Fluidity
Everything is constantly changing. Sometimes it can be overwhelming, and it seems like it's almost impossible to catch up with what's going on and how it's going to be different in the next instant, while other times it feels like stagnation could drive me to insanity.
One thing is certain, and that is that I am fluid. Just like water, which is the element tied to my zodiac sign, Scorpio. Whether it be in the realm of priorities, love, sexuality, taste, entertainment, what have you, I'm almost never quite the same from one moment to the next. It can be very overwhelming sometimes.
I think as I get older, I adapt to that fluidity, and eventually it won't really phase me at all, at least not in a negative way. I certainly hope so. I can go from the happiest I've ever been in one moment to on the verge of despair in the next, and at the drop of a very swift-moving hat. Certain people and certain places make me feel certain ways; there are many individuals that just being in close proximity to, grant me happiness, security, and an optimism that almost nothing can quell. There are places, both in the world and in my mind, that do the same, and there are places in both that can hang me by my toes over a bottomless pit of despair, waiting to let me fall at an instant's notice. Overall, I find myself experiencing the optimism, happiness, love, and security that my friends and family grant me more often than I experience the edges of despair; but when I'm awake late at night, with nothing to do but think, my mind often wanders to dark places within myself that could break the happiest of spirits.
I find myself on the precipice of a great change in my life. I'm finally, seriously, and without hesitation, doing something about what I feel is a weight problem, and though it might have just been the nice thing to do, my mother gave me a compliment that bolstered my resolve the other day. I have often felt that my largest, most serious barrier to happiness is the lack of respect, love, and feeling of worth for myself and anything that I do, and I believe that much of that is rooted in the psychological interpretation of my own appearance. If that changes, perhaps it will open up a new era of possibility for me, unhindered by a negative self-esteem so great that it prevents me from feeling confident in anything I do, including my thoughts and feelings.
Other changes that may be occurring include my remaining in New Hampshire for another winter, something that I was extremely determined not to do. Part of me dreads this event, because I feel as though it may be a compromise that will lead to other compromises and trap me in a cycle of mediocrity that will doom this lifetime to failure and regret. However, the more optimistic (and more dominant) school of thought in my mind feels that it will give me an opportunity to grow up a little more, which is needed, and will then allow me to leave without having to look back. I may, though, look back. But I won't have to, I won't be compelled to by a subconscious yearning to know what might have been. And that's a good thing.
I'll be taking classes at the tech in Concord again this fall, though as of right now I don't know what those classes will be. I think I'll be taking a few computer courses, just because they'll be helpful, and probably a math, maybe a science, who knows. I've been leaning toward physics as a mainstay of an eventual college degree, but it's still shrouded in mystery and uncertainty. Everyone I've told about my dilemma has said that it's perfectly natural and that it's better to take time to figure it out than to spend exorbitant amounts of money in the pursuit of something that could ultimately bring nothing but regret. And finally, I believe them. I don't feel the sense of being left behind that I did a year ago, even six months ago. I'm a little nervous about the future, but it's no longer cold-sweat and nightmares terror...it's just nervousness. I'm not sure where I want to go or what I want to do when I get there, but I know that the traditional path, the suit-cubicle-rinse-and-repeat pattern, is not for me, and finally I feel that that's an okay truth.
I'm a little more ready to take on life's challenges now. I'm a little stronger, a little tougher, a little more confident, and a little more secure than I ever was. I'm not certain about everything, or even most things...but I'm closer to knowing, for certain, who I am. And that is what life is all about.
So the earth keeps spinning, day keeps following night, and night keeps following day. The cycle never ceases. Beauty is created when the pattern becomes irregular, if even for a moment. Imperfection, as humanity has so mistakenly labeled it, is the true face of perfect. If there is one thing I am absolutely sure of, beyond the shadow of a doubt, it is that I love you all unconditionally and without hesitation. I will always cherish all of your friendships, and I will always be there to help in any way I can, as you have been for me.
Everything happens for a reason, even if that reason is not immediately apparent, which it rarely is. So many things in my life have proven that; everything I have experienced and born witness to has changed and shaped me into the person I am today. If anything had happened differently, I would not be the same person. Despite all the hardships, all the tears, all the pain...I'm still here, and I'm stronger than ever. Even the things I thought I wouldn't make it through, even the people I thought I would be cut off from; I feel closer and more connected that ever, and I feel like I could withstand more than I ever have. I sure hope I'm not wrong!
My deepest and strongest love goes out to all of you, and I hope that life is treating you well. If not, let me know, and I'll have a word with good ol' life and see if we can't turn that around.
If you need anything, don't hesitate to call.
If you want anything, don't hesitate to call.
If you need a shoulder to cry on, or someone to wipe away your tears, don't hesitate to call.
If you need someone to defend you, to speak for you, to lend you their strength, don't hesitate to call.
