Not a good day for stand up comedy....
" I like swiss cheese. It's the only cheese you can draw with a pencil and identify. "
" I got an ant farm. Them fellas don't grow shit."
"An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see a escalator temporarily outta order sign, just escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience... we appologize for the fact that you can still get up there""
"I have a friend who is a juggler. When I go to his house I don't like to take food from him if it is in threes. "He has three apples left...I guess I can't have one.""
"If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable."
"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're fucking relentless."
"I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too."
For more info... Go Here
For more quotes... Mitch Hedberg Quotes
"Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus... one of those two doesn't sound right."
RIP Mitch