Just in time for tonight's action...
I should really be charging you guys for this stuff. Note: everything I say is right. I am a hockey expert. I just won my fantasy league if you want proof. Without futher ado:
WESTERN CONFERENCE
Step it up, Pavs. First, use the right end of the marker.
(1) YOUR DETROIT RED WINGS v. (8) Calgary Flames
There's a whole litany of reasons why the Red Wings should lose this series. You know them all -- softness, size, travel, history, lack of desire, etc. But there's also a host of reasons why the Red Wings must win this series, and given that, I think success is in the cards this year.
Yes, I know I've said that every year since 2002. Yes, Calgary is a fantastic team and is by no means your typical 8th seed. Iginla should be a nightmare, and Kiprusoff will be a nightmare, no doubt. But the Red Wings just have to win, plain and simple, because this is probably the first year where, for them, relevance is on the line. Having lost Yzerman and Shanahan, having bowed out early the last 3 years, and having endured a lockout that nation-wide knocked professional hockey's popularity down to high school basketball levels, the Red Wings right now are perched on the brink of living in a so-called Hockeytown that doesn't really care all that much about them. They know they have to win, for risk of becoming even more of a sideshow than they are now that Mr. I's other team has re-emerged.
And when it's apparent that a win is a must, there's few better players to have on your team than Dominik Hasek. He'll shut the door. No offense to Legace, but this something he couldn't do -- it's something that, really, only a few goaltenders in the history of the game can do. Compared to the past 3 seasons of failure, the Wings have, for the first time, nothing to fear in the net -- so long as Dom is healthy. He goes down, so goes the team.
They're grittier, too, which is nice; a bit less one-dimensional. What scares me is the decreased PP percentage, which isn't good against a physical team like Calgary. Considering the Wings play a primarily puck-possession game, theoretically their best shots of scoring will come from forcing the Flames into penalties and firing away on the power play. Calgary can probably out-muscle them 5-on-5. Then again, this PP-heavy approach was the Wings bread and butter the last 3 years and therfore maybe its better that they're not relying on it so much this year.
And of course there's Pavel. It's time buddy. It was time last year too, which sorta freaks me out.
Prediction: Wings in six.
* * * * *
God's gift to the Ducks: the Broad who got Chris and his Prong sent to Anaheim from Edmonton.
(2) Anaheim Ducks v. (7) Minnesota Wild
Yeah the Ducks should win. I won't go too much against the grain there. However I had Minny as my dark horse in the West before the seedings were released; their end of the season tear was just awesome.
That being said, I had the Ducks pegged as Cup finalists before the season even started, so that prediction trumps the Minny prediction on sheer precedential value alone, not to mention cold, hard reality. The Wild are good, but the goaltending is a question mark, despite the fact that 29-year old "rookie" Nicklas Backstrom may have single-handedly saved my fantasy hockey season. But he's probably not playoff material.
Despite the fact that I think the Wild will give the Ducks much more work than just about anybody else does, I'll safely pick the Ducks here, but do note that I will be trying to act like I was ballsy if the Ducks end up going down.
Prediction: Ducks in six.
* * * * *
To the Stars, the Sedins are just about as scary.
(3) Vancouver Canucks v. (6) Dallas Stars
Vancouver's gonna win. Luongo's just a straight stud and there's no reason to believe he won't continue this in the postseason. The Sedins are scary, as I already said. Naslund should, hopefully, come around.
From top to bottom, Dallas is the all-around better team -- better depth at forward, better depth at defense, adequate goaltending. But these two teams both have struggled to score, and when it comes down to that, you need to go on who has the better goalie. Luongo's excellence outshines Turco's mediocrity to an almost embarassing extent, and I don't like saying that given the fact that a.) I like Turco; and b.) Turco's a fellow Wolverine.
If Dallas can find some balanced scoring, then look out. Otherwise, I think Vancouver wins it.
Prediction: Canucks in six.
* * * * *
Wrong team, but same result. Jumbo Joe's gonna get deflated again.
