tying up loose ends
This'll be a long one. My stomach hurts because I went to sleep before allowing my dinner to digest, and I have a lot on my mind.
So I had a conversation with Joe McHugh the other day.
I've been speaking to him again since I got fired, because I wanted him to hear it from me, and not some random nerd on the Geek Squad Forums.
I pretty much just cut him off, as is my specialty. He REALLY hurt my feelings, and he's a smarmy smooth talking Irish bastard. (I think I went through a phase when I was really into the irish-looking types... I'm over it though, like 1989's quilt coats) He's kind of low on the good people scale for me, because he was kind of a slut prior to me, and I felt kind of used toward the end of things. We slept together once, and then I lost all the power in the relationship. I was all, omgz "I love you joey," and he was like "I love you too, but I don't want to be your boyfriend."
That was aggravating to me on a level that most of you might not understand, because I'm not accustomed to getting to know a guy and them not automatically telling me that they want to be with me. I slept with him, for cryoing out loud!
He's emotionally needy to a level that I've never experienced so closely, yet he acts like he isn't. He's a leo, so he actually rivals my stubbornness -- which was fun for a while. We had the best arguments!
Anyway I told him that I stopped speaking to him because he didn't appreciate my dreams, hurt my feelings on an ongoing basis, is a pretty ignorant, sheltered, northeast Philly right-wing asshole and I was incredibly hurt when he called me lazy.
I'm a slacker sometimes, but he was calling me lazy in regards to my career, which is a big freaking no no.
In his defense, he did say that I was better than Geek Squad many times throughout the course of or friendship, and that I was destined to do more with my life than work for a retailer, in any capacity. That's a nice sentiment when it isn't followed up with, "And you're really far too lazy."
So I'm trying to step outside of who I normally am and be his friend. He's someone who thrives on friendship and the limelight, and he apperently loved me very much because he was legitimately depressed that I had written him off last summer.
How's that for exchange of power?
I really did want to talk to him quite a few times last year to tell him how Geek Squad City was going and how my life was and stuff, but I really wanted to teach him a lesson.
I think he even learned something from it. He's in school now and is trying to change his life. He said to me, "I guess I was tired of losing things I loved."
Wow, that's powerful.
I've never been very close to someone and not change their life dramatically.
I mean, we all change lives by our mere presence-- we learn from the experiences of others and from their behavioral patterns, etc. But I always want to get involved in people's lives and learn more about them.
And here's what's going on with Scott and I...
So many things are going on. Like we argue sometimes for the sake of arguing, which a part of me enjoys. I like getting the anger out through a stupid argument from time to time. That's been a standard in every relationship with I've had with a fire sign. (All two of them.)
But I'm not emotionally healthy right now. Not fit like I normally am, at least.
I have, in the last week-- Stopped speaking to him mid-conversation, gotten legitimately angry during an online conversation and just logged off, hit him in the back of the head, and made other irrational judgments.
I wish I could blame it on my period, but that bastard isn't coming back for weeks.
I get into these moods where I'm like very serious about working things out with him and seeing this relationship through no matter what, because I would like to have a family, and then I wonder if the only reason I'm trying is because I want a family so badly.
I want a happy, simple life where I can be somebody's mom and someone's wife.
That seems like an easy goal to achieve.
I'm not particularly emotionally mature yet, I don't think. Plus I'm really kind of frustrated and in a carreer-stasis right now. Scott and I have been talking about what I think is wrong with me, and the concensus was that I cannot function without purpose.
Getting past the idea of not having a carreer and a goal to work toward in that career gives me an identity breakdown, and I can't deal with that without letting my interpersonal reationships suffer greatly.
I usually use work to get AWAY from the bullshit of being close to people. Without work, I have no escape.
Scott seems to want to help me and is sticking around me even after I slapped the shit out of the back of his head, like a battered housewife, lol. "Why you make me hit you?" It's a shame too, because out of all the guys I should have been hitting, Scott's pretty low on that list. Joey, Frank and Glenn totally top it. In fact, I should have taken Darrell Brickhouses' advice and socked Frank in the nose.
Anyway to kind of weasel both in and out of telling you why I hit Scott, I thought he'd hit me in the face with a remote control on purpose-- hit is a strong word, like tapped... it's a long story, and fairly embarassing. Anyway to sum the story up in my terms, I ended up wondering if I'm a reincarnated abusive husband, and I was brought back as a woman for penance or something... whatever)
I think things are okay.
I don't know though. I get offended by little shit, and I wonder if it's because I'm not all there emotionally and want a reason to cry, or if it's really stuff I should worry about.
Like... we're still healing a lot of wounds, I think. Or maybe I just am. Either way healing is occurring. And today some of the folks that I would call my best friends in Kentucky, hell my best friends were planning an outing. Allison's husband really likes this soup at this one restaurant, and she invited me and Scott and our other friends Rachel and her husband (and her baby, lol... what a cute daughter they have!) out to eat at this restaurant.
