This is the last time I will fall into a place that fails us all the time...
Still no new Dishwalla cd in my CPO. Is life worth living at this point?
So things are fucked up... again. I knew that it wasn't possible for me to be happy. Why the hell should I be, right?
Will proposed to me. Of all things I never want or ever will want, he asks me for the ONE thing I just can't give HIM or ANYONE. He looked so in love and happy when he asked me, and so I did what I knew to do. I said yes. An hour later he's discussing dates and building a house in WV. At that point, I had to tell him no. I can't do that. I'm not ready for that, from him or anyone. So now he's acting weird around me. I guess I should give it a few days. Maybe things will work themselves out, and then maybe that was the breaking factor in the relationship. On the flip side, should I say yes, I wouldn't ever have to go home, and I could get away from everyone and not have to worry about not having friends anymore. Sure, I'd miss my family like hell, but you know, maybe I'd have peace and quiet. He's all I need anyway, right? And when he comes home with me next week, I'm sure I'll hide behind him the entire time anyway.
"I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold..."
I thought about killing myself again this morning for the first time in a week or two.
"Fighting all the demons will take time... it will take time..."
I wanted to get out of bed this morning...
"Take a breath, make it deep, cuz it might be the last one you get..."
And climb up the tower next to woods penn....
"It could make us cold..."
And I wanted to climb onto the ledge
"This is the last time, that I'm ever gonna come here tonight..."
And I was going to turn my back to the world...
"and I can see the pain in you..."
Stretch out my arms....
"I can see the love in you..."
And I wanted to let go. To fall.
"Are we ever gonna learn to fly?"
I want it to be over so bad. That was my fantasy. I know I should go talk to that chick at health services again. I KNOW I should if I feel like this. But I can't. I don't even know if I'm going to go home. I have just enough money on me to grab a bus ticket... to wherever. I need to get away from everyone and everything I know. Running wouldn't help, but I'm convinced that at this point it wouldn't hurt either.
I ran last night. I had this Women's Studies function to go to for class. I got there, and I had a panic attack. I knew no one, and there were way too many people around. I started to cry, handed in my paper and a lame excuse to my professor, and I bolted. I can't keep doing shit like that.
I had a dream last night that absolutely killed me, yet it was so simple. I dreamt that I was at home, laying on the couch watching something stupid on television, and I was holding someone. Someone I haven't held in forever. Holding her felt so damned good, and I haven't felt that much at peace in forever. We weren't kissing or holding hands, or even talking. We were just holding. I woke up in tears because I knew for the rest of my life, I'd never feel like that again. Hell, I'm crying now. I don't even think she wants me in her life at all now. I would give anything to just be able to hold her and have her hold me again... I don't care if it's romantic or not at this point. But I know it won't happen. Ever again. I think I'm not ready to go on yet. I thought I was so ready... I felt ready. Now I feel so alone.
I'm going home to my family.
I don't feel like I have anything else at this point. Life isn't worth it. I thought I was fine.. maybe I'm not after all.
"waiting for the plane to crash, waiting, how long can you stand?"
I feel like my life is in limbo. Maybe I won't go home. I have no one. I have nothing. Just this pain. What has become of me?
So things are fucked up... again. I knew that it wasn't possible for me to be happy. Why the hell should I be, right?
Will proposed to me. Of all things I never want or ever will want, he asks me for the ONE thing I just can't give HIM or ANYONE. He looked so in love and happy when he asked me, and so I did what I knew to do. I said yes. An hour later he's discussing dates and building a house in WV. At that point, I had to tell him no. I can't do that. I'm not ready for that, from him or anyone. So now he's acting weird around me. I guess I should give it a few days. Maybe things will work themselves out, and then maybe that was the breaking factor in the relationship. On the flip side, should I say yes, I wouldn't ever have to go home, and I could get away from everyone and not have to worry about not having friends anymore. Sure, I'd miss my family like hell, but you know, maybe I'd have peace and quiet. He's all I need anyway, right? And when he comes home with me next week, I'm sure I'll hide behind him the entire time anyway.
"I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold..."
I thought about killing myself again this morning for the first time in a week or two.
"Fighting all the demons will take time... it will take time..."
I wanted to get out of bed this morning...
"Take a breath, make it deep, cuz it might be the last one you get..."
And climb up the tower next to woods penn....
"It could make us cold..."
And I wanted to climb onto the ledge
"This is the last time, that I'm ever gonna come here tonight..."
And I was going to turn my back to the world...
"and I can see the pain in you..."
Stretch out my arms....
"I can see the love in you..."
And I wanted to let go. To fall.
"Are we ever gonna learn to fly?"
I want it to be over so bad. That was my fantasy. I know I should go talk to that chick at health services again. I KNOW I should if I feel like this. But I can't. I don't even know if I'm going to go home. I have just enough money on me to grab a bus ticket... to wherever. I need to get away from everyone and everything I know. Running wouldn't help, but I'm convinced that at this point it wouldn't hurt either.
I ran last night. I had this Women's Studies function to go to for class. I got there, and I had a panic attack. I knew no one, and there were way too many people around. I started to cry, handed in my paper and a lame excuse to my professor, and I bolted. I can't keep doing shit like that.
I had a dream last night that absolutely killed me, yet it was so simple. I dreamt that I was at home, laying on the couch watching something stupid on television, and I was holding someone. Someone I haven't held in forever. Holding her felt so damned good, and I haven't felt that much at peace in forever. We weren't kissing or holding hands, or even talking. We were just holding. I woke up in tears because I knew for the rest of my life, I'd never feel like that again. Hell, I'm crying now. I don't even think she wants me in her life at all now. I would give anything to just be able to hold her and have her hold me again... I don't care if it's romantic or not at this point. But I know it won't happen. Ever again. I think I'm not ready to go on yet. I thought I was so ready... I felt ready. Now I feel so alone.
I'm going home to my family.
I don't feel like I have anything else at this point. Life isn't worth it. I thought I was fine.. maybe I'm not after all.
"waiting for the plane to crash, waiting, how long can you stand?"
I feel like my life is in limbo. Maybe I won't go home. I have no one. I have nothing. Just this pain. What has become of me?