(4) Nashville Predators v. (5) San Jose Sharks
It's just sickening that one of these teams is going to be eliminated in the first round -- in my opinion, they're the two of the top three in the West (the other being Anaheim). But so it goes.
I base this prediction on a few factors. First, is selfishness. I want to play the Predators in the second round (assuming, of course, the Wings make it there). I think we match up better against Nashville and I would like to stoke up some sort of rivalry. Second, is history. Nashville got cheated last year against these guys when Vokoun went down. I'd like to see fate make good on that. In reality, though, this series is just too close to call.
San Jose's physicality could just blow Nashville out of the water (how will Nashville's finessers take to being beat to hell?). San Jose's got a fearsome twosome between the pipes; I don't even remember who's their starting goalie anymore. They added Bill Guerin to Joe Thornton, Cheechoo and Marleau (yikes).
But Nashville's not the Wings -- they can hold their own physically. They've got a solid, albeit young, defensive core, which might prove to be a liability as much as a strength. They've also got two goalies having good but not great years, which could either be a luxury or an unnecessary distraction (what do you do if SJ gets out to a 2-0 lead in the serious? Go with Mason?).
This will be a good one, no doubt, assuming no blood clots get involved.
Prediction: Preds in 7.
* * * * *
EASTERN CONFERENCE
Ted Nolan says: "Well, I already know I'm Buffalo's bitch. [Sigh]. I'm just gonna hang out, here, yep... ahhh yeah. [Grunts, cracks knuckles]. You guys want to do a longest drive competition this weekend? Yeah? Cool. I'll have Rick set up the tee time. [Rolls neck, cracks his shoulders]. Oh shit, they scored again."
(1) Buffalo Sabres v. (8) NY Islanders.
Bad news for the Islanders: this is bound to be Ryan Miller's most shining performance since the time he lost his virginity in a college threesome with a teammate and a reporter from the E. Lansing News (I know this is true, my sister hung out with him at State. He used to play her DMB songs on guitar).
Really, who's going to stop the quadruple wave that is Buffalo's forwards corps? Not the Islanders, who'll initially be pinning their hopes on goalie Wade Dubielwicz (the man behind the "pokecheck heard 'round Ontario" that knocked the Leafs out of the playoffs this weekend) since Islander-for-life Rick "15 Years" DiPietro will miss the start of the series.
Smart money says: the Sabres are smoking "Dube" by the start of the second period of game 1, forcing Garth Snow to come out of his luxury box and man goal; Garth Snow handles this responsibiilty as well as he manages his team (15 YEARS FOR RICK DIPIETRO? REALLY?) resulting in a Game 1 score of 43-0.
Prediction: Sabres in 5.
* * * * *
Jamie just pissed himself. No hats this time, Vinny.
(2) NJ Devils v. (7) Bolts
Conventional wisdom says that TB has nary a chance. NJ locks it down and there's really no daylight, even though they're missing shining stud on D as they had in years past. But what can you say about Marty Brodeur that hasn't already been said? He's un-phasable.
But, like the Wings, the Devils tend to be feast or famine in the playoffs, and there are factors that would suggest that this year will see the former. TB's got some explosive offense, with Vinny Lecavelier finally breaking out. NJ's got some seriously questionable injuries; at last glance, Elias, Madden, Gomez, et. al we're not 100%. And there's also the coaching factor -- will the late-season firing of Claude Julien have a major effect?
In the end, I doubt that TB can take four games here, mainly due to a lack of depth and proven goaltending. I'd love to see it though -- I'm sick of pivotal playoff games being played in the swamp.
Prediction: Jersey Trash in 6.
* * * * *
Reason #1 why the Rags will be out early -- Sean needs to get back to LA so he can get back in his hockey-loving, Canadian babe girlfriend Elisha Cuthbert's crease!
(3) ATL v. (6) NY Rags
Atlanta over NY? Am I serious. Yes!
