The Mind of Gregory Allen Foltz, Unedited
First off I want to say that when I start ranting my grammar is very lacking, so if you want to read you'll have to deal with it.
"I wanna bleed
Show the world all that I have inside
I wanna scream
Let the blood flow that keeps me alive"
- Cold
Throughout the years I have kept my deepest, darkest thoughts inside. I have realized that this is one of the main causes for my mental distress. I'll start from the beginning...
18 years 356 days ago, there was a new person in the world. That person was moi, complete with birth defects. This is my first conflict with life, Why was I born with defects? What is my purpose in life? Why would "God" make me if I was just going to die? This is the main reason why I am an atheist.
I don't know of anyone in my group of friends who has a birth defect, let alone three. This has always made me feel like a mistake, like I shouldn't be here, like I am an outcast. The only place I've ever met someone with spina bifida or hydrocephalus or hydronephrosis was in the hospital.
Since I have these defects I have felt like people treated me special, like I'm mentally handicapped. In T-ball and Minor league I was always the kid who couldn't run correctly and the one that everyone had to throw the ball to easily. In school the teachers always asked me how I was feeling and watched me to make sure I was alright. Yet another reason to feel like an outsider.
Moving on, My sister is probably the smartest person I know. She has gotten nothing lower than an A since 3rd grade. She was valedictorian of her graduating class, and is in her senior year at Hiram College Majoring in Biostatistics. I've always regarded her as my parents' favorite since I'm the obvious screw up between the two of us. She Engaged to be married this summer to Phil, her boyfriend of about 6 years. I on the other hand, pick relationships that last a few months at best. Possibly my greatest achievement to date, graduation from NCST, will be overshadowed by her wedding, which will take place two days after her wedding.
"There are times when I'm just a shell..." - Stabbing Westward
The last day of school my sophomore year, I looked down at my report card and realized my extreme lacking of academic strength throughout the year. My father always came down on me the hardest for bad grades. He would yell at me for what seemed like hours, while I stood in the corner crying. That was the day I decided I didn't want to be yelled at anymore. When I got home I sat in my room for two hours with the barrel of a loaded 20 gauge shotgun in my mouth trying to decide whether or not I was actually going to go through with the act I was considering committing.
Since then I have thought about suicide countless, I'm sure most of you have too. Whenever I would get depressed about things I would start hitting my head off the wall, which I still do today.
Then I was able to drive. This would seem like a joyous time for most, not for me. I was always worried about wrecking and wished I didn't have to drive. I would get headaches from clenching my teeth waiting for the impact that would eventually come.
I have been involved in two minor wrecks since I began driving. When I say minor I mean there was barely any damage to either car. The first time I called my house to tell my parents I had been in an accident. My Mother picked up the phone. I told her I was in an accident and the first thing she said was "is the car ok?" That made me feel really good inside. My own Mother cares more about a car then her son. Why wasn't I aborted?
to be continued...
"I wanna bleed
Show the world all that I have inside
I wanna scream
Let the blood flow that keeps me alive"
- Cold
Throughout the years I have kept my deepest, darkest thoughts inside. I have realized that this is one of the main causes for my mental distress. I'll start from the beginning...
18 years 356 days ago, there was a new person in the world. That person was moi, complete with birth defects. This is my first conflict with life, Why was I born with defects? What is my purpose in life? Why would "God" make me if I was just going to die? This is the main reason why I am an atheist.
I don't know of anyone in my group of friends who has a birth defect, let alone three. This has always made me feel like a mistake, like I shouldn't be here, like I am an outcast. The only place I've ever met someone with spina bifida or hydrocephalus or hydronephrosis was in the hospital.
Since I have these defects I have felt like people treated me special, like I'm mentally handicapped. In T-ball and Minor league I was always the kid who couldn't run correctly and the one that everyone had to throw the ball to easily. In school the teachers always asked me how I was feeling and watched me to make sure I was alright. Yet another reason to feel like an outsider.
Moving on, My sister is probably the smartest person I know. She has gotten nothing lower than an A since 3rd grade. She was valedictorian of her graduating class, and is in her senior year at Hiram College Majoring in Biostatistics. I've always regarded her as my parents' favorite since I'm the obvious screw up between the two of us. She Engaged to be married this summer to Phil, her boyfriend of about 6 years. I on the other hand, pick relationships that last a few months at best. Possibly my greatest achievement to date, graduation from NCST, will be overshadowed by her wedding, which will take place two days after her wedding.
"There are times when I'm just a shell..." - Stabbing Westward
The last day of school my sophomore year, I looked down at my report card and realized my extreme lacking of academic strength throughout the year. My father always came down on me the hardest for bad grades. He would yell at me for what seemed like hours, while I stood in the corner crying. That was the day I decided I didn't want to be yelled at anymore. When I got home I sat in my room for two hours with the barrel of a loaded 20 gauge shotgun in my mouth trying to decide whether or not I was actually going to go through with the act I was considering committing.
Since then I have thought about suicide countless, I'm sure most of you have too. Whenever I would get depressed about things I would start hitting my head off the wall, which I still do today.
Then I was able to drive. This would seem like a joyous time for most, not for me. I was always worried about wrecking and wished I didn't have to drive. I would get headaches from clenching my teeth waiting for the impact that would eventually come.
I have been involved in two minor wrecks since I began driving. When I say minor I mean there was barely any damage to either car. The first time I called my house to tell my parents I had been in an accident. My Mother picked up the phone. I told her I was in an accident and the first thing she said was "is the car ok?" That made me feel really good inside. My own Mother cares more about a car then her son. Why wasn't I aborted?
to be continued...