Three Years

[orangecicle]

I loved your love, I clung to your love, but your love was not free. Your love came at a high price. For every kiss, cuddle, and moment of warmth, there was a time of struggle, of fight, of loss. The good always came tempered with bad. Very bad. I gave all of my energy to you. I gave all of myself to you. I was so in love with you at one point that I was willing to pay the price. I imagined that your love was priceless. I was willing to do without. I was willing to lose. Just to have your love. To to feel the strength of your love. Yet your love was conditional. Your love did not include forgiveness of small flaws, and it became slowly apparent to me that my worth as a woman (in your mind) wasn't equal to your imagined worth as a man. Your needs always came first. You had your family, but I did without mine. You had your life, but I bunched mine up, packed it into a suitcase, crunched it into a smaller space to accommodate your personality instead. You always had more space. Much like what you take for granted in your mother, you expected me to sacrifice everything for you. You interrupted my self time, invaded my privacy, interfered with my creative process, and punished me as if I were your slave. You acted as if you owned me. My love was not proved unless I hurt in some way. Your criticism is sharp and constant, your anger is purely demonic. Your love is hot, but so is your hatred. I lost a child, and the child was yours. I was five months pregnant and the fetus looked like a baby. It was a boy and he had facial features. He had my cupid's bow mouth and your prominent nose. But how would you know? You were always busy blaming me for everything, even when it was your own behavior - your drug addiction and violence - that drove me away to protect myself. Your constant chant is that I left you, but obviously I left you for a very good reason. You drained me like an emotional vampire, drinking my blood, everything on your terms. You can't take care of yourself, so the women in your life are expected to make up for your weakness. I escaped in order to save myself. I merely asked you to behave as a man: to be responsible, to practice a bit of self-control. What I asked of you was very reasonable, very normal...and if you "loved" me oh-so-much, then why couldn't you give me at least that?

I think it's time you look at your own face
Can't you see you're speaking out of place
There's nothing to keep you down
You're reaching for the sky while you drown
I'm aware that I've been lost and I've been unkind
But at least I got the courage to admit the crime
So don't come down on me
I'm still young I'm trying to believe

Wait, I'll be fine
Just give me a couple years to say my prayers
I'm alive, you should keep that mirror for yourself
You've got problems you never solve
And I'm the bearer of them all

Everybody's waiting for me to fall
You criticize my walk as I watch you crawl
Nothing's ever fair
But I believe in reality everywhere

Wait, I'll be fine
Just give me a couple years to say my prayers
I'm alive, you should keep that mirror for yourself
Everybody's fighting hard
But there's no leader in the dark

Everybody's waiting for a change
Everybody's waiting for...

Everybody's waiting for something better
Everybody's peeking behind that door
If you try too hard you will never find it
Everybody's waiting for something more
There is so much danger in wanting more...

~ Holly Williams, "Everybody's Waiting For A Change"