Here's looking at you...
Not too many things have happened besides I'm probably about 1/3rd of the way done with my full arm tattoo or my sleeve. I go back in tomorrow for my second session. I feel like I talked too much last time so this time I'm going to bring an audiobook with me and try to tune it out as much as possible. Last time didn't go so well after a while just the sensation traveling up and down my leg reminding me too much of hands I didn't want on my skin the only thing that helps was when he gripped my elbow hard so that I could tell where both his hands were because as much as I like Justin I don't like him that much.
Lately, I've been having dreams about one of my characters Quinn. Dealing with Derek who is his contract holder and the horrible things he makes him do. How he makes Quinn ride his cock as Quinn moans out wishing he could stop his body from feeling those things as he feels his whole face burn with shame that spot that won't shut up shouting louder inside him than anything else ever could drowning out all other sounds and sensations no matter how hard he tries to fight it. How it makes it hard for him to connect to people. How Derek says it means he's a whore. How that is the last thing he wants.
Todd loves him but, Quinn has a hard time believing it. He feels stupid about it. About not being able to believe it. He wants to believe Todd loves him more than he wants to breathe air but he can't. He can't believe that he's any more than a whore. A whore that outgrew his dad and became Derek's a whore that after he outgrows Derek won't have anyone that cares about him. That's how he feels about himself and I find it...beyond sad. The poor kid just wants to believe his boyfriend cares but he can't bring himself to.
It makes me wonder how many people like that are out there. How many boys like Quinn who can't believe they are worth loving because too many people have whispered the word "whore" into their skin. How many girls are out there that believe they are only worth the hole between their legs because too many people have told them they are a slut and that's all they are good for. It makes me wonder how broken our world really is that there are kids who grow believing that's all that they have to offer the world a dirty W or S that might as well be carved into their foreheads because that's all they see when they look in the mirror no matter how many people tell them otherwise, dare them to dream that otherwise might even be possible to whisper.
How many of them will end their lives because they can't believe that their lives are worth living? That they are worth surviving. The idea is beyond overwhelming.
Lately, I've been having dreams about one of my characters Quinn. Dealing with Derek who is his contract holder and the horrible things he makes him do. How he makes Quinn ride his cock as Quinn moans out wishing he could stop his body from feeling those things as he feels his whole face burn with shame that spot that won't shut up shouting louder inside him than anything else ever could drowning out all other sounds and sensations no matter how hard he tries to fight it. How it makes it hard for him to connect to people. How Derek says it means he's a whore. How that is the last thing he wants.
Todd loves him but, Quinn has a hard time believing it. He feels stupid about it. About not being able to believe it. He wants to believe Todd loves him more than he wants to breathe air but he can't. He can't believe that he's any more than a whore. A whore that outgrew his dad and became Derek's a whore that after he outgrows Derek won't have anyone that cares about him. That's how he feels about himself and I find it...beyond sad. The poor kid just wants to believe his boyfriend cares but he can't bring himself to.
It makes me wonder how many people like that are out there. How many boys like Quinn who can't believe they are worth loving because too many people have whispered the word "whore" into their skin. How many girls are out there that believe they are only worth the hole between their legs because too many people have told them they are a slut and that's all they are good for. It makes me wonder how broken our world really is that there are kids who grow believing that's all that they have to offer the world a dirty W or S that might as well be carved into their foreheads because that's all they see when they look in the mirror no matter how many people tell them otherwise, dare them to dream that otherwise might even be possible to whisper.
How many of them will end their lives because they can't believe that their lives are worth living? That they are worth surviving. The idea is beyond overwhelming.