The Search Continues.
It's been a few days since my last entry, as as always it seems, a lot has happened.
For starters, on Tuesday, I ended up staying home from Nursing lecture to talk to my mom about energy. It was very...new. I'd mentioned what my friends and I do to both her and my father on multiple occasions in the past, but haven't said much in the recent past about any of it to either of them; life's gotten in the way. She had wanted to spend a little time with me before I left for class, so I made us both some breakfast and we sat down and ate together, after which time she asked me if I would "pray or meditate or something" with her. So we walked into the living room and she sat down and I just kind of stood there for a moment while we talked about some things. She had asked me about energy earlier, but she brought it up again so I explained to her the different chakral energies and focuses, moods and emotions associated with colors, and we got to talking about indigo, those who have it in their souls, aspects of its hue, etc.
I talked about meditation, about things that can be done with energy, healing, clearing, etc. I talked about things I had done at the party this past weekend. She asked me if I could clear her. So I tried. It was early though, and I was very out of touch. I didn't feel like I made any difference...I couldn't build any energy at all, and though I could sense hers, it wasn't really very defined...that was the morning I started getting symptoms of my third eye and throat chakras being overloaded, so that was probably affecting my ability to do anything.
Just for everyone's information, this entry is probably going to be very long, and it's going to probably take me a few hours to write, so the posting time is wrong.
So...onto another subject. How about that sickness!
So yeah. The last couple of days I haven't been able to get to sleep, and when I do get to sleep, I wake up miserably with a sore throat and headache, and lots of sinus congestion. All the space between my blue and purple centers is fucked up, because of the overload to those two chakras. At the purple center, my third eye, I can't see very far ahead in my own life; the future is a lot cloudier than usual, and the uncertainty is creating a lot of stress. As for the blue, I'm having trouble controlling my communication because of the problem there, but the problem itself is just too much emotion. Too much solitude, too much isolation, the cold makes everything harder, it makes happiness further away and more difficult to find. Not fun.
I'm coming out of it, I got a good 13 hours of sleep last night and that really helped. But I keep thinking I'll end up stuck and at a dead end in life so the stress really isn't gone...and it's so much and I haven't had it in so long, it's nearly crippling.
*****************
The night before last, so...the period of darkness between Wednesday and Thursday, I didn't sleep at all. I stayed up late with a dear friend, which always helps my mood and the rest of me, but then I got home and was pretty miserable...didn't have my assignment until the next morning, then couldn't do it because of lab ebfore clinical. Then I got to the hospital...second to last time I'll be there as a nurse. It was funny...I really wasn't looking forward to it, and I figured I'd be miserable...
But then I got to talking to the folks in my little group...told them for sure I wasn't going to come back...and they didn't react how I thought they would. Most people I've told were kind of like..."Well there must be something wrong with you, cause the program's great!" However, these folks, some of whom I respect and some of whom I can barely stand, all said pretty much the same thing. "Yeah, I know what it's like not to fit something...and you know, it takes a really strong person to be able to decide that and do something about it." Even super-christian bitch, who can be a real bitch sometimes with her criticisms, was the first to say that she was impressed that I could say that and do something about it, and that hoped I found my right path. My instructor said the same thing...in fact, just about everyone did. "Well it's a good thing you've realized it now, and better that you're doing something about it." It was really touching, and I almost cried. But I was already sick, and I felt like if I started crying I wouldn't be able to stop for the rest of the week. It was very touching. I am going to miss certain people from that program.
*****************
It seems to me that I had a lot more to say...and I now I feel like I'm missing something.
Some things were said a while ago that made me really miserable. They shouldn't have. They should have made me happy, but they made me so miserable I could barely walk afterward. I have hopes, hopes for the future, that are there and will never disappear, probably, because they are foolish and selfish and I cannot move beyond them. They have been dashed time and time again...but that's the thing about hope...it's still there, no matter how hard you put it down. It was that hope a few years ago that sent me into the darkest darkness I hope to ever experience in my life. This time, like before, they threaten to destroy me, but this time I will not turn to the black to save myself. The black hurts too many others...and I have enough on my conscience, thanks to a certain memory that haunts me every night without fail. I am faced with a paradox, however, because I promised someone that I would NEVER give up, never stop fighting. That person made me promise that even if it meant others would suffer, I could not give up. I would have never made such a promise...but love is a terribly powerful thing. The most powerful thing, in fact. The one force that cannot be overcome, or undone.
