internal conflicts
i need opinions.
my grades are still mediocre, i think i'm going to end up with three A's and a C and D. but despite whether or not my parents decide to send me back to UMBC, i'm questioning it myself. i like school, but i guess i'm not really feeling it...? not right now. i certainly want to get a degree and all that, but i honestly don't think this is right for me right now. what i want is to work full time and save up some money. but (the big BUT) i don't want to live in jersey anymore. right now. and i feel bad because everyone else in my immediate family is living in jersey and trying to live closer and closer together, and i feel they (namely my brother and my father) won't understand my desire to live elsewhere for a few years at least. if i decide not to go back to school next semester, i do not want to live in jersey, because no matter where in jersey there will still be restrictions on what i want to do and when. i've tasted freedom, over the past year, and i'm not giving it up. i feel that if i live in baltimore for at least a couple years, by then my family would respect my decisions and my independence, at least far more than they would if i were to live in jersey right now. for the past couple months, i've been debating whether or not i should make plans to move to baltimore in august/september. i really, really don't want to upset anyone (mom) and i don't want to disappoint anyone (dad) but i genuinely think i should be able to choose what i do and where i go and when without having to ask permission (though still respectfully, i don't wish to seem defiant). i want to be able to make this decision with their support for what i think is best for me right now. i don't want to sever ties with my family and run away. i want to move down here and still call mom and dad a couple times a week, and not have to defend my actions or lifestyle because you know what? that's me. i shouldn't have to be what someone else wants me to be, though i know they want only the best for me.
i'm open to suggestions. i'm not entirely set on everything i've said, but i do feel this way, and i am seriously considering it.
i also need to confess something that has been bothering me. zach and i have been together since october, not january. the only reason my mother thinks we've been together since january is because i honestly completely forgot to tell her. i didn't realize until i told her zach would be visiting me over winter break and she asked "who's zach" that i hadn't told her. i feel like an ass about this.
zach is a lovely being.
i love you all.
my grades are still mediocre, i think i'm going to end up with three A's and a C and D. but despite whether or not my parents decide to send me back to UMBC, i'm questioning it myself. i like school, but i guess i'm not really feeling it...? not right now. i certainly want to get a degree and all that, but i honestly don't think this is right for me right now. what i want is to work full time and save up some money. but (the big BUT) i don't want to live in jersey anymore. right now. and i feel bad because everyone else in my immediate family is living in jersey and trying to live closer and closer together, and i feel they (namely my brother and my father) won't understand my desire to live elsewhere for a few years at least. if i decide not to go back to school next semester, i do not want to live in jersey, because no matter where in jersey there will still be restrictions on what i want to do and when. i've tasted freedom, over the past year, and i'm not giving it up. i feel that if i live in baltimore for at least a couple years, by then my family would respect my decisions and my independence, at least far more than they would if i were to live in jersey right now. for the past couple months, i've been debating whether or not i should make plans to move to baltimore in august/september. i really, really don't want to upset anyone (mom) and i don't want to disappoint anyone (dad) but i genuinely think i should be able to choose what i do and where i go and when without having to ask permission (though still respectfully, i don't wish to seem defiant). i want to be able to make this decision with their support for what i think is best for me right now. i don't want to sever ties with my family and run away. i want to move down here and still call mom and dad a couple times a week, and not have to defend my actions or lifestyle because you know what? that's me. i shouldn't have to be what someone else wants me to be, though i know they want only the best for me.
i'm open to suggestions. i'm not entirely set on everything i've said, but i do feel this way, and i am seriously considering it.
i also need to confess something that has been bothering me. zach and i have been together since october, not january. the only reason my mother thinks we've been together since january is because i honestly completely forgot to tell her. i didn't realize until i told her zach would be visiting me over winter break and she asked "who's zach" that i hadn't told her. i feel like an ass about this.
zach is a lovely being.
i love you all.