Genius
CO-dependency in parenting…. what it leads to.
…….That causes a child to be only partially individuated.
In some ways they will grow and become mature and in other ways they are still going to be very child-like and very needy.
If the person has been brought up in this fashion when they turn 18 they have a hole in their soul. They feel like half of a person and what they want is to find their one true soul mate in order to attain the other half.
The difficulty of course is that if each individual is only a half of a person and they are trying to get a half from this other half of a person, then each person is going to become diminished which leaves each person with only a quarter!
What is amazing about this kinds of relationships is that they are viewed as completely normal.
What each person is looking for of course is their one true soul mate. And our culture says "that's right everyone is destined to find their soulmate" In reality there are many people who we can have very loving and very happy relationships with. There are no just 1 soul mates only great partners. We are whole and not halves.
The belief is that once that partner is found everything is going to be perfect. The goal is then to merge gloriously and become one. That is not love. it is self love, it is possessive love, immature love, only romantic love and that;s what our culture normalizes.
"You are my everything and I'll die without you, in fact you are my better half" We don't even get to be our own better half cos the other person somehow is better than what we are. That is absolutely crazy and self defeating and this is why our divorce rate is up to 50%.
When two people who have not not fully individuated come together they experience for the first time in their lives the feeling of being whole.
What the man is asking for is a full independent woman of a new millennium to be strong and a partner but at the same time when he feels sick for mummy to rub his forehead. What the woman wants is a strong independent male to share her life with but she 'd also like to be taken care of as well.
The difficulty occurs when these contradictory roles begin to blur and it comes down to deciphering when one is asking for a full independent loving partner and when they are asking to really be parented in an attempt to get the old childhood needs to be finally met at least partially the couple begins to metaphorically engage in incest. And eventually they feel it on a very ?__? level.
It is not something that people really know conciously but they often call each other mommy and daddy.
The solution: They are willing to go in their childhood, grief through the past pain, plug the holes that were there and nurture themselves which s the only way it can be done. It is impossible to get an adult parent to nurture them sufficiently to fill those infantile holes. If a person didn't receive it in childhood, only they can give it to themselves.
Often they come too therapy as a couple.
What they want a therapist to do is to find the one person who is at fault, confront them, fix them and then everything will be wonderful.
But therapist job is to try to convince these people that the real problem is not about the other person, it is about their own lack of individuation.
And If they just allow themselves to go back into their own past history and fix their 1 to 5 main core issues they will feel stronger and be ready for a healthy relationship.
Jef Gazley
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJgmsHIS6qE
…….That causes a child to be only partially individuated.
In some ways they will grow and become mature and in other ways they are still going to be very child-like and very needy.
If the person has been brought up in this fashion when they turn 18 they have a hole in their soul. They feel like half of a person and what they want is to find their one true soul mate in order to attain the other half.
The difficulty of course is that if each individual is only a half of a person and they are trying to get a half from this other half of a person, then each person is going to become diminished which leaves each person with only a quarter!
What is amazing about this kinds of relationships is that they are viewed as completely normal.
What each person is looking for of course is their one true soul mate. And our culture says "that's right everyone is destined to find their soulmate" In reality there are many people who we can have very loving and very happy relationships with. There are no just 1 soul mates only great partners. We are whole and not halves.
The belief is that once that partner is found everything is going to be perfect. The goal is then to merge gloriously and become one. That is not love. it is self love, it is possessive love, immature love, only romantic love and that;s what our culture normalizes.
"You are my everything and I'll die without you, in fact you are my better half" We don't even get to be our own better half cos the other person somehow is better than what we are. That is absolutely crazy and self defeating and this is why our divorce rate is up to 50%.
When two people who have not not fully individuated come together they experience for the first time in their lives the feeling of being whole.
What the man is asking for is a full independent woman of a new millennium to be strong and a partner but at the same time when he feels sick for mummy to rub his forehead. What the woman wants is a strong independent male to share her life with but she 'd also like to be taken care of as well.
The difficulty occurs when these contradictory roles begin to blur and it comes down to deciphering when one is asking for a full independent loving partner and when they are asking to really be parented in an attempt to get the old childhood needs to be finally met at least partially the couple begins to metaphorically engage in incest. And eventually they feel it on a very ?__? level.
It is not something that people really know conciously but they often call each other mommy and daddy.
The solution: They are willing to go in their childhood, grief through the past pain, plug the holes that were there and nurture themselves which s the only way it can be done. It is impossible to get an adult parent to nurture them sufficiently to fill those infantile holes. If a person didn't receive it in childhood, only they can give it to themselves.
Often they come too therapy as a couple.
What they want a therapist to do is to find the one person who is at fault, confront them, fix them and then everything will be wonderful.
But therapist job is to try to convince these people that the real problem is not about the other person, it is about their own lack of individuation.
And If they just allow themselves to go back into their own past history and fix their 1 to 5 main core issues they will feel stronger and be ready for a healthy relationship.
Jef Gazley
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJgmsHIS6qE