2 weeks
Here's another update for my poorly kept-up journal.
Marching band over!!! Yay! We got a silver trophy at Regionals though...bummer :-(
Musical is alive and kickin, kickin me straight to bed b.c it wears me out!
FINALLY got up my grades (THANK GOD!) It was gettin pretty bad folks...
Weird mood swings:::....let's not go there.
I've been really stressed out lately over basically NOTHING. It's like out of nowhere I just feel stressed out or really really REALLY depressed. I need to refill my happy pills b.c I've been taking less and less and now I'm like running on essentially NO pills which btw, is NOT good. I just remember what it was like for me before I started taking them. I had nightmares ever night about dying. Everyday, I wanted to die. Nearly everday, I attempted to. Nearly everday I attempted to hurt myself in some way, shape or form. This is my past, the past I'd like to get past. But it is a part of me that I can't really seem to get rid of. Just a lil factoid here is I looked one day in my old diary that I kept when I was in elementary school, you know what I found? A number of pages saying I wish I were dead or pictures of me hanging. A 7 year-old should not be thinking about that...
Christine and I have been hanging out a bit recently. Last night was just a majorly crappy night. I was already in a bad mood b.c of my pills running low, I've been put in charge of the drama section to the youth sunday program which I'm totally honored to be put in that position but hate the fact that I'm not really paid the attention needed in order to get things done and over with. Chris told me that he didn't see me as a person to act in the skit but instead as someone behind the scenes. I was rather, um surprised and kinda pissed. I mean I LOVE acting. I was thinking, ok so now what the hell am I gonna do? Sit there and look pretty?! I was trying to make sure I had down ALL the names and possibilities of people who wanted or could act. We assigned parts to all but the mom. I wanted to do it but was definitely willing if there were a younger person from confirmation who hasn't been to church in awhile do it or someone who doesn't usually do acting. Jess said she'd do it but I couldn't really discern if it was a "yea I guess I'll do it b.c there's nobody else" or a "Heck yea I'll do it!" just missing the energy while saying it though. So, I put her down. Frankly anymore, I just don't care. Stick me wherever, ya know? B.c hell, I've already missed the youth retreat b.c of damn band and NOW, oooo NOW I'm gonna miss the fucking Sounds of Praise retreat b.c of fucking musical. It makes me so pissed b.c it's my damn Senior year. My last flippin year to do ANYTHING. And I can't go. And BEST OF FUCKING ALL...I get to hear about what a lovely SPECTACULAR time they all had. "oh, well and then he did this...hahahahaha that was so funny!!!" Die and burn in hell. URGH sorry had to vent that.
Last night at sounds of praise practice it just felt like I couldn't be happy, to ever truly be happy, or even get close to God. Then we had to go sing the song Hungry (I'm falling on my knees). I love that song very much but the timing was not good for me. I started crying. I was able to hide it but it was very difficult to. Then, I decided hey, I want some taco bell (lol yea that was bad, tihee) and then Hey, I want some starbucks, (weird combo I know). Well I was parked at Starbucks and I needed to fix my make-up, don't ask why. So I stuck my keys in the cupholders and fixed my make-up forgot my keys were in the cupholders and thought they were in my purse, locked the door, got my Vinti White Mocha Frap w/Shot of caramel and went, oh fuck. Sure enough, my keys were locked in my car. All of these things added one ontop of the other just really made my night. So I tried calling Chris, she didn't answer, shawn-nope, another friend-nope, alex-90 days aren't up, chris again nope finally she picks up. She came and got me but I was still pretty upset.
Ya know, u never truly realize how many friends u actually have until you get caught up in homework and extra-curricular activities. I'm there for Chris if mark does something stupid which is often, I talk to Shawn about anything so we still have some contact, my foreign exchange friends who are back in their homeland, and then all my friends in my classes, which are a lot. I'm lucky if I get any me time in. I don't remember the last time I was just able to sit down and do the things I want to do. Not because my friends want to, not because I was asked to or favored to, not because I feel obligated or b.c that's just what maureen does, she does that so give it to her. I've been trying to keep up with all of them but evidently, it's not good enough, my best is not good enough, I'M not good enough. Man I'm sucha messed up person.
Here are the lyrics to: "Hungry (I'm Falling on My Knees)" by Kathryn Scott
Hungry I come to you
For I know You satisfy
I am empty but I know
Your love does not run dry
So I wait for You
So I wait for You
Chorus:
I'm falling on my knees
Offering all of me
Jesus You're all
This heart is living for.
Broken I run to You
For Your arms are open wide.
I am weary but I know Your touch
Restores my life.
So I wait for You
So I wait for You
Can you now see why the song hurt?