*****************
I can't shake the feeling of being left behind either, the feeling of being so far behind everyone else that I'll never catch up. I shouldn't feel the need to catch up, but I can't not, because I'm not powerful and singular; I'm not strong alone.
*****************
I was talking to my dearest friend recently, and they told me that it's nice to know that I can exist as my own person without being in a relationship. I wasn't sure what they meant, but they explained that having never been in a relationship and still being like...alive, I guess, shows that I can do it alone. Whereas they said they've been in several and they're fairly certain they could do well on their own, but they didn't sound so sure. Somehow, I think I've been putting off the wrong signals. It's MISERABLE to be alone. It's not even a little bit tolerable. The only reason I've kept going is because there's no alternative for me. But it's not, for me, something I do well. I hate it, every moment of it, being alone. And I'm not particularly proud of living that way either...I believe companionship is a part of life, a necessary part, and that everyone should have at least one companion on the long journey that is this particular lifetime.
And I find myself conflicted, because I have my deeply cared for friends, and then friends that I am in love with, like...desire romantic advances, but not for the sex, just for the intimacy...for the "I love you" that I could say and not get a funny look back for. And then there are friends...or one, at least, where there's some sexuality involved...and I kind of wish there could be more of the in love with and the deep friend love too. So I'm conflicted. And in the midst of it all, I don't have anyone that I can turn to for all three.
BLEH. Being alone SUCKS. And anyone who thinks otherwise has not experienced it enough.
I've been alone my whole life. And I don't see many benefits to it, except that I cry a lot, and I'm moody about it, and I feel like I could ruin friendships by letting feelings shine out without filters.
*****************
Anywho...
I hope you're all doing well, like I said, I have deep love for you all, deeper and truer than you can imagine. I'm gonna play some serious videogames tonight.
For starters, on Tuesday, I ended up staying home from Nursing lecture to talk to my mom about energy. It was very...new. I'd mentioned what my friends and I do to both her and my father on multiple occasions in the past, but haven't said much in the recent past about any of it to either of them; life's gotten in the way. She had wanted to spend a little time with me before I left for class, so I made us both some breakfast and we sat down and ate together, after which time she asked me if I would "pray or meditate or something" with her. So we walked into the living room and she sat down and I just kind of stood there for a moment while we talked about some things. She had asked me about energy earlier, but she brought it up again so I explained to her the different chakral energies and focuses, moods and emotions associated with colors, and we got to talking about indigo, those who have it in their souls, aspects of its hue, etc.
I talked about meditation, about things that can be done with energy, healing, clearing, etc. I talked about things I had done at the party this past weekend. She asked me if I could clear her. So I tried. It was early though, and I was very out of touch. I didn't feel like I made any difference...I couldn't build any energy at all, and though I could sense hers, it wasn't really very defined...that was the morning I started getting symptoms of my third eye and throat chakras being overloaded, so that was probably affecting my ability to do anything.
Just for everyone's information, this entry is probably going to be very long, and it's going to probably take me a few hours to write, so the posting time is wrong.
So...onto another subject. How about that sickness!
So yeah. The last couple of days I haven't been able to get to sleep, and when I do get to sleep, I wake up miserably with a sore throat and headache, and lots of sinus congestion. All the space between my blue and purple centers is fucked up, because of the overload to those two chakras. At the purple center, my third eye, I can't see very far ahead in my own life; the future is a lot cloudier than usual, and the uncertainty is creating a lot of stress. As for the blue, I'm having trouble controlling my communication because of the problem there, but the problem itself is just too much emotion. Too much solitude, too much isolation, the cold makes everything harder, it makes happiness further away and more difficult to find. Not fun.
I'm coming out of it, I got a good 13 hours of sleep last night and that really helped. But I keep thinking I'll end up stuck and at a dead end in life so the stress really isn't gone...and it's so much and I haven't had it in so long, it's nearly crippling.
