IAMP Brotherly Advice
Title: Brotherly Advice
Characters: Owen, Ralph, Ilan
Genre: Humour, romance
Rating for this chapter: T
Pairings: OwenxIlan, mentions of RalphxVictoria
Summary: Ralph needs love advice and turns to the only person who can help him; Owen.
IAMP
Brotherly Advice
46
Birthday gift for the wonderful Amikyten! She drew me this gorgeous piece for my birthday, so I figured I would return the favour and write her something, since drawing isn’t my thing. I hope you like this piece!
IAMP
Brotherly Advice
Owen was making coffee and looking forward to a nice, quiet, Saturday, when his front door banged open.
“Dude, you gotta help me! This is an emergency!” Ralph cried out.
“Jesus Christ, Ralph! Have you ever heard of knocking?!”
“Gross man, why the fuck are you buck naked?! Cover up!” Ralph blushed, looking away, while Owen turned the coffee off. He could already feel a headache coming and he knew it wouldn’t be the quiet morning he had hoped for.
“That’s none of your damned business! What are you even doing here?”
“Oh my God, you did the nasties last night!” Owen rolled his eyes. Sometimes, he wondered how old Ralph was.
“Yes, Sherlock, for your information, I had sex with Ilan, last night. He made love to me. And I was planning on spending the morning in bed, with him. Maybe we would even fuck in the shower, but now you’re here.” He paused. “Ménage à trois?” It was fun to see Ralph turn indignant.
“What the fuck is wrong with you!?”
“Oh, Ralph, you’re so easy. Don’t worry, you’re not our type. Now, why are you here?”
“You gotta help me out!” He reiterated, forgetting about his discomfort.
“No.” Ralph squawked.
“C’mon, Owen, please! Help a brother out!”
“You have a million other brothers. Ask them. I have a boyfriend to get back to.” He tried to move past him, but Ralph blocked him.
“That’s just it. You have a boyfriend. You need to help me with this relationship stuff.” His comment was enough to pique his curiosity and make him stop.
“Wait - you like someone?” Ralph gave a minuscule nod. Owen grinned devilishly. “Oh, this ought to be good.” He pulled out two chairs and invited the other man to join him.
“Aren’t you going to dress?” Ralph asked, eyeing him and trying not to be embarrassed.
“We’re all men here, Ralphy-Boy. I’m sure you’ve seen your own dick. And if you haven’t, it’s that thing between your legs. Now, tell me, who are you crushing on?”
“Victoria...” He mumbled, looking away. Owen was silent, before he laughed. “I’m serious!” The other man yelled.
“Alright, alright, shut up! Keep it down, before you wake Ilan up. He’s so adorable, when he sleeps...” Ralph made a gagging sound and Owen threw a pen at him. “Do you want my help, or not?”
“Yes. Sorry.”
“But, I have to ask, why did you come to me?”
“Because you’re the only one in the family who’s dating.” Ralph mumbled. Owen stared at him.
“You do realise that a) I’m gay, b) I have very gay sex, c) I know nothing about vaginas, d) there are two other couples in this family, and that e) one of those said two couples is very much heterosexual and could have helped you out better than I could?”
“Are you out of your freaking mind?!” Ralph shouted indignantly and then quieted down, when Owen gave him a reproachful look. “First of all, I would never ask those two bastards, back east. Oliver would never let me live it down and they have enough of a fucked up relationship. I want this to actually work. My goal is to have a girlfriend. Get laid. Not a language and culture debate. And don’t give me no crap about them being steady now, and beyond that. It’s Oliver. He’ll never let me live it down. And Jean’ll gloat ‘til he becomes independent. So, until the end of time. No thanks.
And Joel and Marie are too intense. Like, are you out of your mind?! They’re always looking at each other and touching. It’s freaky! And they get lost in their own bubble and no. Marie’ll just give me that all knowing look and she’ll treat me like a child. And Joel’ll get hammered, again, and half of what he’ll say won’t make sense. I want advice. Sane advice. Help me, Owen, you’re my last hope, pleeeeease!” Ralph whined and begged. Owen knew he had no choice.
“Alright, I’ll help... What do you know about Vic?” Ralph looked at him, silent.
“Euh... she’s a girl. I like her...” Owen groaned.
“Dude, help me out here. Does she know you exist?”
“Of course she does!” He bristled.
“Okay, do you guys talk outside of work, or work related things?”
