(no subject)
Here are a collection of thoughts, presented in some form of monologue perhaps, from about August last year, combined with my thoughts of now. Last year is the first half, this year is the second half. You dont have to read it, I dont expect you to - only one person I would love to read this, and then it may be awkward for them. So, nevermind, I just wanted to post this. Melodramatic, yes - so if you do choose to read it, Im sure most of you will choose to see it as melodrama. But whatever. Judge it if you like.
It feels like the world is spinning under my feet. All these thoughts are running riot inside my head, “Why’s my heart going so fast” “I cant stop thinking about him” “…does he think about me too?” Its like you’ve just taken a hold of life then it slips up underneath you and you have no idea what’s going on. Its surreal, unknown and awesome all at the same time. Your stomach doesn’t stop flipping and you find yourself so excited you’re lost for breath whenever they’re around. I’ve heard that when you meet your soul mate that time stops, because you know, right then, you’ll be with them for the rest of your life. I knew the minute our eyes met, that I would never leave his side after that night, and never love anyone as much as I do him. He is the other half of my wandering soul, and for a time I was at peace. And although time stoped when I met him, it sped up every second after that until I was unable to stop from being taken home, away. The first kiss was utter perfection, full moonlight and softly drizzling rain…whereas the last was rushed as we were torn apart. But between those times… we experienced so much, in so little time. Laughter, tears, sorrow, joy, love. Soft touches sending shivers down the spine, sleeping together in the comfort of each others arms…and no I don’t mean sex, mother!
I haven’t seen him in near to 18 months now, but I couldn’t love him more intensely as I do now. I’ve realised, through losing him, what it is I desire. I’ve sunk lower and lower into this depression at the possibility of knowing he may not love me anymore…because of what I’ve done to him. I don’t suppose you can love someone who ripped your soul to shreds. I punish myself for it, I’ve run the gauntlet of surrounding men, all the same, none who can compare in my mind. Right now I’m trapped here until I can leave and run back, weak, powerless, crying. Perhaps I sound like a naïve young thing, and I’m sure I am … I’m a 16 year old girl, maybe I should be entitled to it. I call him and laugh and remember, listening to his voice…and for the first time, I can understand every word he says and he cant understand me. Surreal reverse of positions. That doesn’t change the fact that he is still away from me, and we are apart and now my soul is missing that piece that it hungered for, for so long, and then having it wrenched away from it. Ill never forgive myself for my actions that day I chose to put a period on what could have kept flowing until I don’t know when. But so you know, Alistair - I love you still and will love you always - but only to the extent that you allow.
Goodnight
It feels like the world is spinning under my feet. All these thoughts are running riot inside my head, “Why’s my heart going so fast” “I cant stop thinking about him” “…does he think about me too?” Its like you’ve just taken a hold of life then it slips up underneath you and you have no idea what’s going on. Its surreal, unknown and awesome all at the same time. Your stomach doesn’t stop flipping and you find yourself so excited you’re lost for breath whenever they’re around. I’ve heard that when you meet your soul mate that time stops, because you know, right then, you’ll be with them for the rest of your life. I knew the minute our eyes met, that I would never leave his side after that night, and never love anyone as much as I do him. He is the other half of my wandering soul, and for a time I was at peace. And although time stoped when I met him, it sped up every second after that until I was unable to stop from being taken home, away. The first kiss was utter perfection, full moonlight and softly drizzling rain…whereas the last was rushed as we were torn apart. But between those times… we experienced so much, in so little time. Laughter, tears, sorrow, joy, love. Soft touches sending shivers down the spine, sleeping together in the comfort of each others arms…and no I don’t mean sex, mother!
I haven’t seen him in near to 18 months now, but I couldn’t love him more intensely as I do now. I’ve realised, through losing him, what it is I desire. I’ve sunk lower and lower into this depression at the possibility of knowing he may not love me anymore…because of what I’ve done to him. I don’t suppose you can love someone who ripped your soul to shreds. I punish myself for it, I’ve run the gauntlet of surrounding men, all the same, none who can compare in my mind. Right now I’m trapped here until I can leave and run back, weak, powerless, crying. Perhaps I sound like a naïve young thing, and I’m sure I am … I’m a 16 year old girl, maybe I should be entitled to it. I call him and laugh and remember, listening to his voice…and for the first time, I can understand every word he says and he cant understand me. Surreal reverse of positions. That doesn’t change the fact that he is still away from me, and we are apart and now my soul is missing that piece that it hungered for, for so long, and then having it wrenched away from it. Ill never forgive myself for my actions that day I chose to put a period on what could have kept flowing until I don’t know when. But so you know, Alistair - I love you still and will love you always - but only to the extent that you allow.
Goodnight