St. Patrick's Day
Today wasn't terrible. Went out to Boston with Joe, Cassandra, and Amanda, who is pretty cool. I drank a lot, man, but here it is later on and I'm actually fine. My tolerance is building really quickly now -- although, I have been drinking a fucking LOT lately...so obviously that would be why. I actually forget how frequently or how much I drink nowadays. Teenager Billy would be ashamed...
Anyways, today was fun-ish, though it would have been better had we gotten there early for the parade. But Cassandra was working and Joe was out hiking with Jake. Oh well, I guess next year we can be better-prepared.
This weekend wasn't bad...though I slept a frightening amount over the last 2-3 days....and obviously I know the two or three reasons why that is. I'm not happy about that. I'm still trying to find a way to care again, about myself or my existence. As it is, right now I still don't. I still go to sleep at night hoping that I won't wake up.
Even today, I should have enjoyed myself so much more...but no matter what, I always end up thinking "she's not here..." :(
"I'm free and I want to be. Please don't do anything, Billy. I don't want you to."
It's hard to heal when the shards are still stuck in my mind. But really...healing is as easy as telling myself I want something else. Anything else. ANYTHING but her...
But I do want her. I love her, like a fucking fool it would seem. But nonetheless.
I know I'm never going to 'feel better', because what I want is something legitimately impossible. It's not 'just her', it's a lot more than that. But whatever...it's pointless to get into that here. All of this is pointless anyway.
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
Anyways, today was fun-ish, though it would have been better had we gotten there early for the parade. But Cassandra was working and Joe was out hiking with Jake. Oh well, I guess next year we can be better-prepared.
This weekend wasn't bad...though I slept a frightening amount over the last 2-3 days....and obviously I know the two or three reasons why that is. I'm not happy about that. I'm still trying to find a way to care again, about myself or my existence. As it is, right now I still don't. I still go to sleep at night hoping that I won't wake up.
Even today, I should have enjoyed myself so much more...but no matter what, I always end up thinking "she's not here..." :(
"I'm free and I want to be. Please don't do anything, Billy. I don't want you to."
It's hard to heal when the shards are still stuck in my mind. But really...healing is as easy as telling myself I want something else. Anything else. ANYTHING but her...
But I do want her. I love her, like a fucking fool it would seem. But nonetheless.
I know I'm never going to 'feel better', because what I want is something legitimately impossible. It's not 'just her', it's a lot more than that. But whatever...it's pointless to get into that here. All of this is pointless anyway.
Happy St. Patrick's Day!