Rambling
Y'know... I don't ever post here. And I doubt anyone reads this anymore. But I feel rather like ranting a bit and being ... emo I guess. So yea.
Tonight. I had a fight with my best friend. Who is most probably not my friend at all anymore. I don't know anymore. I know she's not talking to me now, and said she wasn't going to talk to me for a week. And maybe not even then if she didn't feel like it. All because I left, after she'd left me. I left to try to go calm down. And what do I get...? I get yelled at, and punished.
I decided to leave Gaia and leave the internet tonight. Who knows if I actually will. Heh. Probably won't. Cause I say shit like that all the time, but I never do it. I just keep coming back for more pain and heartbreak. Masochist much? Yea. Think so.
It's not that all the time. There's good things here. But ... lately it seems like no matter what I do I'm not good enough. There's always someone that's better at the things I'm good at. Always. I don't excel at anything. I'm not good enough to be hired anywhere. I'm not good enough for my supposed friends to give me the benefit of the doubt and talk to me. The only shop on Gaia I was ever hired in ...? Another friend of mine runs it. Who, incidentally, doesn't ever talk to me anymore either. Except when she needs something. Then she's all smiles and friendliness.
I feel sick. And sad and upset and like I rather wanna go off and die somewhere. But I won't do that either probably. Too much of a chicken. And there are people who'd miss me. My family I guess... my D&D group maybe. I don't even know anymore.
I want to kill things. I want to curl up in a ball and cry. I want to yell and rant and throw things around. I just... want to have friends who won't abandon me when things get tough ...
Is it me? Is it really me that's at fault..? The whole time? Am I the fucked up one? Because everyone leaves me... am I just... incapable of .. keeping friends around..?
This isn't helping. I'm just getting more upset. I don't know what to do anymore.
I just.. don't know
Tonight. I had a fight with my best friend. Who is most probably not my friend at all anymore. I don't know anymore. I know she's not talking to me now, and said she wasn't going to talk to me for a week. And maybe not even then if she didn't feel like it. All because I left, after she'd left me. I left to try to go calm down. And what do I get...? I get yelled at, and punished.
I decided to leave Gaia and leave the internet tonight. Who knows if I actually will. Heh. Probably won't. Cause I say shit like that all the time, but I never do it. I just keep coming back for more pain and heartbreak. Masochist much? Yea. Think so.
It's not that all the time. There's good things here. But ... lately it seems like no matter what I do I'm not good enough. There's always someone that's better at the things I'm good at. Always. I don't excel at anything. I'm not good enough to be hired anywhere. I'm not good enough for my supposed friends to give me the benefit of the doubt and talk to me. The only shop on Gaia I was ever hired in ...? Another friend of mine runs it. Who, incidentally, doesn't ever talk to me anymore either. Except when she needs something. Then she's all smiles and friendliness.
I feel sick. And sad and upset and like I rather wanna go off and die somewhere. But I won't do that either probably. Too much of a chicken. And there are people who'd miss me. My family I guess... my D&D group maybe. I don't even know anymore.
I want to kill things. I want to curl up in a ball and cry. I want to yell and rant and throw things around. I just... want to have friends who won't abandon me when things get tough ...
Is it me? Is it really me that's at fault..? The whole time? Am I the fucked up one? Because everyone leaves me... am I just... incapable of .. keeping friends around..?
This isn't helping. I'm just getting more upset. I don't know what to do anymore.
I just.. don't know