Call upon me, whatever the reason, and I swear I will be with you until the end.
Love is the strongest force in the universe, and I've got it by the shit load.
One thing is certain, and that is that I am fluid. Just like water, which is the element tied to my zodiac sign, Scorpio. Whether it be in the realm of priorities, love, sexuality, taste, entertainment, what have you, I'm almost never quite the same from one moment to the next. It can be very overwhelming sometimes.
I think as I get older, I adapt to that fluidity, and eventually it won't really phase me at all, at least not in a negative way. I certainly hope so. I can go from the happiest I've ever been in one moment to on the verge of despair in the next, and at the drop of a very swift-moving hat. Certain people and certain places make me feel certain ways; there are many individuals that just being in close proximity to, grant me happiness, security, and an optimism that almost nothing can quell. There are places, both in the world and in my mind, that do the same, and there are places in both that can hang me by my toes over a bottomless pit of despair, waiting to let me fall at an instant's notice. Overall, I find myself experiencing the optimism, happiness, love, and security that my friends and family grant me more often than I experience the edges of despair; but when I'm awake late at night, with nothing to do but think, my mind often wanders to dark places within myself that could break the happiest of spirits.
I find myself on the precipice of a great change in my life. I'm finally, seriously, and without hesitation, doing something about what I feel is a weight problem, and though it might have just been the nice thing to do, my mother gave me a compliment that bolstered my resolve the other day. I have often felt that my largest, most serious barrier to happiness is the lack of respect, love, and feeling of worth for myself and anything that I do, and I believe that much of that is rooted in the psychological interpretation of my own appearance. If that changes, perhaps it will open up a new era of possibility for me, unhindered by a negative self-esteem so great that it prevents me from feeling confident in anything I do, including my thoughts and feelings.
Other changes that may be occurring include my remaining in New Hampshire for another winter, something that I was extremely determined not to do. Part of me dreads this event, because I feel as though it may be a compromise that will lead to other compromises and trap me in a cycle of mediocrity that will doom this lifetime to failure and regret. However, the more optimistic (and more dominant) school of thought in my mind feels that it will give me an opportunity to grow up a little more, which is needed, and will then allow me to leave without having to look back. I may, though, look back. But I won't have to, I won't be compelled to by a subconscious yearning to know what might have been. And that's a good thing.
I'll be taking classes at the tech in Concord again this fall, though as of right now I don't know what those classes will be. I think I'll be taking a few computer courses, just because they'll be helpful, and probably a math, maybe a science, who knows. I've been leaning toward physics as a mainstay of an eventual college degree, but it's still shrouded in mystery and uncertainty. Everyone I've told about my dilemma has said that it's perfectly natural and that it's better to take time to figure it out than to spend exorbitant amounts of money in the pursuit of something that could ultimately bring nothing but regret. And finally, I believe them. I don't feel the sense of being left behind that I did a year ago, even six months ago. I'm a little nervous about the future, but it's no longer cold-sweat and nightmares terror...it's just nervousness. I'm not sure where I want to go or what I want to do when I get there, but I know that the traditional path, the suit-cubicle-rinse-and-repeat pattern, is not for me, and finally I feel that that's an okay truth.
I'm a little more ready to take on life's challenges now. I'm a little stronger, a little tougher, a little more confident, and a little more secure than I ever was. I'm not certain about everything, or even most things...but I'm closer to knowing, for certain, who I am. And that is what life is all about.
So the earth keeps spinning, day keeps following night, and night keeps following day. The cycle never ceases. Beauty is created when the pattern becomes irregular, if even for a moment. Imperfection, as humanity has so mistakenly labeled it, is the true face of perfect. If there is one thing I am absolutely sure of, beyond the shadow of a doubt, it is that I love you all unconditionally and without hesitation. I will always cherish all of your friendships, and I will always be there to help in any way I can, as you have been for me.
Everything happens for a reason, even if that reason is not immediately apparent, which it rarely is. So many things in my life have proven that; everything I have experienced and born witness to has changed and shaped me into the person I am today. If anything had happened differently, I would not be the same person. Despite all the hardships, all the tears, all the pain...I'm still here, and I'm stronger than ever. Even the things I thought I wouldn't make it through, even the people I thought I would be cut off from; I feel closer and more connected that ever, and I feel like I could withstand more than I ever have. I sure hope I'm not wrong!
My deepest and strongest love goes out to all of you, and I hope that life is treating you well. If not, let me know, and I'll have a word with good ol' life and see if we can't turn that around.
If you need anything, don't hesitate to call.
If you want anything, don't hesitate to call.
If you need a shoulder to cry on, or someone to wipe away your tears, don't hesitate to call.
If you need someone to defend you, to speak for you, to lend you their strength, don't hesitate to call.
Call upon me, whatever the reason, and I swear I will be with you until the end.
Love is the strongest force in the universe, and I've got it by the shit load.