(no subject)
everyone's back in school now, which means i have to start working again.
i know i haven't said much lately, but first and foremost i'd like to apologize for being so selfish, pushing everyone away, underestimating people ( especially myself ), and letting everyone down.
a few people lately have really effected the way i view things, completely. since leaving the hospital i've been in a semi-optimistic mood, mostly due to the kind words of strangers. most of us underestimate the impact of other people, the social context and cultural rules on nearly everything we do: how we perceive the world, express our joy or grief, treat our friends and enemies, even who we kiss. we are like fish that are unaware they live in water, so obvious is water in our lives. not that my feelings before were lacking validity, but the water - the social and cultural environment that i "swim" in everyday was dark, in need of cleaning.
the day after i left the hospital i spent a wonderful evening with kate and annie. one of kate's friends ended up coming over late in the night, and evoking change in me. inspiring me to be happy, and by complete chance saved me. he had been where i've been, swam in the same dark waters, and to much avail was happy, optimistic even. he was interesting, smart, and attractive, and he gave me hope. he made me realize it was possible. no, i'm not looking to have a relationship with him, but thankful to meet him.
yesterday at lunch nick made me promise him i wouldn't try and kill myself again, and as of now, i can say that i really don't think i will. it's nice to know people care.
next time would be strike three, and if i didn't succeed in doing so, i'd be institutionalized, and although the life experience would be nice to write about, i don't think it's for me.
i see lot's of people around me, in the same dark place i was, and really i wish i could save them, all of them. i love annie more than anyone, and most of all, i just want her to be happy. i want to help her. but when it comes down to it, happiness is all within yourself. you need to make mistakes to learn from them.
no one is past the point of saving.
i've realized loneliness is such a key element in being sad. everyone should just go get some hookers because a little play will make you feel better (kidding).
i've in a way returned to my old self again. i'm no longer looking to every person i know, or meet as a possible love interest. it's unhealthy to live that way. it's really not that important anyway. this plays in directly with this quote i read the other day.
there is this boy, i don't know him personally, but i'll admit it, i judged him solely on his pseudo-scene appearance, fashionably coifed hair, friends etc. when i stumbled upon his journal i began to read his entries and related to much of his words. i started to feel guilty for judging him, because if i could do that so easily, i imagine people do that to me every single day.
but the quote : "when you lose all hope in finding anyone sincere, you find someone perfect"
it is so true. it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. a person's expectations lead to behavior that makes the prediction come true. self -fulfilling prophecies often occur in love affairs, when i was unhappy, i thought " who would want to be with me?". people who expect to be rejected often behave in ways that cause their partners to intern eventually reject them. once i lost the need to be wanted, i was.
listen, smiling is attractive, when you're happy, people want to be around you. when you're happy - other people around you get happy, and the same goes for being sad. no one wants to be sad, so why would someone want to be with someone unhappy.
i've noticed this cycle : i was lonely and depressed, so i pushed people away. i didn't want to hang out with anyone i knew, because i wanted new, interesting people. the way you meet new, interesting people is by other people, you hang out with one person, they introduce you to another. then they introduce you to another, etc. if you're constantly meeting new people, you're less likely to be bored and lonely, and will also in all likely hood, find someone you like, someone you think is interesting. of course you won't like everyone, but even if you find just one - it's one more than before. being sad and alone solves nothing, because when you're sad and alone, all you get is more sad and more alone.
my tone now is good and happy, and i like this. i hope everyone had a good day at school. i miss the valley bus and it's riders, as well as that far corner in disneyland nick refers to as india, because of it's seemingly "indie" inhabitants.
i know i haven't said much lately, but first and foremost i'd like to apologize for being so selfish, pushing everyone away, underestimating people ( especially myself ), and letting everyone down.
a few people lately have really effected the way i view things, completely. since leaving the hospital i've been in a semi-optimistic mood, mostly due to the kind words of strangers. most of us underestimate the impact of other people, the social context and cultural rules on nearly everything we do: how we perceive the world, express our joy or grief, treat our friends and enemies, even who we kiss. we are like fish that are unaware they live in water, so obvious is water in our lives. not that my feelings before were lacking validity, but the water - the social and cultural environment that i "swim" in everyday was dark, in need of cleaning.
the day after i left the hospital i spent a wonderful evening with kate and annie. one of kate's friends ended up coming over late in the night, and evoking change in me. inspiring me to be happy, and by complete chance saved me. he had been where i've been, swam in the same dark waters, and to much avail was happy, optimistic even. he was interesting, smart, and attractive, and he gave me hope. he made me realize it was possible. no, i'm not looking to have a relationship with him, but thankful to meet him.
yesterday at lunch nick made me promise him i wouldn't try and kill myself again, and as of now, i can say that i really don't think i will. it's nice to know people care.
next time would be strike three, and if i didn't succeed in doing so, i'd be institutionalized, and although the life experience would be nice to write about, i don't think it's for me.
i see lot's of people around me, in the same dark place i was, and really i wish i could save them, all of them. i love annie more than anyone, and most of all, i just want her to be happy. i want to help her. but when it comes down to it, happiness is all within yourself. you need to make mistakes to learn from them.
no one is past the point of saving.
i've realized loneliness is such a key element in being sad. everyone should just go get some hookers because a little play will make you feel better (kidding).
i've in a way returned to my old self again. i'm no longer looking to every person i know, or meet as a possible love interest. it's unhealthy to live that way. it's really not that important anyway. this plays in directly with this quote i read the other day.
there is this boy, i don't know him personally, but i'll admit it, i judged him solely on his pseudo-scene appearance, fashionably coifed hair, friends etc. when i stumbled upon his journal i began to read his entries and related to much of his words. i started to feel guilty for judging him, because if i could do that so easily, i imagine people do that to me every single day.
but the quote : "when you lose all hope in finding anyone sincere, you find someone perfect"
it is so true. it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. a person's expectations lead to behavior that makes the prediction come true. self -fulfilling prophecies often occur in love affairs, when i was unhappy, i thought " who would want to be with me?". people who expect to be rejected often behave in ways that cause their partners to intern eventually reject them. once i lost the need to be wanted, i was.
listen, smiling is attractive, when you're happy, people want to be around you. when you're happy - other people around you get happy, and the same goes for being sad. no one wants to be sad, so why would someone want to be with someone unhappy.
i've noticed this cycle : i was lonely and depressed, so i pushed people away. i didn't want to hang out with anyone i knew, because i wanted new, interesting people. the way you meet new, interesting people is by other people, you hang out with one person, they introduce you to another. then they introduce you to another, etc. if you're constantly meeting new people, you're less likely to be bored and lonely, and will also in all likely hood, find someone you like, someone you think is interesting. of course you won't like everyone, but even if you find just one - it's one more than before. being sad and alone solves nothing, because when you're sad and alone, all you get is more sad and more alone.
my tone now is good and happy, and i like this. i hope everyone had a good day at school. i miss the valley bus and it's riders, as well as that far corner in disneyland nick refers to as india, because of it's seemingly "indie" inhabitants.