Addiction.
It is days like today when I discover that my constant need for addiction is over coming me.
Last night I needed a smoke, I use to only smoke socially, but last night I found myself needing one so bad that I sat out in the cold, in my silk PJ’s, at three am, puffing away with this fear that someone would come out of the house and catch me.
For the last three years I have been pretty self-destructive, with all kinds of things, not just cigarettes. I have already pushed the self-destruct button, and I am ready to go, but for some reason, something is pulling me back, something is stopping me from going.
What the hell is it? I don’t even know. It was never there before, and it seems to have only come to me recently, and maybe this morning/late last night, was what has finally made me realise how stupid I have been, let us hope this is the case anyway.
I’m so confused right now. And just needed to write this out, to get it organised in my head.
Last night I needed a smoke, I use to only smoke socially, but last night I found myself needing one so bad that I sat out in the cold, in my silk PJ’s, at three am, puffing away with this fear that someone would come out of the house and catch me.
For the last three years I have been pretty self-destructive, with all kinds of things, not just cigarettes. I have already pushed the self-destruct button, and I am ready to go, but for some reason, something is pulling me back, something is stopping me from going.
What the hell is it? I don’t even know. It was never there before, and it seems to have only come to me recently, and maybe this morning/late last night, was what has finally made me realise how stupid I have been, let us hope this is the case anyway.
I’m so confused right now. And just needed to write this out, to get it organised in my head.