(Spit) Shine
Let me tell you a little story about a big dummy...
A few weekends ago I decided I could not stand my filthy car anymore. I drove to one of those self-wash car washes where you can just drive into a little carport, put $2 worth of quarters into a machine that provides a hose and a brush and you have 3 minutes to wash your entire vehicle. I elected against a drive thru car wash because I am tired of having the ex-cons at the drive thru car wash scratch my car.
The inside of my car was dirty as well from people, namely Brian, dragging leaves into the car with their shoes and Ava had apparently smashed a cookie onto one of the walls in the back seat, so I had to vacuum too. I drove up to one of the vacuums and opened my car doors and took my mats out to prepare because I know once I drop the last quarter in I have three seconds to vacuum my entire vehicle. The vacuum starts up and I start vacuuming the back seat and floor, then I move to the driver side seat and floor. Then, instead of walking around the car to vacuum the passanger side, I panic knowing I have little time left with the vacuum and decide that I will try to climb thru the front seat of my sporty (thus tiny) car and finish my vacuuming. I made it to the center console before my foot got tangled in the hose. I fell through the passanger seat and out onto pavement below.
That's right, you read correctly, I fell out of my car at the car wash.
I picked myself up and dusted off. No one seemed to notice or they at least had the decency to pretend they did not notice. I ended up having to put another dollar worth of quarters into the vacuum because I wasted precious vacuuming time wriggling around on the ground with the hose caught around my foot. I finished the passanger seat incident-free and got ready to move forward to wash my car.
I drive into the car port with $3.00 in quarters and a shred of dignity left. I take $2.00 worth of quarters knowing that that is how much the machine costs to operate. Now, once the machine starts to run out of time you have the option of putting another $1.00 in quarters into the machine if you aren't finished. The other option if you are not finished is you can let the time run out and then put another $2.00 in to start the machine back up again. I think we see where the bargain is. So, for some stupid reason, I left the other $1.00 in quarters in my car.
I am being quite literal when I say you have about 3 minutes to wash your car after you drop the last quarter. So I put my money in and turn some knobs and start washing my car. I got as far as finishing scrubbing and the machine beeped to let me know I had 30 seconds left to either finish or put more quarters in. I still needed to do my tires so I dropped the brush and tired to open my car door to fish out the remaining $1.00. It was locked. I reached for my belt loop where my keys SHOULD HAVE been hanging and I grabbed nothing but ass. Through my soapy window I could see my keys, laying on top of my purse that carried my cell phone and all of my money on the front seat of the car.
Now, I have locked myself out of my car before but what the fuck?! I ended up having to walk to a jam-packed grocery store across the street and called the police from the service desk to have them come open my car door. After a very nice and very amused police woman opened my car I had to put $2.00 more in quarters in the machine. I finished washing my car, very wounded, both physically and mentally.
So that is the way I wash my car. Stupid, right? If you ever walk by me on the street feel free to point and laugh. I deserve it.
Back to the car wash to let the ex-cons do a number on my paint job. At least they make me feel smart.
A few weekends ago I decided I could not stand my filthy car anymore. I drove to one of those self-wash car washes where you can just drive into a little carport, put $2 worth of quarters into a machine that provides a hose and a brush and you have 3 minutes to wash your entire vehicle. I elected against a drive thru car wash because I am tired of having the ex-cons at the drive thru car wash scratch my car.
The inside of my car was dirty as well from people, namely Brian, dragging leaves into the car with their shoes and Ava had apparently smashed a cookie onto one of the walls in the back seat, so I had to vacuum too. I drove up to one of the vacuums and opened my car doors and took my mats out to prepare because I know once I drop the last quarter in I have three seconds to vacuum my entire vehicle. The vacuum starts up and I start vacuuming the back seat and floor, then I move to the driver side seat and floor. Then, instead of walking around the car to vacuum the passanger side, I panic knowing I have little time left with the vacuum and decide that I will try to climb thru the front seat of my sporty (thus tiny) car and finish my vacuuming. I made it to the center console before my foot got tangled in the hose. I fell through the passanger seat and out onto pavement below.
That's right, you read correctly, I fell out of my car at the car wash.
I picked myself up and dusted off. No one seemed to notice or they at least had the decency to pretend they did not notice. I ended up having to put another dollar worth of quarters into the vacuum because I wasted precious vacuuming time wriggling around on the ground with the hose caught around my foot. I finished the passanger seat incident-free and got ready to move forward to wash my car.
I drive into the car port with $3.00 in quarters and a shred of dignity left. I take $2.00 worth of quarters knowing that that is how much the machine costs to operate. Now, once the machine starts to run out of time you have the option of putting another $1.00 in quarters into the machine if you aren't finished. The other option if you are not finished is you can let the time run out and then put another $2.00 in to start the machine back up again. I think we see where the bargain is. So, for some stupid reason, I left the other $1.00 in quarters in my car.
I am being quite literal when I say you have about 3 minutes to wash your car after you drop the last quarter. So I put my money in and turn some knobs and start washing my car. I got as far as finishing scrubbing and the machine beeped to let me know I had 30 seconds left to either finish or put more quarters in. I still needed to do my tires so I dropped the brush and tired to open my car door to fish out the remaining $1.00. It was locked. I reached for my belt loop where my keys SHOULD HAVE been hanging and I grabbed nothing but ass. Through my soapy window I could see my keys, laying on top of my purse that carried my cell phone and all of my money on the front seat of the car.
Now, I have locked myself out of my car before but what the fuck?! I ended up having to walk to a jam-packed grocery store across the street and called the police from the service desk to have them come open my car door. After a very nice and very amused police woman opened my car I had to put $2.00 more in quarters in the machine. I finished washing my car, very wounded, both physically and mentally.
So that is the way I wash my car. Stupid, right? If you ever walk by me on the street feel free to point and laugh. I deserve it.
Back to the car wash to let the ex-cons do a number on my paint job. At least they make me feel smart.