utterly random.
i really need an outlet right now. and myspace just isnt very personal. its just so darn dependent on people responding to you that you feel everything has to be a certain way or whatnot...but i mostly use it for witnessing and here is much more personal. i think i will get even more personal and start writing in my actual journal again. while we were moving i thoroughly exasperated russell because i was packing up my book shelf and reading through all my old journals from middleschool on and laughing and groaning, but not letting him in on the secret. WOW. i dont even remember myself that way. its weird. time blurs everything. you remember things that happened in a queer light. they're......facile? is that the word? well anyways. i want to just reach back in time and slap my 13 year old self, but i guess every step i took led me to here.
ive recently stumbled(and when i say stumbled, its purely literary, i dont believe in stumbling any more than i believe in luck or coincedences) onto a really hard situation. there is a girl i met, and she is three months pregnant, but has contracted a rather prolonged case of the chicken pox. long story short- there is usually a 2.2% chance of birth defects but according to her doctors her baby isnt growing as it should and its possible that it has what is called congenital varicella disease from being exposed to chicken pox so early on. so she says abortion is pretty much her only option. and this saddens me. im going to talk to her tomorrow and put it point blank, would she be willing to go through her own slight physical risk to have this baby and give her baby to someone who is willing and can shoulder the responsibility of this baby? i would even offer myself up if thats what made her happy, or would save this baby. she almost seems relieved to be meeting me though, she let on a little when she said she was glad i wanted to talk because she is really dreading what she plans to do this saturday. i dont care what it takes, i hope and pray that she could see the long term effects of what she will do. abortion is awful- the mental, emotional and sometimes physical harm can last a lifetime. i would not wish that anguish on anyone :(
on another totally different line, i think ive lost my job before i even really had it. but im ok with that. i dont think i couldve handled the stress that it would have eventually caused. im much more happy doing something that doesnt have such far reaching effects. i dont like that fear of my mistakes costing thousands and even millions of dollars. yipes.
im sorely missing my cousins. i feel that we've all grown up so fast and what we had, such closeness and friendship as almost to be siblings, well its just gone now. really the only person who i still feel that close with is brooke, but even she is growing up and about to jump off to her own thing. sigh.
konstantine is sick right now. i hate it. awful time breathing and she pretty much refuses to take her medicine and inhaler, so we have to pin her down and force it on her. which just gets her really riled up and snotty and breathing hard. argh. but she took her first step today! me and russell were so happy we were acting like fools. smiles stretching from one side of our face to the other and trying not to be so goofy as we felt. shes become a regular little copy cat too.
i love this feeling
ive recently stumbled(and when i say stumbled, its purely literary, i dont believe in stumbling any more than i believe in luck or coincedences) onto a really hard situation. there is a girl i met, and she is three months pregnant, but has contracted a rather prolonged case of the chicken pox. long story short- there is usually a 2.2% chance of birth defects but according to her doctors her baby isnt growing as it should and its possible that it has what is called congenital varicella disease from being exposed to chicken pox so early on. so she says abortion is pretty much her only option. and this saddens me. im going to talk to her tomorrow and put it point blank, would she be willing to go through her own slight physical risk to have this baby and give her baby to someone who is willing and can shoulder the responsibility of this baby? i would even offer myself up if thats what made her happy, or would save this baby. she almost seems relieved to be meeting me though, she let on a little when she said she was glad i wanted to talk because she is really dreading what she plans to do this saturday. i dont care what it takes, i hope and pray that she could see the long term effects of what she will do. abortion is awful- the mental, emotional and sometimes physical harm can last a lifetime. i would not wish that anguish on anyone :(
on another totally different line, i think ive lost my job before i even really had it. but im ok with that. i dont think i couldve handled the stress that it would have eventually caused. im much more happy doing something that doesnt have such far reaching effects. i dont like that fear of my mistakes costing thousands and even millions of dollars. yipes.
im sorely missing my cousins. i feel that we've all grown up so fast and what we had, such closeness and friendship as almost to be siblings, well its just gone now. really the only person who i still feel that close with is brooke, but even she is growing up and about to jump off to her own thing. sigh.
konstantine is sick right now. i hate it. awful time breathing and she pretty much refuses to take her medicine and inhaler, so we have to pin her down and force it on her. which just gets her really riled up and snotty and breathing hard. argh. but she took her first step today! me and russell were so happy we were acting like fools. smiles stretching from one side of our face to the other and trying not to be so goofy as we felt. shes become a regular little copy cat too.
i love this feeling