(no subject)
My mom died around 3am on Sunday morning. It absolutely kills me that I wasn't there, that I didn't call her Saturday evening like I said I would, that the last time I saw her she was so, so sad to see me go. I promised her I would be there and I wasn't. And I don't know how to deal with that.
The hospice called on Friday to let me know that her condition had worsened, and she had grown congested, but nobody thought she would go so soon; mom kept persuading from flying back, because 'what if i did and i didn't actually need to,' she told me to wait til Monday. I spoke with a nurse on Saturday that said we should 'wait and she how she's doing tomorrow'. I should've just got on a plane. I wish anyone would've told me to get on a plane.
I just keep thinking about her struggling to breathe and scared in her dark room and not having anyone there.
I know it's over, and there's nothing I can do about it now, and there's no way I could've known, and the only reason I was in Vancouver was to I could sort my shit out, so I could spend more time in Winnipeg to be with her, and whatever other bullshit. But, I just can't stop thinking: why didn't I. I love her so much, I wish so fucking hard that I had been there.
I am absolutely heartbroken, and only person I want to talk to about it is my mom.
The hospice called on Friday to let me know that her condition had worsened, and she had grown congested, but nobody thought she would go so soon; mom kept persuading from flying back, because 'what if i did and i didn't actually need to,' she told me to wait til Monday. I spoke with a nurse on Saturday that said we should 'wait and she how she's doing tomorrow'. I should've just got on a plane. I wish anyone would've told me to get on a plane.
I just keep thinking about her struggling to breathe and scared in her dark room and not having anyone there.
I know it's over, and there's nothing I can do about it now, and there's no way I could've known, and the only reason I was in Vancouver was to I could sort my shit out, so I could spend more time in Winnipeg to be with her, and whatever other bullshit. But, I just can't stop thinking: why didn't I. I love her so much, I wish so fucking hard that I had been there.
I am absolutely heartbroken, and only person I want to talk to about it is my mom.