"BE GREAT IN ACT AS YOU HAVE BEEN IN THOUGHT" --SHAKESPEARE
so, last night was definitely a night of thinking.
i thought about how much i love adrienne. &how amazing our notebook is-- its become a lifeline for us. &how she has helped me with everything this year. she knows me better than anyone. she knows things about me that i could never tell other people. she can look at me &in a split second she knows everything thats going through my mind. &i love being her twin. its crazy. we are so parallel with so many things, yet we are so different. idk, we just mesh. i love it. &i love her more.
i thought about how much i love kristin. shes become one of my best friends in such a short period of time. i have learned to confide in her. &it feels wonderful to have someone to turn to. she has become one of the biggest sources of my happiness. i see her face &it just makes me smile. she is such a happy and down-to-earth person. we have wonderful conversations and times together. she helps keep me grounded and sane. i guess thats why i love her so much. she's amazing.
and then i thought about my dad. i took a survey last night &it asked when the last time i had seen my dad. and i thought about it &i couldnt really remember. &that hurt. it hurt a lot. i miss my dad. i miss the times when he was actually there. when he was a part of my everyday life. when i felt like he loved me. i know that hes always loved me. but sometimes it just doesnt feel like he does. he missed my birthday. he didnt even call me to tell me happy birthday. and while it might not have been my sweet sixteen or my eighteenth, its STILL my birthday. and that still agravates the hell out of me. it makes me feel like im not good enough for him. like im unworthy. and that disgusts me. and then christmas. he didnt come. he didnt even call. and christmas is one of my favorites. i get to see all my family. but in actuality, i didnt get two of my huge family christmases. and one of them was his fault. it was his fault because he wasnt there. and i hate him for it. &what makes it even worse is, i know that something is wrong. i havent seen him in over 15 months. i havent talked to in at least 4 months. his phone is turned off. and i dont know. i just dont. i dont want to care anymore. im tired of caring. but no matter how much i want to stop caring, my heart never could. my heart would never let me do something like that. because i do care. i truly do care. it just hurts. it hurts to care. and i absolutely hate that. i hate hurting. &im tired of caring. i dont feel like he does. &that angers me. &this just isnt going anywhere.
then, i got annoyed because i hate waiting. waiting is something i dont tend to do well. but im kind of forced to. because im not giving up until i get my answer. &im worried about the whole ordeal. i totally put myself out there. i poured my heart out. &thats all i can do. im completely out there. waiting. and im bored. just tell me already. grr. whatever. itll be over soon enough.
so, im done rambling. ill be home on saturday afternoon-ish. then sometime after that, ill be off to a uga gymnastics meet with miss liz. :) then hopefully ill be able to go to six flags with miss harmon, homeboy, &emily. gahhh. im excited.
i was glad to hear that louie &missa's surgeries both went ok. however, they are both in pain. but they'll be good as new soon. and i love them both imensely. <33
everyone else- have a fabulous rest of your spring break. :)
i love you. <33
later.
i thought about how much i love adrienne. &how amazing our notebook is-- its become a lifeline for us. &how she has helped me with everything this year. she knows me better than anyone. she knows things about me that i could never tell other people. she can look at me &in a split second she knows everything thats going through my mind. &i love being her twin. its crazy. we are so parallel with so many things, yet we are so different. idk, we just mesh. i love it. &i love her more.
i thought about how much i love kristin. shes become one of my best friends in such a short period of time. i have learned to confide in her. &it feels wonderful to have someone to turn to. she has become one of the biggest sources of my happiness. i see her face &it just makes me smile. she is such a happy and down-to-earth person. we have wonderful conversations and times together. she helps keep me grounded and sane. i guess thats why i love her so much. she's amazing.
and then i thought about my dad. i took a survey last night &it asked when the last time i had seen my dad. and i thought about it &i couldnt really remember. &that hurt. it hurt a lot. i miss my dad. i miss the times when he was actually there. when he was a part of my everyday life. when i felt like he loved me. i know that hes always loved me. but sometimes it just doesnt feel like he does. he missed my birthday. he didnt even call me to tell me happy birthday. and while it might not have been my sweet sixteen or my eighteenth, its STILL my birthday. and that still agravates the hell out of me. it makes me feel like im not good enough for him. like im unworthy. and that disgusts me. and then christmas. he didnt come. he didnt even call. and christmas is one of my favorites. i get to see all my family. but in actuality, i didnt get two of my huge family christmases. and one of them was his fault. it was his fault because he wasnt there. and i hate him for it. &what makes it even worse is, i know that something is wrong. i havent seen him in over 15 months. i havent talked to in at least 4 months. his phone is turned off. and i dont know. i just dont. i dont want to care anymore. im tired of caring. but no matter how much i want to stop caring, my heart never could. my heart would never let me do something like that. because i do care. i truly do care. it just hurts. it hurts to care. and i absolutely hate that. i hate hurting. &im tired of caring. i dont feel like he does. &that angers me. &this just isnt going anywhere.
then, i got annoyed because i hate waiting. waiting is something i dont tend to do well. but im kind of forced to. because im not giving up until i get my answer. &im worried about the whole ordeal. i totally put myself out there. i poured my heart out. &thats all i can do. im completely out there. waiting. and im bored. just tell me already. grr. whatever. itll be over soon enough.
so, im done rambling. ill be home on saturday afternoon-ish. then sometime after that, ill be off to a uga gymnastics meet with miss liz. :) then hopefully ill be able to go to six flags with miss harmon, homeboy, &emily. gahhh. im excited.
i was glad to hear that louie &missa's surgeries both went ok. however, they are both in pain. but they'll be good as new soon. and i love them both imensely. <33
everyone else- have a fabulous rest of your spring break. :)
i love you. <33
later.