PotC Crack - Letters to the Opposition
Title: Letters to the Opposition
Author:
order_of_chaos
Characters: Norrington, Beckett. Only pairing mentioned is Davy Jones/Beckett.
Rating: PG-13 for crack.
Summary: Series of letters between Norrington and Beckett. Insulting nicknames. Death threats. Mentions of wigs, hair dye and love potions. Don't delude yourself that this is supposed to make sense - it isn't. DMC spoiler-warning just in case.
***
Dear Jamie,
Kill Sparrow or the wig gets it.
Best wishes,
Lord Cutler Beckett
PS. Even if you have to sail the Dauntless through a hurricane.
PPS. Mwahahaha!
***
Lord Cutlery,
The Dauntless sunk. I hate you. Sparrow is still alive (more’s the pity) but if Sophie ‘gets’ it, as it were, so, I promise, will you.
No love,
James Norrington, Commodore.
PS. And give me back my sword.
***
My Dear Ex-Commodore,
No, I will not give you back your sword. You would probably kill me with it, or something else just as tediously ironic.
Have decided - don’t bother killing Sparrow. Get me Davy Jones’ heart instead.
Fondest Regards,
Lord Cutler ‘not Cutlery’ Beckett.
***
‘Esteemed’ Lord Cuttlefish,
I don’t even want to know why you want Jones to fall in love with you. He is perverted and has tentacles. No matter - I have acquired the necessary love potions.
Killing you with the sword you stole from me is an excellent idea. I’ll do that next.
Yours cheerfully,
James Norrington, smuggler.
***
James Bloody Norrington,
Literally, not figuratively, you squid-brained imbecile. Do NOT, I repeat NOT, give Davy the potions. Have died your wig orange in retaliation for the thought.
And if it’s whiskey you’re smuggling, I want some.
Salutations,
Lord Beckett.
PS. Die.
***
My Dear Mr Beckett,
Too late about the love potions, sorry. I most ‘sincerely’ apologise. Have sent a bottle of my finest whiskey enclosed with this letter. You might need it.
Any indignities you have inflicted upon my wig will be returned to you tenfold. Tia Dalma was most obliging in helping me find the relevant hair dies.
Sweet dreams,
Lord Norrington.
PS. Die.
PPS. Mwahahaha!
***
My Dear Sir,
Enclosed is a love letter to Davy Jones - would you be so kind as to pass it on to him for me? I would be much obliged.
The whiskey was divine - I don’t think I’ve ever tasted anything quite like it.
Yours gratefully,
Cutler.
PS. Pink hair is good, right? Striking. Do you think Davy would like it?
Author:
order_of_chaos
Characters: Norrington, Beckett. Only pairing mentioned is Davy Jones/Beckett.
Rating: PG-13 for crack.
Summary: Series of letters between Norrington and Beckett. Insulting nicknames. Death threats. Mentions of wigs, hair dye and love potions. Don't delude yourself that this is supposed to make sense - it isn't. DMC spoiler-warning just in case.
***
Dear Jamie,
Kill Sparrow or the wig gets it.
Best wishes,
Lord Cutler Beckett
PS. Even if you have to sail the Dauntless through a hurricane.
PPS. Mwahahaha!
***
Lord Cutlery,
The Dauntless sunk. I hate you. Sparrow is still alive (more’s the pity) but if Sophie ‘gets’ it, as it were, so, I promise, will you.
No love,
James Norrington, Commodore.
PS. And give me back my sword.
***
My Dear Ex-Commodore,
No, I will not give you back your sword. You would probably kill me with it, or something else just as tediously ironic.
Have decided - don’t bother killing Sparrow. Get me Davy Jones’ heart instead.
Fondest Regards,
Lord Cutler ‘not Cutlery’ Beckett.
***
‘Esteemed’ Lord Cuttlefish,
I don’t even want to know why you want Jones to fall in love with you. He is perverted and has tentacles. No matter - I have acquired the necessary love potions.
Killing you with the sword you stole from me is an excellent idea. I’ll do that next.
Yours cheerfully,
James Norrington, smuggler.
***
James Bloody Norrington,
Literally, not figuratively, you squid-brained imbecile. Do NOT, I repeat NOT, give Davy the potions. Have died your wig orange in retaliation for the thought.
And if it’s whiskey you’re smuggling, I want some.
Salutations,
Lord Beckett.
PS. Die.
***
My Dear Mr Beckett,
Too late about the love potions, sorry. I most ‘sincerely’ apologise. Have sent a bottle of my finest whiskey enclosed with this letter. You might need it.
Any indignities you have inflicted upon my wig will be returned to you tenfold. Tia Dalma was most obliging in helping me find the relevant hair dies.
Sweet dreams,
Lord Norrington.
PS. Die.
PPS. Mwahahaha!
***
My Dear Sir,
Enclosed is a love letter to Davy Jones - would you be so kind as to pass it on to him for me? I would be much obliged.
The whiskey was divine - I don’t think I’ve ever tasted anything quite like it.
Yours gratefully,
Cutler.
PS. Pink hair is good, right? Striking. Do you think Davy would like it?