depression
im over at matts really depressed. mike and i broke up for good this
time. its been pretty bad, our relationship. this is the fourth time
we've broken up, and its for sure now i think.
i mean yes, it is true that i have been out of sorts since i got back from the residential place. for those that do not know, things escalated at home for me between my parents and i, and my dad all of a sudden decided to put me into a residential place where i would be safe. it was just after new years. he chose this place we used to go to for action drug counseling, when my parents decided to quit smoking pot and set a good example i guess, hoping i would do the same. haha wishful thinking. so the action house is basically for kids that are so far gone that the counseling wont help them , and not even the outpatient therapy will, so they go to the house. its basically a rehab but for teens. so for two weeks i didnt smoke a thing. that place was fucking hell the other kids were dirty liars and bitches and fucking psycho druggies. the staff was awesome, they really thought well of me. i was the best kid in there. i never even snuck a cigarrette. i wanted out though so bad. when you dont expect to be going away and you dont say goodbye it sux. my dad promised me it would only be 15 days. he tricked me into going, and i wasnt even there for the drug aspect of it just the counseling! it was so fucking retarded. after the two weeks, elisa still wanted to be rid of me and i had already missed like a week and a half of school and i just wanted to be back in the valley so bad. so then my dad came up there alone and told the counselor about how the twins had offered to let me live there for 200 bucks a month and he thought that would be the best way to fix the situation.
its been so hard, its like now BOTH of my parents just have left me and i only have myself now. i have no money, and its been so hard for me looking for a job. i havent been able to find one. for anyone who is actually reading this and doesnt know, i got laid off on the day before new years. i havent been able to get another one yet. and yeah, i have been trying. i feel like both of my parents have abandoned me. and on top of that i got this birth control shot in my system fucking me over. i got it about a month ago so this month has been the worst it will be. its making my hormones go crazy its painful and nasty i have just been waiting for this month to be over.
what can i say about it other than ive been depressed and i havent been myself in a long time. the one stable thing i thought i had was my relationship. i fell in love with him so fast and him too. its that old me he loves i think. lately he's been so annoyed with me, he hangs out with matt all the fucking time and then tells me that we're spending too much time together... it doesnt make sense. he even lied to me last sunday night about him not being able to have anyone over and matt not wanting to drive down and pick us up. matt was actually there with him and wasnt even answering the phone when i tried to call him. [by the way, not talking about matt sid people, not skater matt.] we didnt spend time together much while we were dating. he didnt like to talk to me anymore really. the only times i got to spend any time with him was when we would be hanging out in a big group of people. wed have to be with joey or matt or mikes parents or someone always someone. i dont know why he never wanted to be alone with me. i think he just got sick of me.
but i will be honest, i have been going through such a hard time, and i need to have someone that will be there for me. he has to support me like a boyfriend. im not just-started-dating status anymore, hes had me for a while but our relationship isnt deep at all... its so shallow its like skin deep. he complains to me about how all we do is sit around his house and smoke bud and we never do anything. yeah thats all MY fault. he chooses to do what he does, why does he have to make me feel bad about that? every night he lets everyone come down there and chill and smoke. HE does it. since its really the only way i can spend time with him i try to get down there and chill too. its not like weve been alone. theres always other people around. maybe not having sex for a while makes him not want to be alone with me.
well thursday we were alone finally. we were bored but at one point we were actually alone together on his bed. i thought it was ok it was good to be close to him but then the phone rang or something... he got up and left... when he came back he was so bored he couldnt contain himself. he had to watch tv, i tried to get him to turn it off. he said something and it hurt my feelings about just being so fucking bored when i was sitting there on top of him so i was just like fuck you and i walked away. that was mean. matt was on his way down or something, but then i think mike lied to me about his parents telling him to take me home or something and it was only like 6 30. so we went it was silent the whole way. when we got to my place we didnt say goodbye or anything. this is the first time, usually he says something like can i at least get a kiss or a hug or youre not gonna say bye to me? something of that nature but he didnt... i was just like thanks for the ride and i got out really fast. i called him like 20 minutes later and i told him he might be better off with someone else like that girl laurie thats been calling him, his fucking ex girlfriend. we started fighting and he told me how much ive been annoying him cuz im always around and he says i follow him which is not true and i dont really know why he thinks im so fucking clingy. ive been gradually less clingy because ive been depressed. i havent even been that affectionate.
he got this moving job that started yesterday. he has to work 4 straight days but hes getting some dough for it, like 500 or 6. matts been staying at his house i think so that he can drive with him, since matts doing it with him. i knew i wasnt going to be able to see him so i was over at his house mon, tues, wednes, and thurs. but monday i was only there for like an hour or two, and every time i came down there it was a group of people. until thurs. that was the only time we were alone... we were together a lot on the weekend but friday, friday night, and a lot of saturday we were at matts house. his parents were out of town so friday night it was like a party. i spent saturday night with him but we were over at taylors dorm with joey and taylor and some others... joey, taylor, mike, and i went next door for a blunt and i tried this cool jamaician beer called red stripe. i got to be alone with him saturday night yeah. we got back to his house at like 12 30 or so and just crashed. i had to get up at 10 the next morning and go do something so i didnt see him all day, and then that night was when he lied to me so that he wouldnt have to be around me. we hadnt been having very much sex until the weekend, when we did a few times. a couple days later he told me that he thought he were having too much and we should only do it on the weekends. but i wasnt even going to be able to see him this weekend because of the moving job. whatever he can think im clingy. if he loved me he would want to see me as much as i want to see him.