Let's break it down. Shanahan will float around for a few games. Avery will run his mouth and end up penalized. Jagr will get sand is his vag yet again. King Henrik, mega the mega he might be, playoff proven he is not. I don't expect him to struggle like he did last year, or earlier in this season, but I just can't give him the benefit of the doubt given the crest that's on his jersey. However, this seems to be a Rags team that has come into form lately. But it's also a Rags team that needs to win given the expectations of last year and this year (especially given the moves they've made) and, in my opinion, doesn't have the intestinal fortitude to put it together.
Atlanta's been just as hot since the deadline, with their big acquisitions having immediate and lasting impact. Lehtonen's untested, but he's a stud in the making, and I predict this will be his time to shine. How's NY's so-so defense going to handle Kovy, Hossa, and a rejuvenated Fatchuck? ATL's just happy to be here, and they'll be playing like they've got nothing to lose. Team them against a NYR team which is burdened by expectation and a dearth of players able to step it up when it counts, and I see tears on Broadway come next week.
Prediction: Thrashers in 6.
* * * * *
Hmmm... maybe next year.
(4) Ottawa Senators v. (5) Pittsburgh Penguins
Sad as it is, I think this is the year Ottawa gets it together. This is sad because I love the Penguins. I love everything they've done. I fear they're going to get ripped apart in a few years and thus I want to see them suceed now. But I just think Ottawa's going to take it.
Give it to them on experience alone: they've been there every year. They know how and why they lost. The Penguins just don't know these things.
This series will likely turn on the performance of the goaltenders, as they're two big question marks: which Sugar Ray Emery will we get, the good one, or the just plain terrible one? If it's the latter, Crosby, Malkin and Staal will have a field day. Is MAF ready for the pressure? Will he wilt under the force of Spezza, Heater, Alfie, etc.? Will we have T-Bo, who's about as old as a T-Rex (good one, I know) replacing MAF early on?
And really, who plays defense for the Penguins? Gonchar, Brooks Orpik, and... and... and...
The Penguins will learn a lot by losing this series. If they win it, I'll be overjoyed. But it's got to be time for Ottawa, and their experience has to outweigh whatever youthful enthusiasm the Penguins will bring to the table. Now, if Recchi and Roberts take the young Pens on their back, then....
Prediction: Sens in 6.
WESTERN CONFERENCE
Step it up, Pavs. First, use the right end of the marker.
(1) YOUR DETROIT RED WINGS v. (8) Calgary Flames
There's a whole litany of reasons why the Red Wings should lose this series. You know them all -- softness, size, travel, history, lack of desire, etc. But there's also a host of reasons why the Red Wings must win this series, and given that, I think success is in the cards this year.
Yes, I know I've said that every year since 2002. Yes, Calgary is a fantastic team and is by no means your typical 8th seed. Iginla should be a nightmare, and Kiprusoff will be a nightmare, no doubt. But the Red Wings just have to win, plain and simple, because this is probably the first year where, for them, relevance is on the line. Having lost Yzerman and Shanahan, having bowed out early the last 3 years, and having endured a lockout that nation-wide knocked professional hockey's popularity down to high school basketball levels, the Red Wings right now are perched on the brink of living in a so-called Hockeytown that doesn't really care all that much about them. They know they have to win, for risk of becoming even more of a sideshow than they are now that Mr. I's other team has re-emerged.
And when it's apparent that a win is a must, there's few better players to have on your team than Dominik Hasek. He'll shut the door. No offense to Legace, but this something he couldn't do -- it's something that, really, only a few goaltenders in the history of the game can do. Compared to the past 3 seasons of failure, the Wings have, for the first time, nothing to fear in the net -- so long as Dom is healthy. He goes down, so goes the team.
They're grittier, too, which is nice; a bit less one-dimensional. What scares me is the decreased PP percentage, which isn't good against a physical team like Calgary. Considering the Wings play a primarily puck-possession game, theoretically their best shots of scoring will come from forcing the Flames into penalties and firing away on the power play. Calgary can probably out-muscle them 5-on-5. Then again, this PP-heavy approach was the Wings bread and butter the last 3 years and therfore maybe its better that they're not relying on it so much this year.
And of course there's Pavel. It's time buddy. It was time last year too, which sorta freaks me out.
