Really confused
This morning has been hard. I only got about 4 hrs of sleep again, and ever since I woke up I've been thinking about how I must be the biggest douche in the world if the two people who love(d) me most have completely cut me out of their lives (among a handful of other people). Since I'm the one in this exile, and since I genuinely care, it stands to reason that I'm going to I guess dwell on it -- because I want to understand myself better. If I do things I'm not aware of, then I want to know because I don't want to be doing those things and hurting the people I care about.
So, yet another day of seeing myself over the last few years a bit more objectively. Which is good...though painful and exhausting. I'm so sad about everything with everyone. And what bugs me presently is that I'm starting to remember that not everything was always my fault. It feels like I'm always willing to blame myself completely for situations that are definitely two-sided. But...I hear defensiveness is one of my flaws, so I try to stop myself when the urge comes up to say, "yeah, but...!". It has made a good amount of difference I think in trying to understand where other people are coming from in certain situations I happen to recall.
I'm wondering if the big reason people don't want anything to do with me is because they think I don't "get it" about why they are upset, and/or I haven't or wouldn't fix the problem on my end. I'd really like to. I think the defensiveness is really the big problem I have here...and hopefully learning to drop that will somehow help? I dunno what to do about any of it, just that people would rather I do nothing besides leave them all alone for the rest of time.
But I miss them.
I'm not some monster. Everyone makes mistakes. That doesn't mean that the jerk I've been is excusable or OK, but I mean, if it were the other way around...it matters to me that the other person actually cares and wants to try to make amends or takes the time to understand where I'm coming from. I don't feel like anyone has considered what things have been like for me...but that's another one of those things I've learned to let go of. People are not going to try and understand you, they are going to judge what you do and react to you because of it. Just because I try to see what's going on underneath people's upsetting actions, that doesn't mean that any other person is going to do that for me. That's just the way that is.
I'm not religious or anything, but I'm hoping for some kind of guidance which might help me towards putting things right in all of my friendships. I say friendships, but I think that to most of them I'm basically dead and they don't mind that. I really don't know.
The one that weighs on me most of all is dear Jennifer. She's in a way completely different than all the others, because she's not exactly my former friend. It's like a whole different set of rules when it comes to dealing with her. It's one of those things where I feel in my bones like there is a way back to her....but in the real world it seems such an impossibility. I thought I knew something about people, but women it seems are still a great mystery to me.
Lately I've been worrying about her, wondering if she ever gets sad or lonely. I miss her terribly...but I just hope she's happy. If she is....then I guess I could bear the idea of leaving her alone. Not that I plan to seek her out, because she doesn't want that, but it would just be a relief to me knowing that she is doing OK.
I love her more than she will ever believe... :( <3
So, yet another day of seeing myself over the last few years a bit more objectively. Which is good...though painful and exhausting. I'm so sad about everything with everyone. And what bugs me presently is that I'm starting to remember that not everything was always my fault. It feels like I'm always willing to blame myself completely for situations that are definitely two-sided. But...I hear defensiveness is one of my flaws, so I try to stop myself when the urge comes up to say, "yeah, but...!". It has made a good amount of difference I think in trying to understand where other people are coming from in certain situations I happen to recall.
I'm wondering if the big reason people don't want anything to do with me is because they think I don't "get it" about why they are upset, and/or I haven't or wouldn't fix the problem on my end. I'd really like to. I think the defensiveness is really the big problem I have here...and hopefully learning to drop that will somehow help? I dunno what to do about any of it, just that people would rather I do nothing besides leave them all alone for the rest of time.
But I miss them.
I'm not some monster. Everyone makes mistakes. That doesn't mean that the jerk I've been is excusable or OK, but I mean, if it were the other way around...it matters to me that the other person actually cares and wants to try to make amends or takes the time to understand where I'm coming from. I don't feel like anyone has considered what things have been like for me...but that's another one of those things I've learned to let go of. People are not going to try and understand you, they are going to judge what you do and react to you because of it. Just because I try to see what's going on underneath people's upsetting actions, that doesn't mean that any other person is going to do that for me. That's just the way that is.
I'm not religious or anything, but I'm hoping for some kind of guidance which might help me towards putting things right in all of my friendships. I say friendships, but I think that to most of them I'm basically dead and they don't mind that. I really don't know.
The one that weighs on me most of all is dear Jennifer. She's in a way completely different than all the others, because she's not exactly my former friend. It's like a whole different set of rules when it comes to dealing with her. It's one of those things where I feel in my bones like there is a way back to her....but in the real world it seems such an impossibility. I thought I knew something about people, but women it seems are still a great mystery to me.
Lately I've been worrying about her, wondering if she ever gets sad or lonely. I miss her terribly...but I just hope she's happy. If she is....then I guess I could bear the idea of leaving her alone. Not that I plan to seek her out, because she doesn't want that, but it would just be a relief to me knowing that she is doing OK.
I love her more than she will ever believe... :( <3