........................................................................................
Marching band over!!! Yay! We got a silver trophy at Regionals though...bummer :-(
Musical is alive and kickin, kickin me straight to bed b.c it wears me out!
FINALLY got up my grades (THANK GOD!) It was gettin pretty bad folks...
Weird mood swings:::....let's not go there.
I've been really stressed out lately over basically NOTHING. It's like out of nowhere I just feel stressed out or really really REALLY depressed. I need to refill my happy pills b.c I've been taking less and less and now I'm like running on essentially NO pills which btw, is NOT good. I just remember what it was like for me before I started taking them. I had nightmares ever night about dying. Everyday, I wanted to die. Nearly everday, I attempted to. Nearly everday I attempted to hurt myself in some way, shape or form. This is my past, the past I'd like to get past. But it is a part of me that I can't really seem to get rid of. Just a lil factoid here is I looked one day in my old diary that I kept when I was in elementary school, you know what I found? A number of pages saying I wish I were dead or pictures of me hanging. A 7 year-old should not be thinking about that...
Christine and I have been hanging out a bit recently. Last night was just a majorly crappy night. I was already in a bad mood b.c of my pills running low, I've been put in charge of the drama section to the youth sunday program which I'm totally honored to be put in that position but hate the fact that I'm not really paid the attention needed in order to get things done and over with. Chris told me that he didn't see me as a person to act in the skit but instead as someone behind the scenes. I was rather, um surprised and kinda pissed. I mean I LOVE acting. I was thinking, ok so now what the hell am I gonna do? Sit there and look pretty?! I was trying to make sure I had down ALL the names and possibilities of people who wanted or could act. We assigned parts to all but the mom. I wanted to do it but was definitely willing if there were a younger person from confirmation who hasn't been to church in awhile do it or someone who doesn't usually do acting. Jess said she'd do it but I couldn't really discern if it was a "yea I guess I'll do it b.c there's nobody else" or a "Heck yea I'll do it!" just missing the energy while saying it though. So, I put her down. Frankly anymore, I just don't care. Stick me wherever, ya know? B.c hell, I've already missed the youth retreat b.c of damn band and NOW, oooo NOW I'm gonna miss the fucking Sounds of Praise retreat b.c of fucking musical. It makes me so pissed b.c it's my damn Senior year. My last flippin year to do ANYTHING. And I can't go. And BEST OF FUCKING ALL...I get to hear about what a lovely SPECTACULAR time they all had. "oh, well and then he did this...hahahahaha that was so funny!!!" Die and burn in hell. URGH sorry had to vent that.
Last night at sounds of praise practice it just felt like I couldn't be happy, to ever truly be happy, or even get close to God. Then we had to go sing the song Hungry (I'm falling on my knees). I love that song very much but the timing was not good for me. I started crying. I was able to hide it but it was very difficult to. Then, I decided hey, I want some taco bell (lol yea that was bad, tihee) and then Hey, I want some starbucks, (weird combo I know). Well I was parked at Starbucks and I needed to fix my make-up, don't ask why. So I stuck my keys in the cupholders and fixed my make-up forgot my keys were in the cupholders and thought they were in my purse, locked the door, got my Vinti White Mocha Frap w/Shot of caramel and went, oh fuck. Sure enough, my keys were locked in my car. All of these things added one ontop of the other just really made my night. So I tried calling Chris, she didn't answer, shawn-nope, another friend-nope, alex-90 days aren't up, chris again nope finally she picks up. She came and got me but I was still pretty upset.
Ya know, u never truly realize how many friends u actually have until you get caught up in homework and extra-curricular activities. I'm there for Chris if mark does something stupid which is often, I talk to Shawn about anything so we still have some contact, my foreign exchange friends who are back in their homeland, and then all my friends in my classes, which are a lot. I'm lucky if I get any me time in. I don't remember the last time I was just able to sit down and do the things I want to do. Not because my friends want to, not because I was asked to or favored to, not because I feel obligated or b.c that's just what maureen does, she does that so give it to her. I've been trying to keep up with all of them but evidently, it's not good enough, my best is not good enough, I'M not good enough. Man I'm sucha messed up person.
Here are the lyrics to: "Hungry (I'm Falling on My Knees)" by Kathryn Scott
Hungry I come to you
For I know You satisfy
I am empty but I know
Your love does not run dry
So I wait for You
So I wait for You
Chorus:
I'm falling on my knees
Offering all of me
Jesus You're all
This heart is living for.
Broken I run to You
For Your arms are open wide.
I am weary but I know Your touch
Restores my life.
So I wait for You
So I wait for You
Can you now see why the song hurt?
........................................................................................