(no subject)
With this trunk of ammunition too, Id end my days with you in a hail of bullets...
Im at a loss for words right now. Im not sure why. Reading through peoples thanksgiving "thankful for" list, and reading back on others people journals, makes me realize how much everything has changed in the past 3 or 4 years. I went through so much to be where I am now, some good some bad. Sometimes I want to go back and grab the hands of a few people and hold on tight just so I can still be holding thier hand now. Sometimes i think hey, I dont talk to anyone I was "best friends" with 3 years ago. Im good close friends with my ex, someone who I never thought I would speak to again, and oddly enough Id say hes my 3rd closest friend right now. Being as in Kevin is number one because of my boyfriend, And Luke is cleary Number one as my best friend in the world, and then Devin would be next...and I just find that odd and now Im getting off track. I dont know what Im thankful for because sometimes I just dont care about anyone except for myself. Thats sounds selfish right? Fuck it. EVERYONE feels like that at one point in their life. Sometimes I just think im extra selfish because sometimes I only do things to benefit myself, sometimes i purposly hurt people, and sometimes I just dont give a damn about anyone. But when it comes down to it I guess Im thankful for everything and everyone that has contributed in some way or another to getting me to where I am. Even if I dont talk to you anymore, even if I wasnt on your Thanksgiving list, even if yore not even reading this, or better yet if you are, and youre just not giving a damn, Thanks. Thanks for the pictures, and the words and the thoughts and the memories, thanks for at least one time or another meaning something to me and being a part of my life. Sometimes there are something I want to say to some people on my friends list. Sometimes I read my so called friends journals and think damn you are an idiot, but then that makes me that selfish person again. Sometimes I need to bust out with exactly what Im thinking about that person, as viggy once said "im not scared to voice my emotions" But I learned sometimes thats a bad thing so Ive learned to not say anything rather then say something someone doesnt want to hear. As much as I think this is my own journal to vent and be myself, it will never truely be that. Ive learned to deal with it. Just like Ive learned to deal with the fact that more then half the people reading this (or not) could give two shits about me. And thats ok. Really. Becaus emaybe I feel the same about you. Maybe I dont. When it all comes down to it, it doesnt matter. I love where I am right now, I love my job, I love Kat and Jackie and James and Rob, I love my boyfriend, I love luke, basically I love the things that I need to right now. And all that matters is that each and everyone of you have made me at least some part who I am today, and I want to say thank you. And I love you. And at least at one point in my life, Ill have really meant that. Hope everyone had a wonderful holiday.
Sorry for the post that probably 98.9% of made no sence what so ever.
Im at a loss for words right now. Im not sure why. Reading through peoples thanksgiving "thankful for" list, and reading back on others people journals, makes me realize how much everything has changed in the past 3 or 4 years. I went through so much to be where I am now, some good some bad. Sometimes I want to go back and grab the hands of a few people and hold on tight just so I can still be holding thier hand now. Sometimes i think hey, I dont talk to anyone I was "best friends" with 3 years ago. Im good close friends with my ex, someone who I never thought I would speak to again, and oddly enough Id say hes my 3rd closest friend right now. Being as in Kevin is number one because of my boyfriend, And Luke is cleary Number one as my best friend in the world, and then Devin would be next...and I just find that odd and now Im getting off track. I dont know what Im thankful for because sometimes I just dont care about anyone except for myself. Thats sounds selfish right? Fuck it. EVERYONE feels like that at one point in their life. Sometimes I just think im extra selfish because sometimes I only do things to benefit myself, sometimes i purposly hurt people, and sometimes I just dont give a damn about anyone. But when it comes down to it I guess Im thankful for everything and everyone that has contributed in some way or another to getting me to where I am. Even if I dont talk to you anymore, even if I wasnt on your Thanksgiving list, even if yore not even reading this, or better yet if you are, and youre just not giving a damn, Thanks. Thanks for the pictures, and the words and the thoughts and the memories, thanks for at least one time or another meaning something to me and being a part of my life. Sometimes there are something I want to say to some people on my friends list. Sometimes I read my so called friends journals and think damn you are an idiot, but then that makes me that selfish person again. Sometimes I need to bust out with exactly what Im thinking about that person, as viggy once said "im not scared to voice my emotions" But I learned sometimes thats a bad thing so Ive learned to not say anything rather then say something someone doesnt want to hear. As much as I think this is my own journal to vent and be myself, it will never truely be that. Ive learned to deal with it. Just like Ive learned to deal with the fact that more then half the people reading this (or not) could give two shits about me. And thats ok. Really. Becaus emaybe I feel the same about you. Maybe I dont. When it all comes down to it, it doesnt matter. I love where I am right now, I love my job, I love Kat and Jackie and James and Rob, I love my boyfriend, I love luke, basically I love the things that I need to right now. And all that matters is that each and everyone of you have made me at least some part who I am today, and I want to say thank you. And I love you. And at least at one point in my life, Ill have really meant that. Hope everyone had a wonderful holiday.
Sorry for the post that probably 98.9% of made no sence what so ever.