Smosh Fic: It's Okay

[orangefriday]

Title: It's Okay
Rating: PG-13
Pairings: Ian/Anthony
Genre/Warnings: Angst, Alcohol-Use, One-Shot
Summary: Anthony can't let himself go... not anymore.
Author's Notes: This story had a mind of its own. It wasn't supposed to be angst... I had it all planned out - wrote the ending to a potentially non-angst fic and then bam! Angst took over. Thank you so

Comments

[michaelangelo24]

Let's see how much constructive criticism I can give.

First off, did you intentionally not mention a name for the first few paragraphs? I know that sometimes writers like to keep it a mystery for awhile, but usually it is best to mention the name right at the start.

"Anthony!" a voice calls when Anthony stumbles off of the toilet when he hears Ian,...
I would reword this sentence as follows:
"Anthony!" a voice calls. Anthony stumbles off the toilet when he hears Ian,...
The way you had it worded, it sounded like Anthony hears Ian's voice, stumbles, and then a voice calls out. Plus you can usually remove the "of" from "off of". That's one of the few useful things I learned from my literature class. :P

“Ian, you-you’re fucking wasted,” Anthony points out, teetering sideways and he has to reach a hand out when he starts to fall.
This sentence sounds like Anthony is the one teetering sideways and also the one who starts to fall. You'll want to add Ian's name somewhere in there to clarify.

Other than that, I don't have much to say. I suppose I should mention positive stuff, although it always ends up being such broad and obvious things. You definitely had the angsty tone down pat. Even when they were close to getting back together, I could tell just by the tone that it wasn't going to happen. Also, thank god they didn't kiss for once. The thought of kissing someone who just vomited would make me hurl. You also snuck in backstory well enough. I had a clear sense that something had happened before without having to give a flashback.

Now go write some smut for once! Even better, include rape. xD

[orangefriday]

I did have Anthony's name in the first paragraph at first and then I thought I would keep going with the mysterious tone of the opening (and Sanjay told me too. >:) hawhaw)

I completely agree with your suggestion about the name calling.

And derp, when I wrote the teetering part, I actually had Ian and Anthony reversed. Off to fix that!

HAH! I was afraid people might be disappointed that there was no kiss but it looks like everybody is in favour of not kissing a vomit-mouth. :)

Thanks for the awesome critique!!! I need more of this. It's like a drug!!!

[michaelangelo24]

Well not mentioning a name did work at creating a mysterious tone.

Lol, vomit is too gross to kiss someone after throwing up. D:

Don't go sending me stories all the time. I can only edit so many. :P