Prediction: Wings in six.
* * * * *
God's gift to the Ducks: the Broad who got Chris and his Prong sent to Anaheim from Edmonton.
(2) Anaheim Ducks v. (7) Minnesota Wild
Yeah the Ducks should win. I won't go too much against the grain there. However I had Minny as my dark horse in the West before the seedings were released; their end of the season tear was just awesome.
That being said, I had the Ducks pegged as Cup finalists before the season even started, so that prediction trumps the Minny prediction on sheer precedential value alone, not to mention cold, hard reality. The Wild are good, but the goaltending is a question mark, despite the fact that 29-year old "rookie" Nicklas Backstrom may have single-handedly saved my fantasy hockey season. But he's probably not playoff material.
Despite the fact that I think the Wild will give the Ducks much more work than just about anybody else does, I'll safely pick the Ducks here, but do note that I will be trying to act like I was ballsy if the Ducks end up going down.
Prediction: Ducks in six.
* * * * *
To the Stars, the Sedins are just about as scary.
(3) Vancouver Canucks v. (6) Dallas Stars
Vancouver's gonna win. Luongo's just a straight stud and there's no reason to believe he won't continue this in the postseason. The Sedins are scary, as I already said. Naslund should, hopefully, come around.
From top to bottom, Dallas is the all-around better team -- better depth at forward, better depth at defense, adequate goaltending. But these two teams both have struggled to score, and when it comes down to that, you need to go on who has the better goalie. Luongo's excellence outshines Turco's mediocrity to an almost embarassing extent, and I don't like saying that given the fact that a.) I like Turco; and b.) Turco's a fellow Wolverine.
If Dallas can find some balanced scoring, then look out. Otherwise, I think Vancouver wins it.
Prediction: Canucks in six.
* * * * *
Wrong team, but same result. Jumbo Joe's gonna get deflated again.
(4) Nashville Predators v. (5) San Jose Sharks
It's just sickening that one of these teams is going to be eliminated in the first round -- in my opinion, they're the two of the top three in the West (the other being Anaheim). But so it goes.
I base this prediction on a few factors. First, is selfishness. I want to play the Predators in the second round (assuming, of course, the Wings make it there). I think we match up better against Nashville and I would like to stoke up some sort of rivalry. Second, is history. Nashville got cheated last year against these guys when Vokoun went down. I'd like to see fate make good on that. In reality, though, this series is just too close to call.
San Jose's physicality could just blow Nashville out of the water (how will Nashville's finessers take to being beat to hell?). San Jose's got a fearsome twosome between the pipes; I don't even remember who's their starting goalie anymore. They added Bill Guerin to Joe Thornton, Cheechoo and Marleau (yikes).
But Nashville's not the Wings -- they can hold their own physically. They've got a solid, albeit young, defensive core, which might prove to be a liability as much as a strength. They've also got two goalies having good but not great years, which could either be a luxury or an unnecessary distraction (what do you do if SJ gets out to a 2-0 lead in the serious? Go with Mason?).
This will be a good one, no doubt, assuming no blood clots get involved.
Prediction: Preds in 7.
* * * * *
EASTERN CONFERENCE
Ted Nolan says: "Well, I already know I'm Buffalo's bitch. [Sigh]. I'm just gonna hang out, here, yep... ahhh yeah. [Grunts, cracks knuckles]. You guys want to do a longest drive competition this weekend? Yeah? Cool. I'll have Rick set up the tee time. [Rolls neck, cracks his shoulders]. Oh shit, they scored again."
(1) Buffalo Sabres v. (8) NY Islanders.
Bad news for the Islanders: this is bound to be Ryan Miller's most shining performance since the time he lost his virginity in a college threesome with a teammate and a reporter from the E. Lansing News (I know this is true, my sister hung out with him at State. He used to play her DMB songs on guitar).