“Yeah... I guess...” This was going to be hard.
“And?”
“And?...”
“And. Does she respond? Does she leave the first chance she gets? How does she react?” Ralph stumbled over his words, but managed to paint a somewhat clear picture for Owen.
“Alright, your plan is this. After the next meeting, ask her to join you for lunch, or dinner, just to hang out. Get to know her; what she likes to do outside of meetings. Take it from there.”
“Seriously? That kind of stuff works?” Owen looked at the other man and then something dawned on him.
“Holy crap, you’ve never dated before, have you?” Ralph turned purple with rage and glared at him.
“I have so!”
“Sure you did, buddy, sure you did. Now, do as I told you and let me know how it goes. Okay? Good. Please leave now, I have things to do and a boyfriend to take care of.” He politely escorted Ralph out, ignoring his protests, and then headed back to his bedroom.
--
“Owen?” Ilan mumbled, when he felt the bed shift. Owen pressed a kiss to his shoulder and spooned behind him.
“Go back to sleep, love, it’s only me.” The other man gave a sleepy nod and cuddled closer. Owen was about to take a quick nap, when his cell phone started buzzing incessantly. He sighed and sat up in bed, wondering who it was.
“Ralph?” He asked, when he saw the caller ID.
“Dude. I need another favour. And your help.”
“Again?” He groaned.
“Again.”
“Now what?” He sighed again and passed a hand through Ilan’s red locks.
“Kay, so, I did what you said, and, I think I have a date. What do I do? Where do I go? WHAT DO I WEAR?!”
“Ralph - Ralph, calm down. Breathe, Jesus. Will you shut up and listen?!” He waited and then calmly explained what he was going to do.
Within the next month, he received a picture, on his phone, of Ralph and Victoria, lying together, in the back of Ralph’s pick-up, seemingly camping in the great outdoors, on a date. There was a caption at the bottom of the picture, which read “score!”, from Ralph. Owen only hoped it meant he would have peace and quiet, now.
OWARI
I do accept anonymous reviews.
Started writing: September 5th 2014, 10:40am
Finished writing: September 5th 2014, 11:21pm
Started typing: September 7th 2014, 12:57am
Finished typing: September 7th 2014, 12:00pm
Characters: Owen, Ralph, Ilan
Genre: Humour, romance
Rating for this chapter: T
Pairings: OwenxIlan, mentions of RalphxVictoria
Summary: Ralph needs love advice and turns to the only person who can help him; Owen.
IAMP
Brotherly Advice
46
Birthday gift for the wonderful Amikyten! She drew me this gorgeous piece for my birthday, so I figured I would return the favour and write her something, since drawing isn’t my thing. I hope you like this piece!
IAMP
Brotherly Advice
Owen was making coffee and looking forward to a nice, quiet, Saturday, when his front door banged open.
“Dude, you gotta help me! This is an emergency!” Ralph cried out.
“Jesus Christ, Ralph! Have you ever heard of knocking?!”
“Gross man, why the fuck are you buck naked?! Cover up!” Ralph blushed, looking away, while Owen turned the coffee off. He could already feel a headache coming and he knew it wouldn’t be the quiet morning he had hoped for.
“That’s none of your damned business! What are you even doing here?”
“Oh my God, you did the nasties last night!” Owen rolled his eyes. Sometimes, he wondered how old Ralph was.
“Yes, Sherlock, for your information, I had sex with Ilan, last night. He made love to me. And I was planning on spending the morning in bed, with him. Maybe we would even fuck in the shower, but now you’re here.” He paused. “Ménage à trois?” It was fun to see Ralph turn indignant.
“What the fuck is wrong with you!?”
“Oh, Ralph, you’re so easy. Don’t worry, you’re not our type. Now, why are you here?”
“You gotta help me out!” He reiterated, forgetting about his discomfort.
“No.” Ralph squawked.
“C’mon, Owen, please! Help a brother out!”
“You have a million other brothers. Ask them. I have a boyfriend to get back to.” He tried to move past him, but Ralph blocked him.
“That’s just it. You have a boyfriend. You need to help me with this relationship stuff.” His comment was enough to pique his curiosity and make him stop.
“Wait - you like someone?” Ralph gave a minuscule nod. Owen grinned devilishly. “Oh, this ought to be good.” He pulled out two chairs and invited the other man to join him.
