'a work in progress'

[opioid_insect]

I need to go away or

failing that, require quiet.
no familiar music for now,

no material familiarities
no empty drug wraps strewn about my desk,
no sketch pens I've been doing nothing with as of late,
no constant mess with which to bury myself and to hide within
nothing that defines me in this stage of life.

because this mentalstate has been continuous for a long time,
and this stage of life has been drawing thin
and I don't know how much longer I can continue

jumping and
falling face first and
getting up and
jumping and
falling face first
without reason beyond that it smarts.

I'm always covered in cuts and bruises,
always bleeding and it's pleasing
momentarily.

Like I'm turning myself into swiss cheese so that the
physical things I do will open gaping holes in me
and everything on my mind will seep out automatically
so I won't have to explore it with my mind, only my body.

And right now it _must_ come out
somehow
and right now it doesn't matter if I heal
after the fact
after the swiss-cheese-gaping-hole-self-seepage

it just needs out and that's that.