Really, who's going to stop the quadruple wave that is Buffalo's forwards corps? Not the Islanders, who'll initially be pinning their hopes on goalie Wade Dubielwicz (the man behind the "pokecheck heard 'round Ontario" that knocked the Leafs out of the playoffs this weekend) since Islander-for-life Rick "15 Years" DiPietro will miss the start of the series.
Smart money says: the Sabres are smoking "Dube" by the start of the second period of game 1, forcing Garth Snow to come out of his luxury box and man goal; Garth Snow handles this responsibiilty as well as he manages his team (15 YEARS FOR RICK DIPIETRO? REALLY?) resulting in a Game 1 score of 43-0.
Prediction: Sabres in 5.
* * * * *
Jamie just pissed himself. No hats this time, Vinny.
(2) NJ Devils v. (7) Bolts
Conventional wisdom says that TB has nary a chance. NJ locks it down and there's really no daylight, even though they're missing shining stud on D as they had in years past. But what can you say about Marty Brodeur that hasn't already been said? He's un-phasable.
But, like the Wings, the Devils tend to be feast or famine in the playoffs, and there are factors that would suggest that this year will see the former. TB's got some explosive offense, with Vinny Lecavelier finally breaking out. NJ's got some seriously questionable injuries; at last glance, Elias, Madden, Gomez, et. al we're not 100%. And there's also the coaching factor -- will the late-season firing of Claude Julien have a major effect?
In the end, I doubt that TB can take four games here, mainly due to a lack of depth and proven goaltending. I'd love to see it though -- I'm sick of pivotal playoff games being played in the swamp.
Prediction: Jersey Trash in 6.
* * * * *
Reason #1 why the Rags will be out early -- Sean needs to get back to LA so he can get back in his hockey-loving, Canadian babe girlfriend Elisha Cuthbert's crease!
(3) ATL v. (6) NY Rags
Atlanta over NY? Am I serious. Yes!
Let's break it down. Shanahan will float around for a few games. Avery will run his mouth and end up penalized. Jagr will get sand is his vag yet again. King Henrik, mega the mega he might be, playoff proven he is not. I don't expect him to struggle like he did last year, or earlier in this season, but I just can't give him the benefit of the doubt given the crest that's on his jersey. However, this seems to be a Rags team that has come into form lately. But it's also a Rags team that needs to win given the expectations of last year and this year (especially given the moves they've made) and, in my opinion, doesn't have the intestinal fortitude to put it together.
Atlanta's been just as hot since the deadline, with their big acquisitions having immediate and lasting impact. Lehtonen's untested, but he's a stud in the making, and I predict this will be his time to shine. How's NY's so-so defense going to handle Kovy, Hossa, and a rejuvenated Fatchuck? ATL's just happy to be here, and they'll be playing like they've got nothing to lose. Team them against a NYR team which is burdened by expectation and a dearth of players able to step it up when it counts, and I see tears on Broadway come next week.
Prediction: Thrashers in 6.
* * * * *
Hmmm... maybe next year.
(4) Ottawa Senators v. (5) Pittsburgh Penguins
Sad as it is, I think this is the year Ottawa gets it together. This is sad because I love the Penguins. I love everything they've done. I fear they're going to get ripped apart in a few years and thus I want to see them suceed now. But I just think Ottawa's going to take it.
Give it to them on experience alone: they've been there every year. They know how and why they lost. The Penguins just don't know these things.
This series will likely turn on the performance of the goaltenders, as they're two big question marks: which Sugar Ray Emery will we get, the good one, or the just plain terrible one? If it's the latter, Crosby, Malkin and Staal will have a field day. Is MAF ready for the pressure? Will he wilt under the force of Spezza, Heater, Alfie, etc.? Will we have T-Bo, who's about as old as a T-Rex (good one, I know) replacing MAF early on?
And really, who plays defense for the Penguins? Gonchar, Brooks Orpik, and... and... and...
The Penguins will learn a lot by losing this series. If they win it, I'll be overjoyed. But it's got to be time for Ottawa, and their experience has to outweigh whatever youthful enthusiasm the Penguins will bring to the table. Now, if Recchi and Roberts take the young Pens on their back, then....
Prediction: Sens in 6.