultures people are encouraged from a very early age to be compliant and practice habits and learn skills that will make them desirable to prospective owners.
4. Some people are utterly and completely happy and contented and feel very safe and secure within the ownership system of marriage.
5. Other people are never completely comfortable within what they feel to be the confines of ownership in marriage, but their early programming compels them to try many different owners and ownables, (marry multiple times) blaming owner/ownable incompatibility, rather than considering other reasons for their marital discomfort.
6. Some people try marriage once and learn quickly that the whole ownership system does not suit them, and never feel a need to repeat the lesson.
7. Others who know themselves well enough and learn well from the examples that surround them choose to never experience the lesson for themselves.
8. From this I observe that you can find true happiness in throwing yourself into the ownership system wholeheartedly, or by choosing to never be owned or own another, but there are many levels of unhappiness in-between.
Unhappiness is emotional pain and through pain we learn. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, and smarter.
So I honour my ex-husband for not killing me, for causing me much emotional pain and ultimately for giving me such great opportunities to learn important lessons and find new strength.
I will choose to follow the example of point number six...I have tried marriage once and learned quickly that the whole ownership system does not suit me, and I never feel a need to repeat the lesson.
The thing that made me most frustrated and angry about my separation and divorce was that I chose that my relationship was over, but legally I was still married. I couldn't just make a quick call or send off a short email to notify the powers that be of the demise of my marriage, I had to be accountable to them for my relationship breakdown. Even though a divorce is almost always granted in our society, I was angry that ultimately someone else would decide when my relationship was legally over.
I am not referring to property settlement at all here either, that was a fast and relatively painless procedure that was finalised months before I could even have my divorce heard.
I find it interesting to hear members of older generations admonishing the legal system, saying that it is all too easy for young people to get a divorce these days, that we should not be granted that choice so lightly, perhaps that we should have to suffer lifetimes of loveless and unhappy relationships as they have...?
The people who were most upset about my divorce were people who had suffered through years of trials and unhappiness within their own marriages, and I felt that their judgement came from a fear base that they had missed out on a chance of finding new happiness themselves.
By leaving my marriage and displaying relief and newfound joy in my freedom I was challenging their belief that had held them in their marriages, the belief that they could never be happy on their own, so they had better make the best of living their life with the one owner/owned.
All judgements aside, I know how happy I am now that I am living free from the confines of marriage, and I know that although I may live with a partner in a marriage-like relationship in the future, I will never legally own anyone, or be legally owned by anyone again.
My cousin Dee rang me to share her good news, she went to her divorce hearing and was granted her Decree Nisi ( Verbal granting of the divorce), and she will receive her Decree Absolute in one month and one day, around the time she leaves work, so it will be a week of massive celebrations :D
Danny and I went to visit Sheryl this afternoon, and it was really lovely to catch up. She asked me if I ever see or hear from my ex-husband, (to which I answered emphatically "Never.") and I guess with that and hearing Dee's good news it got me thinking.
The whole marriage and divorce system has been a bit of a soapbox issue for me after experiencing the whole process for myself. I have examined it from every angle, trying to assertain exactly why I am so uncomfortable with it all, and these are some of the conclusions that I have reached....
1. Marriage is all about ownership.
2. Everyone wants to be considered worth owning, even if they are not entirely comfortable with the concept of being owned.
3. In most cultures people are encouraged from a very early age to be compliant and practice habits and learn skills that will make them desirable to prospective owners.
4. Some people are utterly and completely happy and contented and feel very safe and secure within the ownership system of marriage.
5. Other people are never completely comfortable within what they feel to be the confines of ownership in marriage, but their early programming compels them to try many different owners and ownables, (marry multiple times) blaming owner/ownable incompatibility, rather than considering other reasons for their marital discomfort.
6. Some people try marriage once and learn quickly that the whole ownership system does not suit them, and never feel a need to repeat the lesson.
7. Others who know themselves well enough and learn well from the examples that surround them choose to never experience the lesson for themselves.
8. From this I observe that you can find true happiness in throwing yourself into the ownership system wholeheartedly, or by choosing to never be owned or own another, but there are many levels of unhappiness in-between.
Unhappiness is emotional pain and through pain we learn. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, and smarter.
So I honour my ex-husband for not killing me, for causing me much emotional pain and ultimately for giving me such great opportunities to learn important lessons and find new strength.
I will choose to follow the example of point number six...I have tried marriage once and learned quickly that the whole ownership system does not suit me, and I never feel a need to repeat the lesson.
The thing that made me most frustrated and angry about my separation and divorce was that I chose that my relationship was over, but legally I was still married. I couldn't just make a quick call or send off a short email to notify the powers that be of the demise of my marriage, I had to be accountable to them for my relationship breakdown. Even though a divorce is almost always granted in our society, I was angry that ultimately someone else would decide when my relationship was legally over.
I am not referring to property settlement at all here either, that was a fast and relatively painless procedure that was finalised months before I could even have my divorce heard.
I find it interesting to hear members of older generations admonishing the legal system, saying that it is all too easy for young people to get a divorce these days, that we should not be granted that choice so lightly, perhaps that we should have to suffer lifetimes of loveless and unhappy relationships as they have...?
The people who were most upset about my divorce were people who had suffered through years of trials and unhappiness within their own marriages, and I felt that their judgement came from a fear base that they had missed out on a chance of finding new happiness themselves.
By leaving my marriage and displaying relief and newfound joy in my freedom I was challenging their belief that had held them in their marriages, the belief that they could never be happy on their own, so they had better make the best of living their life with the one owner/owned.
All judgements aside, I know how happy I am now that I am living free from the confines of marriage, and I know that although I may live with a partner in a marriage-like relationship in the future, I will never legally own anyone, or be legally owned by anyone again.