So I'm stoked. We hadn't all hung out since Scott and I got back together, so I was looking at it as a good PR move (LOL, I'm such an asshole) and a good chance to test the waters and see how he and I were really doing.
Scott had made a previous engagement to help a friend who owns a business fix up the new location that he purchased for his storefront this weekend. I think Allison told us about this dinner idea on Thursday or something. Dinner was on Sunday. I was stoked!
Scott went over there on Saturday and helped out. He took a break and came bak to his apartment and played video games with his friend Chris. I asked if he'd be able to go to dinner with our friends today, and he was kind of iffy. Last night when I asked again he said he was gonna go over there all day.
When he said that he was going to go help out all day (which he didn't saturday, he like went over around 2, and came back at like 5:30, and then went back over at 8, and came home shortly thereafter) I was like, well that hurts.
I almost cried about it like a little kid, because I was going to be the only person there all by myself. My friends would be there with their husbands and one with her kid, and i'd be the only family-less person. I almost didn't go because of it, I thought it would feel pretty awkward.
I knew he could have made time, because well... he ended up making time after he got to the storefront and they said, Oh hey not much is going on, or something like that.
So he left, and tried calling me, and Allison and we were all eating, I guess. I didn't get his text messages until after we had left the restaurant.
Well, he tried.
It still left me feeling kind of empty, though.
I know that this relationship is goign to give me that feeling a lot, because a lot of the things that are really, really important to me aren't important to him. Like, little shit like seeing movies on opening day, to bigger shit like traveling and seeing america really aren't important to him.
And I don't feel like Kentucky is my permanant home, but this is his home. That's going to pretty much divide things, eventually. And he really enjoys having company and I hate having people over just to visit. If it isn't like a party or something, I dislike people lounging in my livingroom.
Maybe my internal issues with compromise are the issue, but I don't feel like I should have to... and that boys and girls, is why I think I'll never be anybodies wife or mom... because I refuse to compromise because I feel like I'm giving little bits of myself away every time I do.
My dreams are for things that seem like they're effortless for other people to find. I keep expecting to wake up one day and just KNOW how I'll get from being here, alone in my apartment at 4am writing about my dreams, to attaining them. I haven't quite figured out that equasion yet.
One day I'll figure it out!
Until then, I think my meal has finally digested. I'm going back to sleep.
Awesome everyday,
Pam
So I had a conversation with Joe McHugh the other day.
I've been speaking to him again since I got fired, because I wanted him to hear it from me, and not some random nerd on the Geek Squad Forums.
I pretty much just cut him off, as is my specialty. He REALLY hurt my feelings, and he's a smarmy smooth talking Irish bastard. (I think I went through a phase when I was really into the irish-looking types... I'm over it though, like 1989's quilt coats) He's kind of low on the good people scale for me, because he was kind of a slut prior to me, and I felt kind of used toward the end of things. We slept together once, and then I lost all the power in the relationship. I was all, omgz "I love you joey," and he was like "I love you too, but I don't want to be your boyfriend."
That was aggravating to me on a level that most of you might not understand, because I'm not accustomed to getting to know a guy and them not automatically telling me that they want to be with me. I slept with him, for cryoing out loud!
He's emotionally needy to a level that I've never experienced so closely, yet he acts like he isn't. He's a leo, so he actually rivals my stubbornness -- which was fun for a while. We had the best arguments!
Anyway I told him that I stopped speaking to him because he didn't appreciate my dreams, hurt my feelings on an ongoing basis, is a pretty ignorant, sheltered, northeast Philly right-wing asshole and I was incredibly hurt when he called me lazy.
I'm a slacker sometimes, but he was calling me lazy in regards to my career, which is a big freaking no no.
In his defense, he did say that I was better than Geek Squad many times throughout the course of or friendship, and that I was destined to do more with my life than work for a retailer, in any capacity. That's a nice sentiment when it isn't followed up with, "And you're really far too lazy."
So I'm trying to step outside of who I normally am and be his friend. He's someone who thrives on friendship and the limelight, and he apperently loved me very much because he was legitimately depressed that I had written him off last summer.
How's that for exchange of power?
I really did want to talk to him quite a few times last year to tell him how Geek Squad City was going and how my life was and stuff, but I really wanted to teach him a lesson.
I think he even learned something from it. He's in school now and is trying to change his life. He said to me, "I guess I was tired of losing things I loved."
Wow, that's powerful.
I've never been very close to someone and not change their life dramatically.
I mean, we all change lives by our mere presence-- we learn from the experiences of others and from their behavioral patterns, etc. But I always want to get involved in people's lives and learn more about them.
And here's what's going on with Scott and I...
