(no subject)
The very best time to update an online journal is precisely when everything is running wild, when deadlines are approaching quickly, and stress levels are at an all time high. Because, I"ve found, that wasting time writing here is really helpful when I need to get work done.
Actually, I'm full of shit.
I have a test at 10am, and it's almost 2. I finally got a grasp on the subject, and I still need to do this stupid assignment that is due tomorrow. WHAT KIND OF ASSHOLE TEACHER DOES THAT!?!?!!?
Oh wait, don't tell me. It's the same kind that starts a new lesson the class before a test, a lesson that won't be on this test, and doesn't do any sort of review. Yep, that's the kind.
Did I mention that I have to be up for all hours of the night tomorrow? Yep, that's me, volunteering to not sleep for far too many hours. And you know what? I don't know the girls who are doing it very well. It seems like everyone else joined with a friend and I know nobody. That, and I'm just turning shy again. Like they'd really tell me I couldn't talk to them if I had the guts to even go over there. What am I, 7? Afraid of other people? Too worried they won't like me that I just don't say anything at all?
I'm in a rut right now. I don't even want to be here right now. I dont want to be in this house, on this street, in this city, inhaling that shit every day crossing the street, passing that smoker next door whose always walking past me and leaving me to smell his nasty stench. ::gag:::
I have to write three papers on I DONT EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT for Tuesday, and I have a test on tuesday and apparently i have to memorize a SHITLOAD of STUPID things. Like anybody really gives a shit about how many degrees the interior angles of regular polygons are? Poly what? Yeah, dumb SHIT. Im positive i won't make it through the marathon, i think i'm making myself crazy now. I was about to cry earlier just thinking about everything. Some people break into hives, my eyes tear up from stress. To be honest, i'd rather have hives. I hate tht I cry so easily! I don't want to, it's annoying. It makes it seem so much worse than it is.
I hate how i can hear EVERYTHING in this house. I never thought my hearing was that incredible, but in this house, I feel like it. Sometimes I want to break the goddam screen door because it SLAMS and I hear it like it was attachd to my wall, I can hear everyone on the porch, its soo loud, I hate those fucking birds outside, they only go away if i slam my window and it's only for a couple minutes. I hate that our neighbors porch is right next to my room and I could hear them the other night. I hate leaving my room in the dark. I hate that I don't want to look at this assignment again because i'm just going to feel lost again. I hate that somehow I fucked myself over and am stuck in this town instead of back home to teach. I hate it all!!! I just want to curl into a ball and go home, or maybe even just die and reincarnate into a dog. A pretty dog with a fantastic life. Fellow dogs and people to play with, dinner scraps, daily massages.. and school wouldn't last more than a few months.
I have to stop getting excited about things before they happen. I can't just take a chance and ruin it. Then it's just like, I don't know, a waste. Like that feeling you get as a little kid in gym class and you see a finger pointing to you for their team, that excitement, and then the immediate feeling you get when they tell you they were pointing at the kid next to you. Just a little jump start to the heart that just fizzled.
Actually, I'm full of shit.
I have a test at 10am, and it's almost 2. I finally got a grasp on the subject, and I still need to do this stupid assignment that is due tomorrow. WHAT KIND OF ASSHOLE TEACHER DOES THAT!?!?!!?
Oh wait, don't tell me. It's the same kind that starts a new lesson the class before a test, a lesson that won't be on this test, and doesn't do any sort of review. Yep, that's the kind.
Did I mention that I have to be up for all hours of the night tomorrow? Yep, that's me, volunteering to not sleep for far too many hours. And you know what? I don't know the girls who are doing it very well. It seems like everyone else joined with a friend and I know nobody. That, and I'm just turning shy again. Like they'd really tell me I couldn't talk to them if I had the guts to even go over there. What am I, 7? Afraid of other people? Too worried they won't like me that I just don't say anything at all?
I'm in a rut right now. I don't even want to be here right now. I dont want to be in this house, on this street, in this city, inhaling that shit every day crossing the street, passing that smoker next door whose always walking past me and leaving me to smell his nasty stench. ::gag:::
I have to write three papers on I DONT EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT for Tuesday, and I have a test on tuesday and apparently i have to memorize a SHITLOAD of STUPID things. Like anybody really gives a shit about how many degrees the interior angles of regular polygons are? Poly what? Yeah, dumb SHIT. Im positive i won't make it through the marathon, i think i'm making myself crazy now. I was about to cry earlier just thinking about everything. Some people break into hives, my eyes tear up from stress. To be honest, i'd rather have hives. I hate tht I cry so easily! I don't want to, it's annoying. It makes it seem so much worse than it is.
I hate how i can hear EVERYTHING in this house. I never thought my hearing was that incredible, but in this house, I feel like it. Sometimes I want to break the goddam screen door because it SLAMS and I hear it like it was attachd to my wall, I can hear everyone on the porch, its soo loud, I hate those fucking birds outside, they only go away if i slam my window and it's only for a couple minutes. I hate that our neighbors porch is right next to my room and I could hear them the other night. I hate leaving my room in the dark. I hate that I don't want to look at this assignment again because i'm just going to feel lost again. I hate that somehow I fucked myself over and am stuck in this town instead of back home to teach. I hate it all!!! I just want to curl into a ball and go home, or maybe even just die and reincarnate into a dog. A pretty dog with a fantastic life. Fellow dogs and people to play with, dinner scraps, daily massages.. and school wouldn't last more than a few months.
I have to stop getting excited about things before they happen. I can't just take a chance and ruin it. Then it's just like, I don't know, a waste. Like that feeling you get as a little kid in gym class and you see a finger pointing to you for their team, that excitement, and then the immediate feeling you get when they tell you they were pointing at the kid next to you. Just a little jump start to the heart that just fizzled.