(no subject)
Oh the life of a slacker. I did not do any cello practice and I really really should've because there are bits of fingering I shall be ashamed of myself if I still can't do tomorrow morning...
Choir is good. Belshazzar is OF SO MUCH JOY, especially compared to the Steve Reich piece, which, well. Yes dear, I'm sure it's very clever. I'm sure it sounds perfectly wonderful when it's all performed properly. I'm just not sure it will be, that's all.
Ian Richardson is dead. Just. *sigh*
So a happy linky: Neil Gaiman's blog's sixth birthday toy.
But yes. Weightwatchy thoughts. Long. Boring. Not entirely happy, and possibly slightly TMI about my eating habits and the state of my braaaaaiin.
I've swapped plans, finally, from the point-counting to the one where there's a list of foods you're allowed to eat in whatever amounts for your three meals a day and apart from that it is fruit and veg.
I swapped because I've gained about half a stone over the last six weeks. Let me say now - it is my own fault, utterly and totally. It's not the plan that was at fault, it is my brain. Changing plans is not about what I'm eating, it's about forcing me to think about what I'm eating. One of the things I originally loved about WW was that there weren't food lists, but I need that strictness right now to make sure I don't go totally off the rails. Any more.
It's really quite unsettling, when I actually think about it. How I could go to the meetings and blithely listen to the talkings and talk to the leader about how it's going and be LYING, lying through my sugar-encrusted teeth. 'I haven't been that bad!' I would cry, on seeing a 4lb gain for the second time in three weeks. But it is LYING.
I genuinely need a bit of an intervention, but nobody has noticed how stupid I've been being except me, and even I have this tendency to block things out of my memory. So this is me trying to intervene in my own brain...
Like, the occasional tea or coffee with sugar in, that's OK if you point it. But three or four, with some number of spoonfuls of sugar which I didn't bother counting, none of which I bothered writing down? That's NOT OK.
Bread and butter is fine if you point it, even with real butter. But not bothering to watch how much butter you use, purposely cutting thicker slices than usual and then not bothering to write it down? That is NOT FINE.
A biscuit every now and then, even a chocolate biscuit, even every day, is perfectly all right. But six or seven biscuits, some of which have been dipped in lemon curd, and not even attempting to work out the points let alone write it down? NOT ALL RIGHT.
Cashew nuts: OK, and actually not bad health-wise, though very pointy in groups of more than about 5. Filling my pockets with cashew nuts and not writing it down? REALLY NOT OK.
Do we see a pattern? These are all things that I've done in the last two weeks, some on the same day, probably all of them on at least one day. The scary thing is that I've been doing them and then forgetting about it. Not just not pointing for them at the time, but managing to forget them when it comes to weighing in.
Of course, when I thought about it they were always right there, but that way lies guilt, and dammit, I have got used to guilt-free dieting and so have not really wanted to face up to the fact that maybe some of my eating behaviour recently (gathering pace over the last six months, maybe more) has been less than angelic.
I have lost my sense of moderation, and more than that, I have lost the little voice that I found at the beginning of all this (a year and a half ago, roughtly) that told me NOT TO BE FUCKING STUPID when I thought about biscuits. Y'know, I miss that voice. I really do. Perhaps I need to re-fictionalise her, make her more of a seperate thing, because she was so useful. She wasn't sappy. She wasn't encouraging. She just told me when I was BEING FUCKING STUPID. To be embarassingly honest, she was sort of Thin Me... she had the ballsiness and atheleticism and dress sense that I always imagined I'd get When I Was Thin (because obviously being thin is a magical state which also cures you of apathy, shyness, laziness and poverty). She also had big goth boots for stomping, and a megaphone.
OK, back to the reality of this for a second. Admittedly, some of all this is down to not having as much control over what's in the house as I used to. There are biscuits and cashew nuts and so on in my house and while I know I ought to be able to turn them down at all times, it's so much easier if you only have to think about biscuits when you're shopping, partly because then it becomes about money too and you have a double incentive to not buy them. And just, I'm not planning my life very effectively at the moment. I'm flitting between Muswell Hill and Woodford and not doing enough work or cello practice or exercise to justify the sleeping in and playing computer games.
... which boils down to, I should get off my arse, get a proper job and my own place so I do have control over these things. Consider yourselves warned, future housemates, I may be a bit of a control freak. At least, I hope so. That is another thing I feel I've lost, sort of - I used to be obsessive about food, and while it was a bit weird it definitely led to tighter pointing (well, come on, we are being honest, pointing at all) and speedy loss of teh weight.
The Core plan - that's what it's called - is not appallingly awful. I'm finding some of it quite difficult - what the hell do you do when you're stuck at orchestra all day and the only food on offer is non-list food? I don't think there's a shop nearby and I'll have my cello with me so I don't want to go wandering off in search of one. I've got 21 points for the whole week to spend on other things, and I have never done this before so I've got no idea whether I've got enough for milk for my tea as well as the sandwiches...
I think that is the entire rant, for the moment. Intervention over, for now.
And finally, I played with Windows Vista this evening. Our home computers are getting upgraded (well Dad's and mine anyway), just because Dad's arranging it for all his clients and figured we might as well. To be honest, I can see even from ten minutes fiddling with the desktop that a) it's going to take a bit of getting used to, possibly with some swearing and b) they've stolen so many of their changes from Apple, in spirit if not in actuality, it's not even funny. However it is all very shiny and ergonomic-looking and you can have an analogue clock face on the side of your desktop and I am a magpie and I like shiny things. So I quite look forward to spending a few hours fiddling about and learning new computing habits...