“Aren’t you going to dress?” Ralph asked, eyeing him and trying not to be embarrassed.
“We’re all men here, Ralphy-Boy. I’m sure you’ve seen your own dick. And if you haven’t, it’s that thing between your legs. Now, tell me, who are you crushing on?”
“Victoria...” He mumbled, looking away. Owen was silent, before he laughed. “I’m serious!” The other man yelled.
“Alright, alright, shut up! Keep it down, before you wake Ilan up. He’s so adorable, when he sleeps...” Ralph made a gagging sound and Owen threw a pen at him. “Do you want my help, or not?”
“Yes. Sorry.”
“But, I have to ask, why did you come to me?”
“Because you’re the only one in the family who’s dating.” Ralph mumbled. Owen stared at him.
“You do realise that a) I’m gay, b) I have very gay sex, c) I know nothing about vaginas, d) there are two other couples in this family, and that e) one of those said two couples is very much heterosexual and could have helped you out better than I could?”
“Are you out of your freaking mind?!” Ralph shouted indignantly and then quieted down, when Owen gave him a reproachful look. “First of all, I would never ask those two bastards, back east. Oliver would never let me live it down and they have enough of a fucked up relationship. I want this to actually work. My goal is to have a girlfriend. Get laid. Not a language and culture debate. And don’t give me no crap about them being steady now, and beyond that. It’s Oliver. He’ll never let me live it down. And Jean’ll gloat ‘til he becomes independent. So, until the end of time. No thanks.
And Joel and Marie are too intense. Like, are you out of your mind?! They’re always looking at each other and touching. It’s freaky! And they get lost in their own bubble and no. Marie’ll just give me that all knowing look and she’ll treat me like a child. And Joel’ll get hammered, again, and half of what he’ll say won’t make sense. I want advice. Sane advice. Help me, Owen, you’re my last hope, pleeeeease!” Ralph whined and begged. Owen knew he had no choice.
“Alright, I’ll help... What do you know about Vic?” Ralph looked at him, silent.
“Euh... she’s a girl. I like her...” Owen groaned.
“Dude, help me out here. Does she know you exist?”
“Of course she does!” He bristled.
“Okay, do you guys talk outside of work, or work related things?”
“Yeah... I guess...” This was going to be hard.
“And?”
“And?...”
“And. Does she respond? Does she leave the first chance she gets? How does she react?” Ralph stumbled over his words, but managed to paint a somewhat clear picture for Owen.
“Alright, your plan is this. After the next meeting, ask her to join you for lunch, or dinner, just to hang out. Get to know her; what she likes to do outside of meetings. Take it from there.”
“Seriously? That kind of stuff works?” Owen looked at the other man and then something dawned on him.
“Holy crap, you’ve never dated before, have you?” Ralph turned purple with rage and glared at him.
“I have so!”
“Sure you did, buddy, sure you did. Now, do as I told you and let me know how it goes. Okay? Good. Please leave now, I have things to do and a boyfriend to take care of.” He politely escorted Ralph out, ignoring his protests, and then headed back to his bedroom.
--
“Owen?” Ilan mumbled, when he felt the bed shift. Owen pressed a kiss to his shoulder and spooned behind him.
“Go back to sleep, love, it’s only me.” The other man gave a sleepy nod and cuddled closer. Owen was about to take a quick nap, when his cell phone started buzzing incessantly. He sighed and sat up in bed, wondering who it was.
“Ralph?” He asked, when he saw the caller ID.
“Dude. I need another favour. And your help.”
“Again?” He groaned.
“Again.”
“Now what?” He sighed again and passed a hand through Ilan’s red locks.
“Kay, so, I did what you said, and, I think I have a date. What do I do? Where do I go? WHAT DO I WEAR?!”
“Ralph - Ralph, calm down. Breathe, Jesus. Will you shut up and listen?!” He waited and then calmly explained what he was going to do.
Within the next month, he received a picture, on his phone, of Ralph and Victoria, lying together, in the back of Ralph’s pick-up, seemingly camping in the great outdoors, on a date. There was a caption at the bottom of the picture, which read “score!”, from Ralph. Owen only hoped it meant he would have peace and quiet, now.
OWARI
I do accept anonymous reviews.
Started writing: September 5th 2014, 10:40am
Finished writing: September 5th 2014, 11:21pm
Started typing: September 7th 2014, 12:57am
Finished typing: September 7th 2014, 12:00pm