(no subject)
(to a person:)
why do you have to be so much more perfect all the time than me. you are more beautiful. you are more friendly. you are better at having conversations and you you are better at not being afraid to say what you mean. you are so much better than me at winning people over. you are so much more appealing to hang out with. you are so much more perfet and it is not even fair at all.
i hate you. i hate you more than anything. i wish you never existed. (but if your existence was nothing would perhaps someone be a lot more melancholy?) i hate your guts. i am so jealous of everything about you and i am so sick of it. i know that when i say how much i hate you it really just shows how unhappy i am with my self. but still, i hate you.
(to another person:)
i am so unhappy.
i don't know what i am, but i know that it is not happy. i an unhappy and lots of it is your fault. i wish i could say that it was all your fault, but i cannot, it is my foolish judgement and willingness (truth) to play along (fake). i am sick of not knowing what you mean by things because you will not let me ask you. i am so sick of not knowing how you feel because i cannot get an answer (and seldom the courage to ask anything). i am sick of missing everything. i am sick of when you will not see me. .i am sick of being see through (but i know it is only transparent because i notice you noticing me). i am sick of fake anger; i am sick of fake happiness.
i am afraid of change. i am afraid of growing up. i am afraid of people thinking i am grown up when i am not and do not want to be. i am afraid of lies; i am afraid of lying to you, and i am afraid of your lies. i am afraid of losing you; and everything that goes along with you. i am afraid of being left out. i am afraid of spotlights. i am afraid that maybe you really do hate me, even though your voice says joking. i am afraid of everything.
i realize how much you must hate me. i realize that you are just too amazing to care. i wish you realized that you actually are amazing, and wonderful, and (everything that i am not) lovely.
i need so much to talk to you. i need to ask so many things. that was perhaps a goal for today, but i guess it didn't happen. i need to talk to you about the (truths or lies?) occurances of last week and the week before and the week before and every other day ever existing in this world. i need to quit lying to myself. i need to quit being jealous.
i need to become beautful, and nice, and i need to become good at conversations. i need to grow up; i need to be a child again. i need to feel lovely like you asked me once if i ever felt (at the time i felt lovely, but in my stubbornness i couldn't admit it). i need to stop crying. i need to stop wishing for things i know i have blown any chances of ever happening.
(to....anyone:)
i need to go to wyoming.