I don't know how you feel because I don't know how anyone truely feels except for me. But I can say that I have a good life. I have every thing I need. I am not ugly, I am not poor. But no matter how many things you have to support you in life, there is always a need for self-satisfaction. There is no way for you to tell how others are feeling about you, how men are feeling about you. There is only that self-satisfaction. I wasn't sure which post to respond to but I will respond to this one. I am antisocial. I like being alone. I dislike people. I know what it feels like to want to be alone and to feel tortured when forced to be with other people. I understand subconciously cancelling every plan you have just because there is something so relaxing, safe and appealing about being alone. The feeling of hopelessness attacks people of all different classes, and each feeling, if genuine, is genuinely important. Sometimes I feel really terrible, and I feel like I am wasting my life away. Everything is the same, everything is boring. Dying seems pleasant because you do not have to deal with all of those little things that you hate so much. When living becomes a chore, dying becomes that sleep that you need to catch up on. I am sort of writing this to you without really thinking about what I am saying--more just writing from what comes right out of my head. Every day seems like another fucking waste for me, time and money and energy that someone else could do good with. My entire life span has been more burden than good luck, and most peoples' lives are the same way. I feel guilty most of the time, I feel I always owe someone something, I feel like being alone gets rid of the problems that arise in any type of social situation. I would say, "cheer up, Kelsey, everything is fine and you have a good life. Just start living it." But I cannot because there are so many more things that are so complicated yet so boring at the same time. I don't even think what I am saying is making any sense but it makes sense to me and maybe it will make some sense to you. Although being a "teenager" is a time of increased hormones, I feel I am learning what life is really about. I see my parents and their true strife, I see people and their true problems. I see why no one wants to help anyone out, I see truths in the lies of perfection I was always told. I used to think about death a lot, (as most kids), when I was little and my parents quickly helped shove that thought of my mind. But death is imminent and apparent and seething. I try to fill my time with things I like, things that make my mind happy, make me forget. There are feelings that happen on their own without any provocation, and I cannot explain them. I cannot explain why I feel this way except that I think too deeply on what life really is, what is going to happen to us all, and things of that sort. Those thoughts become depressing, realize what a chore life is. I'm sorry you are feeling this way but don't feel alone; most people have their problems like this and no one is happy. That is the way of humans.
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