(no subject)
I'm really having issues with feeling like I'm lost in the direction that I'm headed in my life. I don't even know where I want to end up anymore. It just feels like whatever it is I'm doing, it's always the thing that I'm not doing that seems more appealing. And it's making me very frustrated.
I want to do summer opera programs because I know it will give me the experience I need in order to feel like what I'm working towards is actually going to get me somewhere, but there are a few problems with this. First of all, I'm going to need to do my basic training for the military sometime in the spring. This is good because I get paid to do it, which gives me more money... but I also want to do camp this summer because I loved camp, I miss it and it'll give me lots of money. But there are set dates for camp, which is where the problem occurs... most programs are smack dab in the middle of the summer, which means i can do them and still do camp. And there's no way I can get a different job that'll let me take off 5 weeks in the middle of summer and then let me come back. The second problem is actually getting in... i really don't feel like i have any chance of actually getting into these programs and it's really sucks to know what i want to sound like and just not being able to do what i need to do. And then there's also the issue of when i do apply for these things, i need to give them a resume of all my singing stuff. What am I going to say, chorus for this and chorus for that? I've never gotten a lead role or even a small role and no matter how many solos I try out for I never seem to get them. You know, there used to be a point when I thought I was actually pretty good at singing. I'm starting to feel like it was all a lie and I really wonder how the hell i got into performance in the first place. I am no where near the calabre of anyone else and I just hate the fact that next year so many people are going to come back from the summer having spent the entire time going from one program to the next improving from working with all these amazing people and I wont have that because I'm sure even if i did audition for these programs I wouldnt get in. I haven't been practising that much lately because I'm feeling like it's useless and I'm starting to hate the sound of my own voice because it's not how I want it to sound and I'm trying so hard that I cant even tell if what the hell I'm doing is right anymore. I'm getting really scared for my jury in a couple weeks... I'm doing amazingly well in school right now and the only exam that's freaking me out is my jury because it's not something I can study for. It's not set up so that you can have right answers and wrong answers and if you study, you'll know the right ones. To tell the truth, I'm honestly scared about passing my jury. I've only ever gotten low 70's in the juries I've done, and now that I'm a performance major they're going to be marking harder... I just feel like no matter how hard i try i'll never measure up and i'm not sure i ever will. Which is really scary because then it's like, what the hell am i doing getting my degree in performance if i'll never get a role and i cant go anywhere with it once i'm done my undergrad? How the hell am i going to make a living and support myself??? WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE??!
I guess I do know where I want to end up eventually, it just seems so unrealistic to me right now. And i hate that there are some people out there who dont even try and are so amazing and here i am trying as hard as i can and am getting no where. I used to be so sure about everything I was doing in my life... what the hell happened??? And when did I start sucking so much????
I want to do summer opera programs because I know it will give me the experience I need in order to feel like what I'm working towards is actually going to get me somewhere, but there are a few problems with this. First of all, I'm going to need to do my basic training for the military sometime in the spring. This is good because I get paid to do it, which gives me more money... but I also want to do camp this summer because I loved camp, I miss it and it'll give me lots of money. But there are set dates for camp, which is where the problem occurs... most programs are smack dab in the middle of the summer, which means i can do them and still do camp. And there's no way I can get a different job that'll let me take off 5 weeks in the middle of summer and then let me come back. The second problem is actually getting in... i really don't feel like i have any chance of actually getting into these programs and it's really sucks to know what i want to sound like and just not being able to do what i need to do. And then there's also the issue of when i do apply for these things, i need to give them a resume of all my singing stuff. What am I going to say, chorus for this and chorus for that? I've never gotten a lead role or even a small role and no matter how many solos I try out for I never seem to get them. You know, there used to be a point when I thought I was actually pretty good at singing. I'm starting to feel like it was all a lie and I really wonder how the hell i got into performance in the first place. I am no where near the calabre of anyone else and I just hate the fact that next year so many people are going to come back from the summer having spent the entire time going from one program to the next improving from working with all these amazing people and I wont have that because I'm sure even if i did audition for these programs I wouldnt get in. I haven't been practising that much lately because I'm feeling like it's useless and I'm starting to hate the sound of my own voice because it's not how I want it to sound and I'm trying so hard that I cant even tell if what the hell I'm doing is right anymore. I'm getting really scared for my jury in a couple weeks... I'm doing amazingly well in school right now and the only exam that's freaking me out is my jury because it's not something I can study for. It's not set up so that you can have right answers and wrong answers and if you study, you'll know the right ones. To tell the truth, I'm honestly scared about passing my jury. I've only ever gotten low 70's in the juries I've done, and now that I'm a performance major they're going to be marking harder... I just feel like no matter how hard i try i'll never measure up and i'm not sure i ever will. Which is really scary because then it's like, what the hell am i doing getting my degree in performance if i'll never get a role and i cant go anywhere with it once i'm done my undergrad? How the hell am i going to make a living and support myself??? WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE??!
I guess I do know where I want to end up eventually, it just seems so unrealistic to me right now. And i hate that there are some people out there who dont even try and are so amazing and here i am trying as hard as i can and am getting no where. I used to be so sure about everything I was doing in my life... what the hell happened??? And when did I start sucking so much????