so we fought on the phone for a while and he told me that if i was breaking up with him that he didnt want any messages or phone calls or letters. so i said ok but what about the mutual friends we have? he started laughing and was all you know what they're going to say? if you call them they're going to be like what? you're not with mike? goodbye. and im not going to tell them not to talk to you they just wont. it was a fucked up thing for him to say to me it made me cry so hard. turned out to be true about matt anyway. mike asked geoff and was surprised to see that geoff actually would stay friends with me. matt said to him, i guess you havent known cheryl very long.
so matts not my friend anymore. i feel like shit that he was practically pretending to be my friend just because i was dating mike and he's suddenly mikes shadow. that guy spent more time around him than i did towards the end.
i dont know what to do with myself i feel so alone. but i dont want to be with someone who doesnt want me anymore. all i want is someone that is going to make me feel like everything is going to be okay. i dont know why he doesnt try to keep the relationship strong. he doesnt try to talk to me at all. does he even think about me? doesnt he have things that he wants me to know, or things he wants to ask me? the only shit we ever talked about was whatever bullshit mike was joking about that second or whatever song was on the radio or stupid shit that was going on. unless i started takling to him or something. of course there was always things i wanted to talk to him about, but i would tell him things with or without a connection to him about how i felt and stuff and he would just act he didnt care. like he said, most things didnt phase him. but i mean he would never have anything to say never to comfort me or to discuss it or just fucking tell me what he thinks. never a reply hes like a brick wall...
it hurts so bad i want him back but i cant keep doing this. my heart is aching its always just on my mind and i am always thinking of him. what can i do? i want someone to appreciate being around me. i dont want to be a burden, an obligation, a chore, a fucking piece of shit... im sorry im not a pleasure to be around its not my fault what am i supposed to do? he would just like to put me into a closet and then take me out when its convenient for him. but most of the time i am an inconvenience. i cant take it. it hurts so bad. i always wanted to be around him, he never bothered me. i even thought he was my one true love or soulmate something stupid like that i dont know. i really loved him. it hurts im always crying and i cant help still wanting to be with him. i dont know what to do.
i mean yes, it is true that i have been out of sorts since i got back from the residential place. for those that do not know, things escalated at home for me between my parents and i, and my dad all of a sudden decided to put me into a residential place where i would be safe. it was just after new years. he chose this place we used to go to for action drug counseling, when my parents decided to quit smoking pot and set a good example i guess, hoping i would do the same. haha wishful thinking. so the action house is basically for kids that are so far gone that the counseling wont help them , and not even the outpatient therapy will, so they go to the house. its basically a rehab but for teens. so for two weeks i didnt smoke a thing. that place was fucking hell the other kids were dirty liars and bitches and fucking psycho druggies. the staff was awesome, they really thought well of me. i was the best kid in there. i never even snuck a cigarrette. i wanted out though so bad. when you dont expect to be going away and you dont say goodbye it sux. my dad promised me it would only be 15 days. he tricked me into going, and i wasnt even there for the drug aspect of it just the counseling! it was so fucking retarded. after the two weeks, elisa still wanted to be rid of me and i had already missed like a week and a half of school and i just wanted to be back in the valley so bad. so then my dad came up there alone and told the counselor about how the twins had offered to let me live there for 200 bucks a month and he thought that would be the best way to fix the situation.
its been so hard, its like now BOTH of my parents just have left me and i only have myself now. i have no money, and its been so hard for me looking for a job. i havent been able to find one. for anyone who is actually reading this and doesnt know, i got laid off on the day before new years. i havent been able to get another one yet. and yeah, i have been trying. i feel like both of my parents have abandoned me. and on top of that i got this birth control shot in my system fucking me over. i got it about a month ago so this month has been the worst it will be. its making my hormones go crazy its painful and nasty i have just been waiting for this month to be over.
what can i say about it other than ive been depressed and i havent been myself in a long time. the one stable thing i thought i had was my relationship. i fell in love with him so fast and him too. its that old me he loves i think. lately he's been so annoyed with me, he hangs out with matt all the fucking time and then tells me that we're spending too much time together... it doesnt make sense. he even lied to me last sunday night about him not being able to have anyone over and matt not wanting to drive down and pick us up. matt was actually there with him and wasnt even answering the phone when i tried to call him. [by the way, not talking about matt sid people, not skater matt.] we didnt spend time together much while we were dating. he didnt like to talk to me anymore really. the only times i got to spend any time with him was when we would be hanging out in a big group of people. wed have to be with joey or matt or mikes parents or someone always someone. i dont know why he never wanted to be alone with me. i think he just got sick of me.
