"motherly"?
some days i analyze myself to the point where i start to forget that i am me. i start to feel like a floating consciousness that just is. today was one of those days.
i analyzed my body, because i went shopping. i have somehow become skinnier, but i still weigh the same. which i hate.
then i analyzed my personality/ ability to find a guy.
many people see me as "motherly". i tend to differ in opinion, because i think that motherhood is not only terrifying, but also somewhat gross. but apparently, even without the whole being a mother thing, i am still "motherly". sometime i think that "motherly" is just another word for nice, but not fuckable. as in, i like them to be nice to me, but i have no sexual feelings towards that person what so ever. and i also hate that i feel like that word also has connotations of being fat. it all leads up to me being fat, and nice, but not anyone who would have sex ever. but if i don't have sex.... how would i ever become a mother. thus the reason that i hate being called "motherly"
my heart is broken. i am sure now. when i think about being single, i have an actual pain that radiates from my chest into my neck, and i can feel it in my jaw. and it isn't related to anything else. it only happens when i feel particularly lonely, and i think about boys.
i know this is all i talk about, but the broken heart feelings are happening even more, because i feel like more and more people are telling me, or leading me to believe that i will never find someone.
i have tried to come to terms with that, but i just can't. i would rather die than live alone forever. i blame disney and romantic comedies for this. they lead me to believe that my prince will come. but i think he might never show up. and i am worried.
i will try to do my best at being single, but it is getting harder with each passing day. it's almost like walking through knee-deep plaster that is setting up as i walk through.
i analyzed my body, because i went shopping. i have somehow become skinnier, but i still weigh the same. which i hate.
then i analyzed my personality/ ability to find a guy.
many people see me as "motherly". i tend to differ in opinion, because i think that motherhood is not only terrifying, but also somewhat gross. but apparently, even without the whole being a mother thing, i am still "motherly". sometime i think that "motherly" is just another word for nice, but not fuckable. as in, i like them to be nice to me, but i have no sexual feelings towards that person what so ever. and i also hate that i feel like that word also has connotations of being fat. it all leads up to me being fat, and nice, but not anyone who would have sex ever. but if i don't have sex.... how would i ever become a mother. thus the reason that i hate being called "motherly"
my heart is broken. i am sure now. when i think about being single, i have an actual pain that radiates from my chest into my neck, and i can feel it in my jaw. and it isn't related to anything else. it only happens when i feel particularly lonely, and i think about boys.
i know this is all i talk about, but the broken heart feelings are happening even more, because i feel like more and more people are telling me, or leading me to believe that i will never find someone.
i have tried to come to terms with that, but i just can't. i would rather die than live alone forever. i blame disney and romantic comedies for this. they lead me to believe that my prince will come. but i think he might never show up. and i am worried.
i will try to do my best at being single, but it is getting harder with each passing day. it's almost like walking through knee-deep plaster that is setting up as i walk through.