Duality
I find it incredibly intriguing how easy it is for me to slide from one end of the scale to the other, from darkness to light. There was a long time where I knew only darkness, and then there was a shorter time when I wanted nothing to do with it ever again, and now I've come to realize that it's always going to be a part of who I am and the trick is finding balance between the two opposites; selfless love of others and selfish destruction of everything but myself.
It's quite a contrast. Having cleared some rather serious darkness last night, I found I once again saw in it the things that I truly despise about it; the lack of care for anything others are feeling, the selfishness, the inwardness. The cold malice. But there are other parts of it that are not so repulsive; the lack of feeling, at least when things get hard and suck so much it takes all the physical effort I have to get out of bed. That particular feeling isn't one I've had in a while, but it does seem to be in the future, as with all this uncertainty I'm truly not sure what kind of a path I'm going to continue on in this life. Uncertainty is not my favorite sensation.
But anyway. I found myself thinking a few things last night on the way home...things I could influence, things I could use energy to manipulate, that would be entirely selfish to do so. I was seriously considering doing those things...because that shade of darkness was fairly abundant within me at the time. Waking up today, I wonder how I could have possibly thought to do such a thing. However, giving it some deeper thought, I can see how some of it isn't entirely selfish...and how it could benefit some others involved. I am of course being ridiculously vague right now, because these are things that I am not comfortable telling anyone just yet...they are so...close to my heart, good or bad. But regardless, I'm at a middle ground. And I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet.
I probably won't do anything; I'm pretty passive, especially when it comes to my own happiness. But maybe I'll step up and take a little charge. I don't know. If I do...and if what is meant to happen happens, I'm not sure how I'll feel about myself from that point on. It could be that it just makes everything worse for everyone.
We'll see.
Right now, I have no intention of meddling.
It's quite a contrast. Having cleared some rather serious darkness last night, I found I once again saw in it the things that I truly despise about it; the lack of care for anything others are feeling, the selfishness, the inwardness. The cold malice. But there are other parts of it that are not so repulsive; the lack of feeling, at least when things get hard and suck so much it takes all the physical effort I have to get out of bed. That particular feeling isn't one I've had in a while, but it does seem to be in the future, as with all this uncertainty I'm truly not sure what kind of a path I'm going to continue on in this life. Uncertainty is not my favorite sensation.
But anyway. I found myself thinking a few things last night on the way home...things I could influence, things I could use energy to manipulate, that would be entirely selfish to do so. I was seriously considering doing those things...because that shade of darkness was fairly abundant within me at the time. Waking up today, I wonder how I could have possibly thought to do such a thing. However, giving it some deeper thought, I can see how some of it isn't entirely selfish...and how it could benefit some others involved. I am of course being ridiculously vague right now, because these are things that I am not comfortable telling anyone just yet...they are so...close to my heart, good or bad. But regardless, I'm at a middle ground. And I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet.
I probably won't do anything; I'm pretty passive, especially when it comes to my own happiness. But maybe I'll step up and take a little charge. I don't know. If I do...and if what is meant to happen happens, I'm not sure how I'll feel about myself from that point on. It could be that it just makes everything worse for everyone.
We'll see.
Right now, I have no intention of meddling.