Creative Writing Assigment #1

[orangefriday]

I thought I'd post my creative writing assignment here for critique, hoping somebody will read this. It's a 200-400 word assignment, writing a short scene that could serve on its own or be a part of a bigger story and written for children and young adults.

Well, I have some problems with the 'plot' or lack there of. I also feel like the ending is

Comments

[ihanoverian]

HOLY CRAP. My mind was blown. I thought they were two boys talking to each other, and my jaw literally dropped when he mentioned that he was a tree. I had to read it over, and everything started making sense!

Want critique? I'l give you critique. Don't take anything personally, this is just stuff I would have done :)

1. "When the clouds move in and the first chill breezes by, he’ll rattle his bones and try for dear life to keep himself together."
Maybe change that to:
When the clouds move in and the first chills breeze by, he’ll rattle his bones and try for dear life to keep himself together.
[I think that by making "chills" plural, it flows better with the facts that the clouds are also plural. I think of having a chill as a plural thing anyways, especially if they move quickly over him.]

2. "It’s spring when he’s allowed to play with the kids and the first time he meets him."
Maybe change that to:
It was spring, and he was allowed to play with the kids. Spring was the first time he met him.
[This just sounds better, I think. Your sentence was set in the present tense, when the rest of the paragraph was set in the past tense. Plus you were connecting playing with kids and meeting him in one line, and that was a little bit awkward, in my opinion. By putting the "meeting him" in a separate sentence, it gives more emphasis that he's more important.]

3. “Why are you so rough?” he asked, the boy’s fingers slithering up and down his skin. “It hurt a lot, y’know!”
Change slithering to "scratching, or rubbing", perhaps?
['Slithering' gives me the impression that the tree bark is really smooth, and easy to glide over, which contradicts the fact that the tree is rough.]

4. “Yuck, you’re shreddin’! Gross!”
Is this a typo? Do you mean "shedding?" LOL

5. "he cried, wordlessly and the wind bent his arm until it hit the boy’s shoulder playfully."
Perhaps change the word "hit" to something else, like "pushed".
["Hit" makes the tree seem violent, even though he's being playful. If a tree hit me playfully, I'd shit myself, even if he was a good natured tree. "Pushed" or "nudged" makes the tree seem more gentle and friendly.]

6. "kicking at red and yellow on the ground."
Perhaps change it to "THE red and yellow on the ground"?
[By using "the" it makes the leaves seem like objects, not colours.]

7. “Coming, Ma!” The boy turned to him and saluted. “See ya tomorrow, Tree!”
Change the structure to:
“Coming, Ma!” He cried.
The boy turned back to him and saluted, “see ya tomorrow, Tree!”
[I just think that by separating his words to the voice and his words the tree into 2 different sections, it makes the tree seem more important in the end.]

I feel so bitchy for this. And you don't have to change anything, of course! This is just what I would do differently. It's not even a critique. I suck. Seriously.
I'm sorry! :(

[orangefriday]

Yay! Don't feel bitchy! It helps a lot to hear what others think :) I have to get used to criticism! I agree with everything you've said to change.

Oh, the shreddin' wasn't a typo. XD It's the way the boy talks!

Thank you soooooooooooo much!!

[turtle_realms]

Yay all great sub-edits by ihanoverian ... beautiful little story and the ending sucker punched me. I enjoyed that! And your icon totally threw me off, I did think it was two little boys talking to each other.

"Why are you so rough?" :D

[orangefriday]

Haha, did you think it was a story of Harry And Ron? XD

And thank you for the kind comments!