a snowy night with nothing to do
tonite is already going to be a shitty night. i can feel it. nothing to do. no one to hang with. no one to talk to. no one to drink with. blah.
work was kinda short today. it went by fast. there wasnt much to do. it was cold. there was an accident down the street. didnt look too good. we werent that busy. i work all weekend. five frickin days this week. i swear they abuse me sometimes. heh. its all good tho. the money will be good. not like i didnt work five days this week. besides i need to get back on track with school and work. this will be my starting week. so much fun. anyways i was working today and this fucking gorgous blk guy asks me if i could help him for a second. his eyes were so fucking pretty. so im standing there talkin to him BSing and all this and all of a sudden it hit me. he smelt JUST LIKE robbie. i just wanted to cry. he was cute tho and nice. but like 40. lol. i hate when shit like that happens. its like you already miss em enough so why this ya know. love fucking bites.
he wants his shirt back. thats some shit. thats some shit that hasnt been mentioned in months. kinda depressing. its like now i know for sure that its over. i think ima give it back to him tho. what do i need it for. only time i even wear it is when i cant sleep. its like it gives me a sense of protection or something. i dont know. its all in my fucking mind. i know that much. its like the only thing i have left of the kid and he wants to take that from me too. thanks. oh well. i gotta get over him some how right.
blah the guys are home. that sux. time to hear nothing but bitch-bitch-bitch for the rest of the night. good thing tho? i can snag a few smokes from bry. i should have stopped on the way home from work bc i knew that i only had one left and that i was gonna smoke it but i didnt bc the roads are a lil bit slippery. oh well. i need to quit. i been saying that for who knows how long tho. i probally never will. oh well. the more i smoke the faster i die and the sooner people dont have to put up with my shit anymore. lol. mark laughed today when i told him that. i was sittin in the breakroom talkin to samantha and he walked in and like took a deep breath and held it in until he walked back out like a few seconds later. i blew the smoke right in his face. that kid seriously annoys me. fer real. hes a lil fucking prep that thinks hes hott shit. i think not.
i gotta pee. i dont feel like gettin up tho. lol. im comfortable sitting on the chair all twisted up. ::shrugs:: oh well. im hungry too but i dont really feel like eating. i hate when i get all depressed and shit bc i dont eat and i dont even realize that im not eating until i start to feel sick and then i dont feel like eating bc i dont feel good but i have to sit and force myself to eat. lol. that sounded real confusing when i wrote it out.
i hate feeling the way that i feel. like nothing matters anymore. i just want to stop caring about everything that did or does matter to me. i want to give up on everything. its like a phase that i go thru every so often. it when i start pushing people away and stop talkin to people for awhile and just exclude everyone outta my life. i dont want to be bothered. i just want to be left alone. and the most annoying part about it is that you can see it in my face. bc everyone, kinda like at work today, is like whats wrong you look like something is bothering you. or they tell me that im being really quite and shit. its fucking gay. its like why cant i live this normal life where when shit happens it happens and i move on to the next thing. why do i let so many lil things impact my life so much. not saying that things that have happened recently are lil or anything but you get my drift. i swear its times like this when i seriously feel like i have a problem. i just daze off or i'll sleep when ever i get the chance so i dont have to be bothered. i guess thats just what you call a stage of depression huh. i hate it. fer real. i just want it to go away. i want to fucking feel normal. i want to smile when something makes me happy instead of just hold it all in. i want to act stupid when theres nothing to do and laugh when something is funnie. instead i just kinda sit here like a dead tree or something. lol. reminds me of "girl, interrupted" theres a part when the gurls compared to a tree and shes like "im not a fucking tree alright, im a shrub, ima god damn shrub". something along them lines. idk. i should go watch that movie. i watched this one movie today called 'mad love' it was kinda messed up. the gurl like escapes from the mental home and runs away to texas with the guy that shes dating and she starts having all these mental breakdowns on him and tried to kill him and then herself and shit but in the end she turns herself back into the hospital. kinda weird.idk. it was a good movie nonetheless. ugh. i just want things back to normal i guess.
ashleigh went to the doctors on thursday to see what they were gonna do bout the baby. shes got that pre-eclampsia or whatever. all i figured out bout the whole issue is that its not too healthy for her or the baby and to get rid of it they'll probally make her have the baby earlie. she was suppose to call me but never did. kinda sux. i was hoping this time she'd keep in touch at least. guess not. shes suppose to be back in school but all the days except tuesday she wasnt there. not too good of a start. idk. maybe shes got reason this time. who knows. it aint my problem anymore. i aint her problem anymore. we just went our seperate ways.
