(no subject)

Oct 01, 2008 08:59

I can prove my love to humans so easily, but why is it that I find it so hard to prove my devotion to academia.  The Cult of the Saints and objects of personal devotion from the byzantine and gothic periods are my favorite subjects in art, professor bolman is my favorite professor, and yet, i am again failing to prove my love to either.  i hate my family--i hate the impetuous nagging of my mother.  i hate that my life should really be so easy (because it is), and yet the people who insist on making the work part easy, make the emotional part so hard.  i'm not allowed to take care of myself, i'm not allowed to think for myself, i'm not allowed to have a fucking job because i'd be harped at for it forever.  i wish i had stayed in brooklyn and put myself into financial ruin just so i couldn't come home again.  i wish i was too ashamed to let my mother see my face, rather than too ashamed to see her face.

i wish i was entombed in the tiny, empty space inside the holy sepulchre.  i could listen quietly to people's prayers and bless them with my hope that they find love, and no one would ever know i was there.


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