I'm not dead - just floating
I'm not scared - just changin'.
~Pink
I don't normally listen to, much less quote, Pink songs, but it happened to come on and seemed to perfectly encapsulate what I've been feeling lately.
I feel like I'm floating through quite a bit of my life right now. There is so much going on that I don't have time to actually touch down and spend enough time with something to do it right (except for school....I've always been able to prioritize school....even when I start to hate it, I still give it the bulk of my time).
My job at the hotel? I spend most of my time reading books for class, writing papers for class, or grading papers for my TA job. I spend very little time actually caring about the hotel guests. I'm not a bad employee at this point - I stop whatever I'm doing and help the guests when they come to the desk. It's just that I'm a mediocre employee. I'm so used to going above and beyond at everything that I do, but, when you're as over extended as I currently am, something has to give. So, I do the job. Nothing more. Nothing less. Just the job exactly as it is outlined in the 'new employee' handbook. And everything I do is done with dark circles and bags under my eyes.
Sleep...another aspect of my life that I am receiving failing grades in. But I'm failing with flair. I know average 3 hours of sleep a night. Mountain Dew is my drug of choice. Today. Tomorrow. Forever.
My TA job? Well, I don't really get to set the curriculum so I have to grade/discuss whatever is given to me by the professor. Still, there are definitely ways you can go above and beyond and I am not doing those things. I would feel extremely guilty about this, except my students don't seem to care. As long as their papers are graded on time, they're happy. I kept thinking that someone would say, "Hey, remember the beginning of the semester when you would challenge us more? What happened to that TA?" But, as it turns out, they are more than happy to skate through their ivy league educations while putting in the minimum of efforts. If they are fine with it, I am too.
Wedding planning? Right. I have time for wedding planning. Other than occasionally stealing glances at online pictures of wedding dresses and some planning dreams (mostly nightmares) while I sleep, the planning on my end has ground to a halt. Michael and our family members have picked up a lot of my slack and I'm extremely greatful for that. Last week, my mom said something like, "Sweetie, it's alright if you need to postpone the wedding" and I burst into tears. Most of the tears were sheer exhaustion (I'm not really a crier) but there is also the very real fear that I won't get the plans in place and that we'll have to delay the wedding. That is the one thing I definitely don't want to do. So, I need to find more time for wedding planning. 2 hours of sleep per night will be plenty, right? Right.
Grad school? The one place where I'm not just floating through. I'll be graduating grad school with honors. I might die from lack of sleep, but I'll definitely be graduating with honors (unless I somehow completely mess it up next semester - possible, but, considering the history of my scholastic career, entirely unlikely). So, no matter how mediocre I've become at everything else, I'm still good at school. Yay for me. I still have my label as 'the smart one'....I used to wish people would see that there is more to me than that, but, at this point, it's possible that being 'the smart one' is all I've got. I'll take it.
In the "I'm not scared - just changin'" category of life, some big things have been happening.
Michael has interviewed (and been called in for a second interview) with a company in D.C. If he gets the job, he will most likely take it. It is an amazing job that pays well and would allow him to do what he loves. So, that would mean we'd move from Maryland to D.C. It's not exactly moving across the country - we'd be within a day's drive of our families, but it still makes me sad. Whenever I pictured finishing grad school, it was always with the idea that I'd get to leave NY (which I love, but is hard to live in because I have no loved ones here) and return to Maryland where all of my family members and Michael's family members live. Now, I may be graduating and moving to an entirely new place where I'd have no one but Michael (which is more than enough, but still, not quite the family reunion I kept picturing).
It's intimidating, but, I'm not the kind of person that lets fear dictate their life choices (where's the fun in always playing it safe?)
So, we've been checking out places to live in and around DC and, of course, I've been checking out schools in and around DC. I'll pretty much have my choice of which type of school I'd want to teach at. There are failing public schools in DC (they have the distinction of being some of the worst schools in the nation), there are small private schools, expensive (and I'm talking $35,000/year expensive) private schools, suburban public schools.....as I said, any type of school I want, the DC area has. The great thing about graduating from Columbia Teachers College with honors is that I'm all but guaranteed a spot at any school at which I apply. Thank you Ivy League! You've cost me an arm and a leg, but you'll finally pay off somehow.