::sighs::
i need some good music to DL. all the songs i have are depressing songs that do nothing but make me think about the past and i dont want none of that. reguardless i have a lot of songs that are good at the same time. HmMMm i dont know. i think im bout to go see whats on TV and get something to eat. im sure i'll be updating this sometime later in the night seeing as tho i probally wont sleep tonite.
work was kinda short today. it went by fast. there wasnt much to do. it was cold. there was an accident down the street. didnt look too good. we werent that busy. i work all weekend. five frickin days this week. i swear they abuse me sometimes. heh. its all good tho. the money will be good. not like i didnt work five days this week. besides i need to get back on track with school and work. this will be my starting week. so much fun. anyways i was working today and this fucking gorgous blk guy asks me if i could help him for a second. his eyes were so fucking pretty. so im standing there talkin to him BSing and all this and all of a sudden it hit me. he smelt JUST LIKE robbie. i just wanted to cry. he was cute tho and nice. but like 40. lol. i hate when shit like that happens. its like you already miss em enough so why this ya know. love fucking bites.
he wants his shirt back. thats some shit. thats some shit that hasnt been mentioned in months. kinda depressing. its like now i know for sure that its over. i think ima give it back to him tho. what do i need it for. only time i even wear it is when i cant sleep. its like it gives me a sense of protection or something. i dont know. its all in my fucking mind. i know that much. its like the only thing i have left of the kid and he wants to take that from me too. thanks. oh well. i gotta get over him some how right.
blah the guys are home. that sux. time to hear nothing but bitch-bitch-bitch for the rest of the night. good thing tho? i can snag a few smokes from bry. i should have stopped on the way home from work bc i knew that i only had one left and that i was gonna smoke it but i didnt bc the roads are a lil bit slippery. oh well. i need to quit. i been saying that for who knows how long tho. i probally never will. oh well. the more i smoke the faster i die and the sooner people dont have to put up with my shit anymore. lol. mark laughed today when i told him that. i was sittin in the breakroom talkin to samantha and he walked in and like took a deep breath and held it in until he walked back out like a few seconds later. i blew the smoke right in his face. that kid seriously annoys me. fer real. hes a lil fucking prep that thinks hes hott shit. i think not.
i gotta pee. i dont feel like gettin up tho. lol. im comfortable sitting on the chair all twisted up. ::shrugs:: oh well. im hungry too but i dont really feel like eating. i hate when i get all depressed and shit bc i dont eat and i dont even realize that im not eating until i start to feel sick and then i dont feel like eating bc i dont feel good but i have to sit and force myself to eat. lol. that sounded real confusing when i wrote it out.
i hate feeling the way that i feel. like nothing matters anymore. i just want to stop caring about everything that did or does matter to me. i want to give up on everything. its like a phase that i go thru every so often. it when i start pushing people away and stop talkin to people for awhile and just exclude everyone outta my life. i dont want to be bothered. i just want to be left alone. and the most annoying part about it is that you can see it in my face. bc everyone, kinda like at work today, is like whats wrong you look like something is bothering you. or they tell me that im being really quite and shit. its fucking gay. its like why cant i live this normal life where when shit happens it happens and i move on to the next thing. why do i let so many lil things impact my life so much. not saying that things that have happened recently are lil or anything but you get my drift. i swear its times like this when i seriously feel like i have a problem. i just daze off or i'll sleep when ever i get the chance so i dont have to be bothered. i guess thats just what you call a stage of depression huh. i hate it. fer real. i just want it to go away. i want to fucking feel normal. i want to smile when something makes me happy instead of just hold it all in. i want to act stupid when theres nothing to do and laugh when something is funnie. instead i just kinda sit here like a dead tree or something. lol. reminds me of "girl, interrupted" theres a part when the gurls compared to a tree and shes like "im not a fucking tree alright, im a shrub, ima god damn shrub". something along them lines. idk. i should go watch that movie. i watched this one movie today called 'mad love' it was kinda messed up. the gurl like escapes from the mental home and runs away to texas with the guy that shes dating and she starts having all these mental breakdowns on him and tried to kill him and then herself and shit but in the end she turns herself back into the hospital. kinda weird.idk. it was a good movie nonetheless. ugh. i just want things back to normal i guess.
ashleigh went to the doctors on thursday to see what they were gonna do bout the baby. shes got that pre-eclampsia or whatever. all i figured out bout the whole issue is that its not too healthy for her or the baby and to get rid of it they'll probally make her have the baby earlie. she was suppose to call me but never did. kinda sux. i was hoping this time she'd keep in touch at least. guess not. shes suppose to be back in school but all the days except tuesday she wasnt there. not too good of a start. idk. maybe shes got reason this time. who knows. it aint my problem anymore. i aint her problem anymore. we just went our seperate ways.
::sighs::
i need some good music to DL. all the songs i have are depressing songs that do nothing but make me think about the past and i dont want none of that. reguardless i have a lot of songs that are good at the same time. HmMMm i dont know. i think im bout to go see whats on TV and get something to eat. im sure i'll be updating this sometime later in the night seeing as tho i probally wont sleep tonite.