Still fighting the fight.
It has been an eventful day. I am now so far into a sleep deficit that I can't see back to where I started, and I have no idea what having enough sleep was like if I ever experienced it.
But anyway. Got up early this morning, even though I didn't have class for once.
Went to the Naturopathic doctor with my mother, to see about discussing alternative medicine career opportunities that pay well and don't need a degree. But we didn't get to talk, and all we did was set up a meeting time for this coming sunday afternoon. I don't even remember what time. Yikes! But yeah, then I had to wait in the lobby for an hour with nothing to do and a rather irritating hole in my pants.
And then I went home and tried to stay awake until I called my best friend and then she had to go and then I had to go to work, which is where I am now.
Somewhere between steps 4 and 5 (best friend having to go and my going to work), I got into an argument with my mom about the whole thing. It went something like this:
Mom: "You know, I really think you should finish this RN thing."
Travis: "Yeah, everyone's been telling me that."
Mom: "Everyone? Mmmhmm."
Travis: "Everyone except my friends, who are telling me I should find something I enjoy."
Mom: "Oh yeah? Your friends?" (Friends was said in an extremely sarcastic tone.)
"What do your friends tell you?"
Travis: "They don't. They listen. Something you don't seem to ever want to do. I can't live up here for two more years. More, because once I'm out of the program, I'll have to work for at least a year to build up any kind of resume material, and by then, I'll be done. I can't survive three more years in this frozen hell."
And it went on like that for some time. Eventually we reached a point where I was on the verge of tears and my mother realized that she was cutting me open with each word she said. Slowly, she started to ease back into that friendliness, and by the time I left for work, we were on good terms again.
The fact of the matter is, the nursing program is not working out for me. It's not who I am and it's not anyone I'm going to become anytime soon. That, and I probably won't be able to make it through another winter up here. They're terrible. Dark, cold, isolating...it traps me with my family, who I love, but...it's overload, usually...too much family, if you know what I mean.
And the cold and the dark makes everything harder. It makes outside the enemy. And even though I never really thought of myself as an outdoorsie person, I realize now that not being able to enjoy some quality time outdoors really harms my equilibrium. It gets harder every year. Hell, it hasn't even snowed yet, and I'm already having to expend a lot of effort to balance the internal dark and light.
So I need to find something that I can do, something that will be livable...something for the time being so I can get myself south, or west, or wherever its warm. And then I can look deeper, and find what I want to do, get a degree, and everything that a normal person my age does to ensure security and financial stability throughout life.
I'm not as overwhelmed as I may sound. I know what I need to do, it's just a matter of figuring out how to do it, and then making it work. I will do it though. Life's too short to stick with something that I'm not going to enjoy, something that's going to cause me suffering.
And that goes for everyone who reads this too. To rather poorly paraphrase Sidharta, "Pain is necessary, suffering is optional." And there's enough of both to fill the entire universe twice over.
Anywho. I feel like I've been preaching a lot lately. And I don't like to preach. It makes me feel like I'm pretending that I know about how and why things work, and I don't. So I would like to apologize to anyone who feels that I'm preaching...and to myself, cause I know I feel like I am.
Tomorrow night I should have some plans to cheer someone up on their birthday. And then Thursday is Thanksgiving! Yay thanksgiving. And hopefully on Friday I can get some more quality time in with a certain best friend I'm addicted to. And then saturday is another birthday party of sorts, and I'm not sure what the schedule for that's like.
So I'm still fighting the fight. I'm going to figure it out at some point. I'll keep everyone appraised as often as I can.
Love you all, very very much.
<3
But anyway. Got up early this morning, even though I didn't have class for once.
Went to the Naturopathic doctor with my mother, to see about discussing alternative medicine career opportunities that pay well and don't need a degree. But we didn't get to talk, and all we did was set up a meeting time for this coming sunday afternoon. I don't even remember what time. Yikes! But yeah, then I had to wait in the lobby for an hour with nothing to do and a rather irritating hole in my pants.
And then I went home and tried to stay awake until I called my best friend and then she had to go and then I had to go to work, which is where I am now.
Somewhere between steps 4 and 5 (best friend having to go and my going to work), I got into an argument with my mom about the whole thing. It went something like this:
Mom: "You know, I really think you should finish this RN thing."
Travis: "Yeah, everyone's been telling me that."
Mom: "Everyone? Mmmhmm."
Travis: "Everyone except my friends, who are telling me I should find something I enjoy."
Mom: "Oh yeah? Your friends?" (Friends was said in an extremely sarcastic tone.)
"What do your friends tell you?"
Travis: "They don't. They listen. Something you don't seem to ever want to do. I can't live up here for two more years. More, because once I'm out of the program, I'll have to work for at least a year to build up any kind of resume material, and by then, I'll be done. I can't survive three more years in this frozen hell."
And it went on like that for some time. Eventually we reached a point where I was on the verge of tears and my mother realized that she was cutting me open with each word she said. Slowly, she started to ease back into that friendliness, and by the time I left for work, we were on good terms again.
The fact of the matter is, the nursing program is not working out for me. It's not who I am and it's not anyone I'm going to become anytime soon. That, and I probably won't be able to make it through another winter up here. They're terrible. Dark, cold, isolating...it traps me with my family, who I love, but...it's overload, usually...too much family, if you know what I mean.
And the cold and the dark makes everything harder. It makes outside the enemy. And even though I never really thought of myself as an outdoorsie person, I realize now that not being able to enjoy some quality time outdoors really harms my equilibrium. It gets harder every year. Hell, it hasn't even snowed yet, and I'm already having to expend a lot of effort to balance the internal dark and light.
So I need to find something that I can do, something that will be livable...something for the time being so I can get myself south, or west, or wherever its warm. And then I can look deeper, and find what I want to do, get a degree, and everything that a normal person my age does to ensure security and financial stability throughout life.
I'm not as overwhelmed as I may sound. I know what I need to do, it's just a matter of figuring out how to do it, and then making it work. I will do it though. Life's too short to stick with something that I'm not going to enjoy, something that's going to cause me suffering.
And that goes for everyone who reads this too. To rather poorly paraphrase Sidharta, "Pain is necessary, suffering is optional." And there's enough of both to fill the entire universe twice over.
Anywho. I feel like I've been preaching a lot lately. And I don't like to preach. It makes me feel like I'm pretending that I know about how and why things work, and I don't. So I would like to apologize to anyone who feels that I'm preaching...and to myself, cause I know I feel like I am.
Tomorrow night I should have some plans to cheer someone up on their birthday. And then Thursday is Thanksgiving! Yay thanksgiving. And hopefully on Friday I can get some more quality time in with a certain best friend I'm addicted to. And then saturday is another birthday party of sorts, and I'm not sure what the schedule for that's like.
So I'm still fighting the fight. I'm going to figure it out at some point. I'll keep everyone appraised as often as I can.
Love you all, very very much.
<3