So many things are going on. Like we argue sometimes for the sake of arguing, which a part of me enjoys. I like getting the anger out through a stupid argument from time to time. That's been a standard in every relationship with I've had with a fire sign. (All two of them.)
But I'm not emotionally healthy right now. Not fit like I normally am, at least.
I have, in the last week-- Stopped speaking to him mid-conversation, gotten legitimately angry during an online conversation and just logged off, hit him in the back of the head, and made other irrational judgments.
I wish I could blame it on my period, but that bastard isn't coming back for weeks.
I get into these moods where I'm like very serious about working things out with him and seeing this relationship through no matter what, because I would like to have a family, and then I wonder if the only reason I'm trying is because I want a family so badly.
I want a happy, simple life where I can be somebody's mom and someone's wife.
That seems like an easy goal to achieve.
I'm not particularly emotionally mature yet, I don't think. Plus I'm really kind of frustrated and in a carreer-stasis right now. Scott and I have been talking about what I think is wrong with me, and the concensus was that I cannot function without purpose.
Getting past the idea of not having a carreer and a goal to work toward in that career gives me an identity breakdown, and I can't deal with that without letting my interpersonal reationships suffer greatly.
I usually use work to get AWAY from the bullshit of being close to people. Without work, I have no escape.
Scott seems to want to help me and is sticking around me even after I slapped the shit out of the back of his head, like a battered housewife, lol. "Why you make me hit you?" It's a shame too, because out of all the guys I should have been hitting, Scott's pretty low on that list. Joey, Frank and Glenn totally top it. In fact, I should have taken Darrell Brickhouses' advice and socked Frank in the nose.
Anyway to kind of weasel both in and out of telling you why I hit Scott, I thought he'd hit me in the face with a remote control on purpose-- hit is a strong word, like tapped... it's a long story, and fairly embarassing. Anyway to sum the story up in my terms, I ended up wondering if I'm a reincarnated abusive husband, and I was brought back as a woman for penance or something... whatever)
I think things are okay.
I don't know though. I get offended by little shit, and I wonder if it's because I'm not all there emotionally and want a reason to cry, or if it's really stuff I should worry about.
Like... we're still healing a lot of wounds, I think. Or maybe I just am. Either way healing is occurring. And today some of the folks that I would call my best friends in Kentucky, hell my best friends were planning an outing. Allison's husband really likes this soup at this one restaurant, and she invited me and Scott and our other friends Rachel and her husband (and her baby, lol... what a cute daughter they have!) out to eat at this restaurant.
So I'm stoked. We hadn't all hung out since Scott and I got back together, so I was looking at it as a good PR move (LOL, I'm such an asshole) and a good chance to test the waters and see how he and I were really doing.
Scott had made a previous engagement to help a friend who owns a business fix up the new location that he purchased for his storefront this weekend. I think Allison told us about this dinner idea on Thursday or something. Dinner was on Sunday. I was stoked!
Scott went over there on Saturday and helped out. He took a break and came bak to his apartment and played video games with his friend Chris. I asked if he'd be able to go to dinner with our friends today, and he was kind of iffy. Last night when I asked again he said he was gonna go over there all day.
When he said that he was going to go help out all day (which he didn't saturday, he like went over around 2, and came back at like 5:30, and then went back over at 8, and came home shortly thereafter) I was like, well that hurts.
I almost cried about it like a little kid, because I was going to be the only person there all by myself. My friends would be there with their husbands and one with her kid, and i'd be the only family-less person. I almost didn't go because of it, I thought it would feel pretty awkward.
I knew he could have made time, because well... he ended up making time after he got to the storefront and they said, Oh hey not much is going on, or something like that.
So he left, and tried calling me, and Allison and we were all eating, I guess. I didn't get his text messages until after we had left the restaurant.
Well, he tried.
It still left me feeling kind of empty, though.
I know that this relationship is goign to give me that feeling a lot, because a lot of the things that are really, really important to me aren't important to him. Like, little shit like seeing movies on opening day, to bigger shit like traveling and seeing america really aren't important to him.
And I don't feel like Kentucky is my permanant home, but this is his home. That's going to pretty much divide things, eventually. And he really enjoys having company and I hate having people over just to visit. If it isn't like a party or something, I dislike people lounging in my livingroom.
Maybe my internal issues with compromise are the issue, but I don't feel like I should have to... and that boys and girls, is why I think I'll never be anybodies wife or mom... because I refuse to compromise because I feel like I'm giving little bits of myself away every time I do.
My dreams are for things that seem like they're effortless for other people to find. I keep expecting to wake up one day and just KNOW how I'll get from being here, alone in my apartment at 4am writing about my dreams, to attaining them. I haven't quite figured out that equasion yet.
One day I'll figure it out!
Until then, I think my meal has finally digested. I'm going back to sleep.
Awesome everyday,
Pam