Choir is good. Belshazzar is OF SO MUCH JOY, especially compared to the Steve Reich piece, which, well. Yes dear, I'm sure it's very clever. I'm sure it sounds perfectly wonderful when it's all performed properly. I'm just not sure it will be, that's all.
Ian Richardson is dead. Just. *sigh*
So a happy linky: Neil Gaiman's blog's sixth birthday toy.
But yes. Weightwatchy thoughts. Long. Boring. Not entirely happy, and possibly slightly TMI about my eating habits and the state of my braaaaaiin.
I've swapped plans, finally, from the point-counting to the one where there's a list of foods you're allowed to eat in whatever amounts for your three meals a day and apart from that it is fruit and veg.
I swapped because I've gained about half a stone over the last six weeks. Let me say now - it is my own fault, utterly and totally. It's not the plan that was at fault, it is my brain. Changing plans is not about what I'm eating, it's about forcing me to think about what I'm eating. One of the things I originally loved about WW was that there weren't food lists, but I need that strictness right now to make sure I don't go totally off the rails. Any more.
It's really quite unsettling, when I actually think about it. How I could go to the meetings and blithely listen to the talkings and talk to the leader about how it's going and be LYING, lying through my sugar-encrusted teeth. 'I haven't been that bad!' I would cry, on seeing a 4lb gain for the second time in three weeks. But it is LYING.
I genuinely need a bit of an intervention, but nobody has noticed how stupid I've been being except me, and even I have this tendency to block things out of my memory. So this is me trying to intervene in my own brain...
Like, the occasional tea or coffee with sugar in, that's OK if you point it. But three or four, with some number of spoonfuls of sugar which I didn't bother counting, none of which I bothered writing down? That's NOT OK.
Bread and butter is fine if you point it, even with real butter. But not bothering to watch how much butter you use, purposely cutting thicker slices than usual and then not bothering to write it down? That is NOT FINE.
A biscuit every now and then, even a chocolate biscuit, even every day, is perfectly all right. But six or seven biscuits, some of which have been dipped in lemon curd, and not even attempting to work out the points let alone write it down? NOT ALL RIGHT.
Cashew nuts: OK, and actually not bad health-wise, though very pointy in groups of more than about 5. Filling my pockets with cashew nuts and not writing it down? REALLY NOT OK.
Do we see a pattern? These are all things that I've done in the last two weeks, some on the same day, probably all of them on at least one day. The scary thing is that I've been doing them and then forgetting about it. Not just not pointing for them at the time, but managing to forget them when it comes to weighing in.
Of course, when I thought about it they were always right there, but that way lies guilt, and dammit, I have got used to guilt-free dieting and so have not really wanted to face up to the fact that maybe some of my eating behaviour recently (gathering pace over the last six months, maybe more) has been less than angelic.
I have lost my sense of moderation, and more than that, I have lost the little voice that I found at the beginning of all this (a year and a half ago, roughtly) that told me NOT TO BE FUCKING STUPID when I thought about biscuits. Y'know, I miss that voice. I really do. Perhaps I need to re-fictionalise her, make her more of a seperate thing, because she was so useful. She wasn't sappy. She wasn't encouraging. She just told me when I was BEING FUCKING STUPID. To be embarassingly honest, she was sort of Thin Me... she had the ballsiness and atheleticism and dress sense that I always imagined I'd get When I Was Thin (because obviously being thin is a magical state which also cures you of apathy, shyness, laziness and poverty). She also had big goth boots for stomping, and a megaphone.
OK, back to the reality of this for a second. Admittedly, some of all this is down to not having as much control over what's in the house as I used to. There are biscuits and cashew nuts and so on in my house and while I know I ought to be able to turn them down at all times, it's so much easier if you only have to think about biscuits when you're shopping, partly because then it becomes about money too and you have a double incentive to not buy them. And just, I'm not planning my life very effectively at the moment. I'm flitting between Muswell Hill and Woodford and not doing enough work or cello practice or exercise to justify the sleeping in and playing computer games.
... which boils down to, I should get off my arse, get a proper job and my own place so I do have control over these things. Consider yourselves warned, future housemates, I may be a bit of a control freak. At least, I hope so. That is another thing I feel I've lost, sort of - I used to be obsessive about food, and while it was a bit weird it definitely led to tighter pointing (well, come on, we are being honest, pointing at all) and speedy loss of teh weight.
The Core plan - that's what it's called - is not appallingly awful. I'm finding some of it quite difficult - what the hell do you do when you're stuck at orchestra all day and the only food on offer is non-list food? I don't think there's a shop nearby and I'll have my cello with me so I don't want to go wandering off in search of one. I've got 21 points for the whole week to spend on other things, and I have never done this before so I've got no idea whether I've got enough for milk for my tea as well as the sandwiches...
I think that is the entire rant, for the moment. Intervention over, for now.
And finally, I played with Windows Vista this evening. Our home computers are getting upgraded (well Dad's and mine anyway), just because Dad's arranging it for all his clients and figured we might as well. To be honest, I can see even from ten minutes fiddling with the desktop that a) it's going to take a bit of getting used to, possibly with some swearing and b) they've stolen so many of their changes from Apple, in spirit if not in actuality, it's not even funny. However it is all very shiny and ergonomic-looking and you can have an analogue clock face on the side of your desktop and I am a magpie and I like shiny things. So I quite look forward to spending a few hours fiddling about and learning new computing habits...