the return
So the whole school year came and went.. Of course i had band in elementary school.. that may have been the only thing to keep me from killing myself back then.. it was my only outlet to the things that went on around me. So june comes and school gets out.. i graduated elem. school! I was always sad though because i see all these happy Families.. and ours was... not happy or a family. i looked forward to going to jr high and highschool. When you lived in a town where i did.. the whole population was like the school pop of American high.. so we all knew each other.. and everyone knew what my father did. I became more and more depressed.. we were soo close but he still did what he did. I still remember sitting outside on warm summer days with me on his lap in front of the fire. Little did i realize he always drank .. it never occured to me how much until recent years now that i know better. Anyhow.. the week after school let out.. my father returns home!.. out of no where. I was in a way relieved.. but in a way totally pissed off.. i mean.. how can he leave us there like that.. vacationiing with some women and with us here starving.. i blamed EVERYTHING on him.. I hated his guts.. yet he returns and acts like nothing happened. A week later his "girl friend"and her kids fly from NZ and come stay with us. This was totally unacceptable.. i mean did he think i was goin to accept her as my mother?? It was horrible.. Her kids were completely stupid.. They did horrible things to my animal which i considered my friends.. Things like throwing rocks and sticks at our poor skinny horse.. and stupid crap like that. One day i caught the two ( 7 and 9 yr olds) Pouring Diesel fuel all over right where we had our burn pile ( there arent garbage days.. there are burn days!) So naturally.. you can guess how dumb that is.. once you light that match.. BOOM.. Goodthing we never had the chance to light it. Other dumb things.. We had a huge 12 burner, 2 oven stove . It was lit with a pilot light. One day me and my younger sister were going to light the stove so we can cook food. Now this is kind of dangerous.. So we get the match lit and put it under to light the pilot light.. and BOOM tons of flames and fire shot up.. cinged mine, and my younger sisters hair and eyebrows off. The thing that happaned was.. the kids had turn the nobs on the stove all the way up.. so all the gas collected and what happened when the match was lit.. was the result. They of course did not get blamed.. we were. Their mother was whicked.. totally dumb. We knew better then to do something dumb like that. I mean livin there does that to you.... you do smart not life threataning things. The mother didnt disclipline them at all. We told my dad when he returned from work.. he did nothing. So basically these kids moved in.. i was sick of it.. we were ignored by the bitch.. and my father. So i took a tent and went up near our mailbox and lived there. Seeing as how the women would not cook food for us.. i just lived off of the land.. it was early summer and there were some berries. Meanwhile.. my older sister had her baby.. and was getting ready to be married. My gma and aunt came up to oregon from here to see it. So me and my little sister went to stay in town at the hotel with my gma and aunt. From the living conditions.. we both had gotten headlice.. and were filthy and malnourished. So My sister got married.. and my gma and aunt offered for us to visit here in the bayarea with them for 6 weeks.. we were of course glad since.. there was food, shelter and no father and girlfriend with bratty kids. So naturally when you visit something.. your things at home stay there. So after the 6 weeks were coming to a close.. my older sister calls and says my father had sold our home up there and that they were moving back to new zealand. This was a horrible shock.. i mean.. our life was there.. the land.. our friends our pets! and he just sells the home and abandons us again. So.. Most of my life, clothes and belongings have and are still someone up in oregon and in storage somewhere. My animals probably dead... its sad but the truth. So this all sums up my main reason of depression, worthlessness and reasons for committing and thinking of suicide. I just get soo angry and sad. Marching band was the only thing to even start helping me. But i just cannot get over what had happened. Even my sophomore year i tried killing myself over and over.. people wonder why i am skinny or dont eat much.. you i tell most of you that i cant.. its hard for me... i just dont have the stomach and i will probably suffer for it.. but thats just what happens when your life is thrown away like a piece of garbage. I have scars from cutting myself. The other day.. i got mad and i constantly have a feelinf of worthlessness. People wonder why i had a strong connection with certain adults.. and you knowe why.. its because they listened, kept me from killing myself.. people are all wrong and .. that just made things worse! They assumed things.. and you know.. it hurts.. especially the one who had helped me.. it takes and took alot to keep me alive.. esp with the constant hating of myself because what had happened. I will never know why so i blame myself.. obviously we did something wrong because he left. Most people dont know that my sophomore years Homecoming dance was the worst in mylife. My dad a emailed me earlier that week saying he wanted to visit from NZ while he was in Mountain View on a business trip. Of course i flat out refused. and said i did NOT want to see him. So after that homecoming dance.. i did not expect to see my father there in the parking lot standing with my gma.. to pick me up.. I was pissed off! i did not want to go home, i didnt want to go anywhere near him.. he refused my polite invitation to NOT show up.. i hated his guts!.. but my gma made me get into his rental car and have him drive me home. Asking me.. how was my life... and i thought.. what life? The one i tried ending soo many times because of what you did to me? .. Once home.. he tried begging for my forgiveness for what he did.. he was on his hands and knees and was crying.. picture a grown man crying.. but nothing.. i didnt look at him.. i was crying myself.. so.. he got up and left. Thats the last time i saw him. But i dont care anymore. See this is what i have to live with.. it haunts me alot.. My life sucks.. and i always blame him.. and myself. People wonder why i have Lirit.. maybe a part is what i lost.. He is what can keep me happy..sometimes though.. i wish i had snoopy and all the others who are in my mindseye. He is a huge symbol.. I have taken medication.. but i dont want to be on it all my life. I dont want to be dependent. I just want to be a happy normal person.. but its soooo hard to even try. I have stopped taking my medicine.. but days like this i think i should.. i should take MANY pilled to make it all just go away. But in my head i think.. if he didnt so all he did.. i wouldnt have to be on medication all my life... Im probably going to end up some fake person.. and it hurts me.. No ones going to like me because of it.. and i hate that... everytime i try.. i just go back into that circle of hatred...