but i will be honest, i have been going through such a hard time, and i need to have someone that will be there for me. he has to support me like a boyfriend. im not just-started-dating status anymore, hes had me for a while but our relationship isnt deep at all... its so shallow its like skin deep. he complains to me about how all we do is sit around his house and smoke bud and we never do anything. yeah thats all MY fault. he chooses to do what he does, why does he have to make me feel bad about that? every night he lets everyone come down there and chill and smoke. HE does it. since its really the only way i can spend time with him i try to get down there and chill too. its not like weve been alone. theres always other people around. maybe not having sex for a while makes him not want to be alone with me.
well thursday we were alone finally. we were bored but at one point we were actually alone together on his bed. i thought it was ok it was good to be close to him but then the phone rang or something... he got up and left... when he came back he was so bored he couldnt contain himself. he had to watch tv, i tried to get him to turn it off. he said something and it hurt my feelings about just being so fucking bored when i was sitting there on top of him so i was just like fuck you and i walked away. that was mean. matt was on his way down or something, but then i think mike lied to me about his parents telling him to take me home or something and it was only like 6 30. so we went it was silent the whole way. when we got to my place we didnt say goodbye or anything. this is the first time, usually he says something like can i at least get a kiss or a hug or youre not gonna say bye to me? something of that nature but he didnt... i was just like thanks for the ride and i got out really fast. i called him like 20 minutes later and i told him he might be better off with someone else like that girl laurie thats been calling him, his fucking ex girlfriend. we started fighting and he told me how much ive been annoying him cuz im always around and he says i follow him which is not true and i dont really know why he thinks im so fucking clingy. ive been gradually less clingy because ive been depressed. i havent even been that affectionate.
he got this moving job that started yesterday. he has to work 4 straight days but hes getting some dough for it, like 500 or 6. matts been staying at his house i think so that he can drive with him, since matts doing it with him. i knew i wasnt going to be able to see him so i was over at his house mon, tues, wednes, and thurs. but monday i was only there for like an hour or two, and every time i came down there it was a group of people. until thurs. that was the only time we were alone... we were together a lot on the weekend but friday, friday night, and a lot of saturday we were at matts house. his parents were out of town so friday night it was like a party. i spent saturday night with him but we were over at taylors dorm with joey and taylor and some others... joey, taylor, mike, and i went next door for a blunt and i tried this cool jamaician beer called red stripe. i got to be alone with him saturday night yeah. we got back to his house at like 12 30 or so and just crashed. i had to get up at 10 the next morning and go do something so i didnt see him all day, and then that night was when he lied to me so that he wouldnt have to be around me. we hadnt been having very much sex until the weekend, when we did a few times. a couple days later he told me that he thought he were having too much and we should only do it on the weekends. but i wasnt even going to be able to see him this weekend because of the moving job. whatever he can think im clingy. if he loved me he would want to see me as much as i want to see him.
so we fought on the phone for a while and he told me that if i was breaking up with him that he didnt want any messages or phone calls or letters. so i said ok but what about the mutual friends we have? he started laughing and was all you know what they're going to say? if you call them they're going to be like what? you're not with mike? goodbye. and im not going to tell them not to talk to you they just wont. it was a fucked up thing for him to say to me it made me cry so hard. turned out to be true about matt anyway. mike asked geoff and was surprised to see that geoff actually would stay friends with me. matt said to him, i guess you havent known cheryl very long.
so matts not my friend anymore. i feel like shit that he was practically pretending to be my friend just because i was dating mike and he's suddenly mikes shadow. that guy spent more time around him than i did towards the end.
i dont know what to do with myself i feel so alone. but i dont want to be with someone who doesnt want me anymore. all i want is someone that is going to make me feel like everything is going to be okay. i dont know why he doesnt try to keep the relationship strong. he doesnt try to talk to me at all. does he even think about me? doesnt he have things that he wants me to know, or things he wants to ask me? the only shit we ever talked about was whatever bullshit mike was joking about that second or whatever song was on the radio or stupid shit that was going on. unless i started takling to him or something. of course there was always things i wanted to talk to him about, but i would tell him things with or without a connection to him about how i felt and stuff and he would just act he didnt care. like he said, most things didnt phase him. but i mean he would never have anything to say never to comfort me or to discuss it or just fucking tell me what he thinks. never a reply hes like a brick wall...
it hurts so bad i want him back but i cant keep doing this. my heart is aching its always just on my mind and i am always thinking of him. what can i do? i want someone to appreciate being around me. i dont want to be a burden, an obligation, a chore, a fucking piece of shit... im sorry im not a pleasure to be around its not my fault what am i supposed to do? he would just like to put me into a closet and then take me out when its convenient for him. but most of the time i am an inconvenience. i cant take it. it hurts so bad. i always wanted to be around him, he never bothered me. i even thought he was my one true love or soulmate something stupid like that i dont know. i really loved him. it hurts im always crying and i cant help still wanting to be with him. i dont know what to do.