(no subject)
Funny I never think to post when I'm in a good mood. I'm still frustrated with everything. I need to be doing more research, but that's slowly getting taken care of.
Callin a soon to be grad student from oklahoma was in town so I drank with him and Robert saturday. Last thursday I got drunk and partially naked at the chemistry fraternity party. Nice that i'm finally at home with those kids enough to flash my boobies.. Funny that my willingness to expose my boobies is a litmus test for my comfort in a group.. The best part of that evening was the look on the face of some seemingly disgruntled straight men as they saw my friend robert shake his face in between my boobs and go BRRRR!!... I don't think anyone has ever done that to me before, though i don't think it would have been nearly as fun or entertaining if he was straight.
So I've claimed my nickname as party girl.
I'm starting to resign myself to the idea that I'll never be a "top" professor anywhere. I just don't have the drive for it. Robert calls us hacks, but for him that means a less capable person that just works their ass off.. In my case I think I'm really capable just low on motivation and high on laziness. I still give myself credit for getting this far without worshiping the chemistry gods. Don't get me wrong though.. I love it.. I just don't come home and want to read papers and spend all day in the lab when I've got 40 hours of work from courses and teaching. I do wish that my advisor and my graduate student mentor didn't seem to think so lowly of me because of my course work failures... but i guess i've yet to give them a reason to think highly of me.
My boy is coming into town next wednesday. I hope I make it that long. I miss him so much. I'm really happy he's going to be coming out here, but i feel like i'm going to burst. next wednesday isn't soon enough.. i have that feeling [warning bad analogy approaching] like you've got to pee sooooo bad and you just don't know if you're going to handle sitting in the car 5 more minutes without pissing yourself or exploding in pain. This analogy is curtosy of my saturday night drinking fest. This occured on the way back from the bar, only it was about 20 minutes of agony, not 5. Apparently i looked sadder than robert had ever seen me when i got out of the car. Well that same feeling radiates through me when i think about Him.. I know i'm going to see him soon, so soon, and i need to just hold on a little while longer, but it's so hard.. i feel like i'm going to fall to pieces. Talking to him is great now that he's realizing it's iimportance for me. Our jokes with each other get better everyday and I feel like we're always understanding each other more. I still have a strong desire to hold off sleeping with him when he gets back out here. That's some of the best time we have together.. [you know the extreme sexual frustration stage of the relationship, only i get to repeat it for a day every few months] unfortuanately/fortuanately? I don't think that's going to happen.. i'm way too attracted to him, and i'm sure it's mutual. but hey i've gone this long right? what's it been a couple months? feels like it's been years..... the longer i go without, though the easier it is to continue. at one point i was thinking "i should really not have sex with him again until i know there's something like a relationship between us".. that thought hasn't really bothered me before especially with him. whenever we're together, and often when we're not, i feel like we're together and belong with each other. this "feeling" hasn't done much for me though. even for our brief period while he was in FL and we were together he barely was capable of letting me know until it just before it ended. I want the security. He criticizes the ability of words to give real security or express feelings, but fuck me for being somewhat traditional with relationship mechanics.
ahh ok that's out of me.. I really don't understand how I get stuff done thinking about him so much. but I guess that's how I often am with boys. I know i like it that way, i just need to fire my ass up about my work as much. I have some more grading to get done for tomorrow. people should let me know if i'm too silly.
Callin a soon to be grad student from oklahoma was in town so I drank with him and Robert saturday. Last thursday I got drunk and partially naked at the chemistry fraternity party. Nice that i'm finally at home with those kids enough to flash my boobies.. Funny that my willingness to expose my boobies is a litmus test for my comfort in a group.. The best part of that evening was the look on the face of some seemingly disgruntled straight men as they saw my friend robert shake his face in between my boobs and go BRRRR!!... I don't think anyone has ever done that to me before, though i don't think it would have been nearly as fun or entertaining if he was straight.
So I've claimed my nickname as party girl.
I'm starting to resign myself to the idea that I'll never be a "top" professor anywhere. I just don't have the drive for it. Robert calls us hacks, but for him that means a less capable person that just works their ass off.. In my case I think I'm really capable just low on motivation and high on laziness. I still give myself credit for getting this far without worshiping the chemistry gods. Don't get me wrong though.. I love it.. I just don't come home and want to read papers and spend all day in the lab when I've got 40 hours of work from courses and teaching. I do wish that my advisor and my graduate student mentor didn't seem to think so lowly of me because of my course work failures... but i guess i've yet to give them a reason to think highly of me.
My boy is coming into town next wednesday. I hope I make it that long. I miss him so much. I'm really happy he's going to be coming out here, but i feel like i'm going to burst. next wednesday isn't soon enough.. i have that feeling [warning bad analogy approaching] like you've got to pee sooooo bad and you just don't know if you're going to handle sitting in the car 5 more minutes without pissing yourself or exploding in pain. This analogy is curtosy of my saturday night drinking fest. This occured on the way back from the bar, only it was about 20 minutes of agony, not 5. Apparently i looked sadder than robert had ever seen me when i got out of the car. Well that same feeling radiates through me when i think about Him.. I know i'm going to see him soon, so soon, and i need to just hold on a little while longer, but it's so hard.. i feel like i'm going to fall to pieces. Talking to him is great now that he's realizing it's iimportance for me. Our jokes with each other get better everyday and I feel like we're always understanding each other more. I still have a strong desire to hold off sleeping with him when he gets back out here. That's some of the best time we have together.. [you know the extreme sexual frustration stage of the relationship, only i get to repeat it for a day every few months] unfortuanately/fortuanately? I don't think that's going to happen.. i'm way too attracted to him, and i'm sure it's mutual. but hey i've gone this long right? what's it been a couple months? feels like it's been years..... the longer i go without, though the easier it is to continue. at one point i was thinking "i should really not have sex with him again until i know there's something like a relationship between us".. that thought hasn't really bothered me before especially with him. whenever we're together, and often when we're not, i feel like we're together and belong with each other. this "feeling" hasn't done much for me though. even for our brief period while he was in FL and we were together he barely was capable of letting me know until it just before it ended. I want the security. He criticizes the ability of words to give real security or express feelings, but fuck me for being somewhat traditional with relationship mechanics.
ahh ok that's out of me.. I really don't understand how I get stuff done thinking about him so much. but I guess that's how I often am with boys. I know i like it that way, i just need to fire my ass up about my work as much. I have some more grading to get done for tomorrow. people should let me know if i'm too silly.