~Pink
I don't normally listen to, much less quote, Pink songs, but it happened to come on and seemed to perfectly encapsulate what I've been feeling lately.
I feel like I'm floating through quite a bit of my life right now. There is so much going on that I don't have time to actually touch down and spend enough time with something to do it right (except for school....I've always been able to prioritize school....even when I start to hate it, I still give it the bulk of my time).
My job at the hotel? I spend most of my time reading books for class, writing papers for class, or grading papers for my TA job. I spend very little time actually caring about the hotel guests. I'm not a bad employee at this point - I stop whatever I'm doing and help the guests when they come to the desk. It's just that I'm a mediocre employee. I'm so used to going above and beyond at everything that I do, but, when you're as over extended as I currently am, something has to give. So, I do the job. Nothing more. Nothing less. Just the job exactly as it is outlined in the 'new employee' handbook. And everything I do is done with dark circles and bags under my eyes.
Sleep...another aspect of my life that I am receiving failing grades in. But I'm failing with flair. I know average 3 hours of sleep a night. Mountain Dew is my drug of choice. Today. Tomorrow. Forever.
My TA job? Well, I don't really get to set the curriculum so I have to grade/discuss whatever is given to me by the professor. Still, there are definitely ways you can go above and beyond and I am not doing those things. I would feel extremely guilty about this, except my students don't seem to care. As long as their papers are graded on time, they're happy. I kept thinking that someone would say, "Hey, remember the beginning of the semester when you would challenge us more? What happened to that TA?" But, as it turns out, they are more than happy to skate through their ivy league educations while putting in the minimum of efforts. If they are fine with it, I am too.
Wedding planning? Right. I have time for wedding planning. Other than occasionally stealing glances at online pictures of wedding dresses and some planning dreams (mostly nightmares) while I sleep, the planning on my end has ground to a halt. Michael and our family members have picked up a lot of my slack and I'm extremely greatful for that. Last week, my mom said something like, "Sweetie, it's alright if you need to postpone the wedding" and I burst into tears. Most of the tears were sheer exhaustion (I'm not really a crier) but there is also the very real fear that I won't get the plans in place and that we'll have to delay the wedding. That is the one thing I definitely don't want to do. So, I need to find more time for wedding planning. 2 hours of sleep per night will be plenty, right? Right.
Grad school? The one place where I'm not just floating through. I'll be graduating grad school with honors. I might die from lack of sleep, but I'll definitely be graduating with honors (unless I somehow completely mess it up next semester - possible, but, considering the history of my scholastic career, entirely unlikely). So, no matter how mediocre I've become at everything else, I'm still good at school. Yay for me. I still have my label as 'the smart one'....I used to wish people would see that there is more to me than that, but, at this point, it's possible that being 'the smart one' is all I've got. I'll take it.
In the "I'm not scared - just changin'" category of life, some big things have been happening.
Michael has interviewed (and been called in for a second interview) with a company in D.C. If he gets the job, he will most likely take it. It is an amazing job that pays well and would allow him to do what he loves. So, that would mean we'd move from Maryland to D.C. It's not exactly moving across the country - we'd be within a day's drive of our families, but it still makes me sad. Whenever I pictured finishing grad school, it was always with the idea that I'd get to leave NY (which I love, but is hard to live in because I have no loved ones here) and return to Maryland where all of my family members and Michael's family members live. Now, I may be graduating and moving to an entirely new place where I'd have no one but Michael (which is more than enough, but still, not quite the family reunion I kept picturing).
It's intimidating, but, I'm not the kind of person that lets fear dictate their life choices (where's the fun in always playing it safe?)
So, we've been checking out places to live in and around DC and, of course, I've been checking out schools in and around DC. I'll pretty much have my choice of which type of school I'd want to teach at. There are failing public schools in DC (they have the distinction of being some of the worst schools in the nation), there are small private schools, expensive (and I'm talking $35,000/year expensive) private schools, suburban public schools.....as I said, any type of school I want, the DC area has. The great thing about graduating from Columbia Teachers College with honors is that I'm all but guaranteed a spot at any school at which I apply. Thank you Ivy League! You've cost me an arm and a leg, but you'll finally pay off somehow.