reminiscing
There definitely were good times before. I know that, and I cherish that... too bad most of them were fake. There were a lot of awkwardness and detachedness there. See, people don't really trust me. I don't really care about people not trusting me because I don't trust people easily either. I hate it that I've let my guard down a couple of times and told secrets to people I don't care about anymore. I feel mind-raped. it's disgusting.
So because people don't trust me much, I get out of the loop. No information about sensitive matters go through my ears, which is kind of cool since I don't have to shoulder that burden. That was a choice though. not trusting is a choice. But somehow with that choice also came the happy, hang-out times, where that was the sole thing that is holding on to a relationship without trust. Take that out of the equation, and nothing binds it. It's gone.
Maybe people know about that, and maybe people are really so stupid that they can't even realize the logic. I don't know. One thing I do know is that I'd rather be the devil and test out what's real than pretend like nothing is happening. I'd much rather also go away than grovel and ask for something that isn't there. Maybe if I didn't realize that someone had a real intention of having a real bond, they might come up and say it, but the thing is, because of fakeness going on all around me, I don't know what's real anymore... except of course when it comes to some other people who tactless or crass as they can be, are genuine and true to themselves and don't pretend to like anyone.
But hey, who am I talking about? My elementary friends? High-school friends? College friends? Work-friends? Honestly I might be talking about everyone... but to those of you still stalking my journal, assume and go fuck yourselves. This is a sacred public place where I voice out my thoughts, and you have no right to accuse me of anything for thinking. ,,|,,
So because people don't trust me much, I get out of the loop. No information about sensitive matters go through my ears, which is kind of cool since I don't have to shoulder that burden. That was a choice though. not trusting is a choice. But somehow with that choice also came the happy, hang-out times, where that was the sole thing that is holding on to a relationship without trust. Take that out of the equation, and nothing binds it. It's gone.
Maybe people know about that, and maybe people are really so stupid that they can't even realize the logic. I don't know. One thing I do know is that I'd rather be the devil and test out what's real than pretend like nothing is happening. I'd much rather also go away than grovel and ask for something that isn't there. Maybe if I didn't realize that someone had a real intention of having a real bond, they might come up and say it, but the thing is, because of fakeness going on all around me, I don't know what's real anymore... except of course when it comes to some other people who tactless or crass as they can be, are genuine and true to themselves and don't pretend to like anyone.
But hey, who am I talking about? My elementary friends? High-school friends? College friends? Work-friends? Honestly I might be talking about everyone... but to those of you still stalking my journal, assume and go fuck yourselves. This is a sacred public place where I voice out my thoughts, and you have no right to accuse me of anything for thinking. ,,|,,