God I really hate myself sometimes
The stage really really fucks with people I swear.
So we are officially two days away from the showing of "Words," the poetic play in Manhattan--we are filming on Monday with a sizeable audience of about twenty people because we actually OVERSOLD! It has been such a crazy, wonderful expirience but of course because it's me we're talking about nothing can ever be simple. How is it possible that at a time when I should be at my happiest I am breaking my heart and my brain?
One of my costars in the show is a guy I've known for over a year, and we've gotten really really thick together. He's handsome, a too-brilliant-for-words writer and just a fascinating guy. I think of him very much as a brother. This guy is a very gaurded person who I think has a lot of secrets, but puts on a very elaborate, layered front for people that can hardly be understood. A lot like me. And I think we gravitated towards each other for that reason. Instantly we sensed each other's masks and the strength we took only from ourselves. He once told me "You're the only person I know who has any true strength." A few weeks back he actually said, "I hate everyone, but I love you."
Now, because I am very sheltered and because of my disability I often feel very very strongly and get somewhat overly attatched to people when they make it clear they care for me--especially men. And so much has happened with this guy and is continuing to happen that my mind is going heywire. He has transferred out of my school and after this show I don't know when I'll see him again. The thought of this is becoming more and more disturbing to me and I don't know why. I can't stop dreaming about him, thinking of him. In the play our director has cast he and my other friend as lovers. There is an awful lot of them holding each other, grabbing each other and every time I see it I just wish it was me. But why? I am not in love with him. I set him up with my closest friend, I got them back together during a horrid, horrid breakup they had before he left school. Last weekend I let them stay at my house because they wanted to be with each other after not seeing each other for months. Oh to be a third wheel! Watching them lay in each other's arms on the floor. They are perfect for each other and I love them both like wild. Why did I hate them for being happy? Why when he said "I want to spend the rest of my life with you" did I feel my whole point of view being disrupted? It was so much easier to believe true love didnt exist. Do I want him or just anyone to love me the way he does her? Was it the weekend, or the stage that's fucking with me? Maybe it's just all the time I'm spending with him. I would never, never come between them.
I don't want him to forget me when he leaves. I've never felt like I was important to anyone as amazing as I think he is. I want to continue being there for him even after he can't see me, and to know that I can still count on him. He makes me feel safe, wanted. I don't want to lose that. And I just want him to hold me in his arms for half a minute before he goes. I don't know how to ask for any of those things.