*****************
The night before last, so...the period of darkness between Wednesday and Thursday, I didn't sleep at all. I stayed up late with a dear friend, which always helps my mood and the rest of me, but then I got home and was pretty miserable...didn't have my assignment until the next morning, then couldn't do it because of lab ebfore clinical. Then I got to the hospital...second to last time I'll be there as a nurse. It was funny...I really wasn't looking forward to it, and I figured I'd be miserable...
But then I got to talking to the folks in my little group...told them for sure I wasn't going to come back...and they didn't react how I thought they would. Most people I've told were kind of like..."Well there must be something wrong with you, cause the program's great!" However, these folks, some of whom I respect and some of whom I can barely stand, all said pretty much the same thing. "Yeah, I know what it's like not to fit something...and you know, it takes a really strong person to be able to decide that and do something about it." Even super-christian bitch, who can be a real bitch sometimes with her criticisms, was the first to say that she was impressed that I could say that and do something about it, and that hoped I found my right path. My instructor said the same thing...in fact, just about everyone did. "Well it's a good thing you've realized it now, and better that you're doing something about it." It was really touching, and I almost cried. But I was already sick, and I felt like if I started crying I wouldn't be able to stop for the rest of the week. It was very touching. I am going to miss certain people from that program.
*****************
It seems to me that I had a lot more to say...and I now I feel like I'm missing something.
Some things were said a while ago that made me really miserable. They shouldn't have. They should have made me happy, but they made me so miserable I could barely walk afterward. I have hopes, hopes for the future, that are there and will never disappear, probably, because they are foolish and selfish and I cannot move beyond them. They have been dashed time and time again...but that's the thing about hope...it's still there, no matter how hard you put it down. It was that hope a few years ago that sent me into the darkest darkness I hope to ever experience in my life. This time, like before, they threaten to destroy me, but this time I will not turn to the black to save myself. The black hurts too many others...and I have enough on my conscience, thanks to a certain memory that haunts me every night without fail. I am faced with a paradox, however, because I promised someone that I would NEVER give up, never stop fighting. That person made me promise that even if it meant others would suffer, I could not give up. I would have never made such a promise...but love is a terribly powerful thing. The most powerful thing, in fact. The one force that cannot be overcome, or undone.
*****************
I can't shake the feeling of being left behind either, the feeling of being so far behind everyone else that I'll never catch up. I shouldn't feel the need to catch up, but I can't not, because I'm not powerful and singular; I'm not strong alone.
*****************
I was talking to my dearest friend recently, and they told me that it's nice to know that I can exist as my own person without being in a relationship. I wasn't sure what they meant, but they explained that having never been in a relationship and still being like...alive, I guess, shows that I can do it alone. Whereas they said they've been in several and they're fairly certain they could do well on their own, but they didn't sound so sure. Somehow, I think I've been putting off the wrong signals. It's MISERABLE to be alone. It's not even a little bit tolerable. The only reason I've kept going is because there's no alternative for me. But it's not, for me, something I do well. I hate it, every moment of it, being alone. And I'm not particularly proud of living that way either...I believe companionship is a part of life, a necessary part, and that everyone should have at least one companion on the long journey that is this particular lifetime.
And I find myself conflicted, because I have my deeply cared for friends, and then friends that I am in love with, like...desire romantic advances, but not for the sex, just for the intimacy...for the "I love you" that I could say and not get a funny look back for. And then there are friends...or one, at least, where there's some sexuality involved...and I kind of wish there could be more of the in love with and the deep friend love too. So I'm conflicted. And in the midst of it all, I don't have anyone that I can turn to for all three.
BLEH. Being alone SUCKS. And anyone who thinks otherwise has not experienced it enough.
I've been alone my whole life. And I don't see many benefits to it, except that I cry a lot, and I'm moody about it, and I feel like I could ruin friendships by letting feelings shine out without filters.
*****************
Anywho...
I hope you're all doing well, like I said, I have deep love for you all, deeper and truer than you can imagine. I'm gonna play some serious videogames tonight.