Hello there
Well it certainly has been awhile since I even thought of posting anything in this journal. I do have another one under the name of Zubatron. That one is mainly about my adventures of the call center life. I actually want to discuss MY life for once.
What more could I ask for? I have a wonderful loving girlfriend, and her daughter loves me and thinks of me as her father and I couldn't be happier. But I myself am not happy. Why? Because I want to go out and make MY dreams come true. I know patience is a virtue and all good things will come to those who wait but I can't wait forever. If anyone knows me my dream is to do Tae Kwon Do and I feel as every day slips by that dream goes farther and farther away.
It's like I don't have any time to do TKD. Why? I work 4 days a week doing 10 hours a day sitting behind a desk feeling like a zombie talking to some of the worst kinds of people a day. I've been doing call centers for over a year now and I've gained a lot of weight because of it. I used to be skinny as a rail now I'm huge (well not really but I feel huge). I've tried to work out believe me, but the way my schedule is it's very hard. I used to work out at my job because they have a gym. I work 10am-9pm they don't give me a lunch till 4pm and by the time 4pm gets there I'm SO hungry I NEED to eat and I don't want to work out cause I'm starving.
So you could say hey do TKD on your days off. Hah fat chance! I have off Sunday, Monday and Wednesday. Sunday of course no school is open. Monday and Wednesday I have to watch Jazzy so that makes me uable to go to a TKD school since most schools don't have their adult classes at night like 7pm or 8pm so once again I'm stuck.
And this whole frustration has been adding up more and more everyday. I see my girlfriend go off and live her dream everyday and coming closer to it and it does make me insanely jealous. What do I get to do? I get to go to work and pay the bills and wallow in self misery. Working out by myself can only get me so far in my TKD career (ie won't get me anywhere). I see Rafael, my TKD brother, advancing farther in TKD than I ever will. Yes it does make me jealous, I have no hard feelings against him it just makes me frustrated with myself.
And all this adding up almost makes me feel resentment against Elizabeth. I don't want to feel this way but I feel like I'm being used and udnerappreciated for what I do. I AM the reason we live in this apartment. I AM the reason we have heat, AC, electricity etc...etc...It really feels like I'm alone in all this, that I have no one to look to or to talk to. I have tried talking to Elizabeth about this but I guess my manner or demeanor comes off as negative or mean and she becomes offended and we start an argument. I even try talking to her about my dream to do TKD but she doesn't seem to really care. She, to me, seems so self absorbed in her own life and doings.
Is this me sounding selfish? Yes I do admit it sounds selfish but I've been putting my own feelings aside and my own personal well being aside for so long now I'm tired of it. I've been working at a job I severely hate only to provide for her and Jazzy, and I'm not sure how much longer my sanity can handle it. Is this sounding like I want to end things with her? Hell no, I love those women so much I would do anything for them which I basically am doing anything for them to be in a sound stable environment and making sure they have all these things. It makes me wonder is this what a man must do for his loved ones? Give up on his own dreams (whether that means forever or for a little while) to make sure the ones he love have a stable home and place to sleep? You don't know how BAD I just want to wake up one day and leave and say fuck it and go back home and do TKD again, but by god I can't and I won't. When I say I can't, it's not because I'm OBLIGATED to be here because of any lease agreement or what not it's because I have a duty to fulfill and I must see it through. The reason I won't because I'm too stubborn and I won't give up, I'm too persistent.
As it all comes down to, I am severely unhappy with my life because of what I feel is selfish. Others may say otherwise. As for now, I'll continue living this life day after day hoping and praying it will get better. The only thing I can see that will shatter my dreams is if Elizabeth became pregnant. I know right then and there everything that I ever hoped for would go down the drain. Not saying I would run away but I just know all my dreams would come to an end and I'd have to put up or shut up. I know this has been rather long and uneventful but I felt like I had to write this to express myself. Thank you.
What more could I ask for? I have a wonderful loving girlfriend, and her daughter loves me and thinks of me as her father and I couldn't be happier. But I myself am not happy. Why? Because I want to go out and make MY dreams come true. I know patience is a virtue and all good things will come to those who wait but I can't wait forever. If anyone knows me my dream is to do Tae Kwon Do and I feel as every day slips by that dream goes farther and farther away.
It's like I don't have any time to do TKD. Why? I work 4 days a week doing 10 hours a day sitting behind a desk feeling like a zombie talking to some of the worst kinds of people a day. I've been doing call centers for over a year now and I've gained a lot of weight because of it. I used to be skinny as a rail now I'm huge (well not really but I feel huge). I've tried to work out believe me, but the way my schedule is it's very hard. I used to work out at my job because they have a gym. I work 10am-9pm they don't give me a lunch till 4pm and by the time 4pm gets there I'm SO hungry I NEED to eat and I don't want to work out cause I'm starving.
So you could say hey do TKD on your days off. Hah fat chance! I have off Sunday, Monday and Wednesday. Sunday of course no school is open. Monday and Wednesday I have to watch Jazzy so that makes me uable to go to a TKD school since most schools don't have their adult classes at night like 7pm or 8pm so once again I'm stuck.
And this whole frustration has been adding up more and more everyday. I see my girlfriend go off and live her dream everyday and coming closer to it and it does make me insanely jealous. What do I get to do? I get to go to work and pay the bills and wallow in self misery. Working out by myself can only get me so far in my TKD career (ie won't get me anywhere). I see Rafael, my TKD brother, advancing farther in TKD than I ever will. Yes it does make me jealous, I have no hard feelings against him it just makes me frustrated with myself.
And all this adding up almost makes me feel resentment against Elizabeth. I don't want to feel this way but I feel like I'm being used and udnerappreciated for what I do. I AM the reason we live in this apartment. I AM the reason we have heat, AC, electricity etc...etc...It really feels like I'm alone in all this, that I have no one to look to or to talk to. I have tried talking to Elizabeth about this but I guess my manner or demeanor comes off as negative or mean and she becomes offended and we start an argument. I even try talking to her about my dream to do TKD but she doesn't seem to really care. She, to me, seems so self absorbed in her own life and doings.
Is this me sounding selfish? Yes I do admit it sounds selfish but I've been putting my own feelings aside and my own personal well being aside for so long now I'm tired of it. I've been working at a job I severely hate only to provide for her and Jazzy, and I'm not sure how much longer my sanity can handle it. Is this sounding like I want to end things with her? Hell no, I love those women so much I would do anything for them which I basically am doing anything for them to be in a sound stable environment and making sure they have all these things. It makes me wonder is this what a man must do for his loved ones? Give up on his own dreams (whether that means forever or for a little while) to make sure the ones he love have a stable home and place to sleep? You don't know how BAD I just want to wake up one day and leave and say fuck it and go back home and do TKD again, but by god I can't and I won't. When I say I can't, it's not because I'm OBLIGATED to be here because of any lease agreement or what not it's because I have a duty to fulfill and I must see it through. The reason I won't because I'm too stubborn and I won't give up, I'm too persistent.
As it all comes down to, I am severely unhappy with my life because of what I feel is selfish. Others may say otherwise. As for now, I'll continue living this life day after day hoping and praying it will get better. The only thing I can see that will shatter my dreams is if Elizabeth became pregnant. I know right then and there everything that I ever hoped for would go down the drain. Not saying I would run away but I just know all my dreams would come to an end and I'd have to put up or shut up. I know this has been rather long and uneventful but I felt like I had to write this to express myself. Thank you.