Disney Laced Profanity: Chapter Ten (Rachel/Puck)
So sorry for the delay!!
Chapter Ten
Rachel remembers thinking (not that long ago) that Noah might just be a little dead inside. She’s not sure now how she could have ever come to that conclusion, though, since she’s never met anyone more irritating, infuriating, and confounding in all of her sixteen years. No one who is as fundamentally annoying as Noah Puckerman could possibly be dead inside.
Looking out over the audience, holding the Regionals first-place trophy firmly in both hands, she knows she should be ecstatic. (Rachel can clearly see Sam scowling from his seat in the front row and she makes sure to toss him a sweet smile that could either be interpreted as Thank you so much for passing the torch, we’ve respected your leadership all of these years! OR Whose stuck with a bunch of talent-less teammates, now? Eat it, asshole!).
They performed their songs to the best of their ability. She and Finn performed an amazing duet of As Long As You’re Mine that went off perfectly (the audience was absolutely spell-bound, if she does say so herself). The team received their second standing ovation this year.
Rachel should be bursting at the seams with pride and excitement and, well, GLEE.
But what is she doing? She’s currently trying to resist the urge to bash Noah Puckerman over the head with a very large trophy as he flirts (sending a SIXTH wink) to a blonde in the fourth row (who -- judging by the amount of bosom currently oozing out of her neckline -- is clearly delusional about the size of shirt she really should be purchasing).
*******
This is how it starts
Puck still can’t believe that Rachel managed to talk their way out of getting caught making out at Regionals. Her ability to bullshit adults is yet another possible benefit to dating Berry that he’d never really realized. (Not that he would do something as lame as make a pros and cons list about getting with some chick. And if he did have one, he would never write it down and put it in his wallet. He wouldn’t.)
And while they may have gotten away from the Thoughts and Meditations room without getting their team disqualified, Puck is realizing he’s not getting out of this one completely unscathed.
Cause Rachel? Is pissed.
The one consolation is that he’s not sure if Berry’s madder at him or at herself. He may have successfully gotten a hand up her skirt (if only for 30 glorious seconds), but this is Regionals and Rachel allowed herself to be distracted. Puck may not know much, but even he can see that Berry is going to have a hard time forgiving herself for that one. (Which is fucking stupid. But whatever.)
They make it through the early rounds and everything is going perfectly. Rachel is a woman on a mission, and for once the rest of the team is on the same page. They seem to be inspired by her single minded devotion to winning. The team may hate her forcefulness during rehearsal, but even Kurt seems to be willing to acknowledge that when it comes to game day, no one kicks them all into gear like Rachel.
Puck just thinks the whole thing would be a little bit more fun if Rachel would, you know, look at him every once in awhile. But she hasn’t made eye contact with him once since the Laughing Yoga incident. The weird thing is, he sort of gets it. (And don’t think that him understanding Rachel Berry’s thought process doesn’t freak him the fuck out.) He gets it, but it still pisses him off. You can do a lot of things to Puck, but ignoring him is not one he will let slide. He kind of thinks Rachel should know this by now.
So basically all of Berry’s rage is getting funneled into their routines and somehow turning her solos into show choir gold. (Finn’s pretty fucking awesome too, not that Puck plans on telling him that at any point ever. Nothing is gayer than complimenting another dude on his singing unless it is complimenting another dude on his singing while you are both wearing glitter.)
When they find out they’ve made it into the finals, Rachel shrieks and hugs Finn. That’s when Puck decides he’s had enough. For a day that started out pretty fucking awesome, things have really started going to shit. If Berry won’t acknowledge him, she’s going to find out just how easily he can find someone else who will. (There’s a nagging voice in the back of his head that is suggesting this might not be the best plan, but that’s the good thing about being Puck. He almost always tells that voice to back the fuck off.)
Rachel knows that Noah is growing increasingly annoyed at her, but she doesn’t care. He got her horizontal. At REGIONALS. What was she thinking? (She knows what she was thinking. She was thinking that Noah tastes even more amazing than he smells. But Rachel really doesn’t feel that observation is going to bring her closer to any of her professional goals). The bottom line is that she clearly can’t trust her own judgement when it comes to Noah Puckerman. Their sexual chemistry is just too unpredictable and liable to make her do something she will regret. So for the rest of the today? Noah Puckerman does not exist outside of his role in New Directions.
Once the find out they’ve made it into the finals, Mr. Shuester tells the team they have approximately 30 minutes before he wants to see them for their final warm up of the day. Rachel immediately tries to think of what she can do to stay away from Noah during that thirty minute space of time (she’s sure he is going to go for a return visit to the Thoughts and Meditations Room). She’s so intent on her plans to fend off his advances that it takes her a minute to realize that Noah isn’t actually in the room anymore.
Blinking, she glances around the room in confusion. Is he in the bathroom? Where did he go? When he’s not back 10 minutes later, Rachel frowns. He’d better not be at the snack bar filling up on soda right before their final event. Stranding up, Rachel squares her shoulders and heads to the door. Clearly, it is incumbent upon her as Team Captain to find out where he went.
******
Ignoring Puck is how it started. This is how it continued.....
******
Standing at the snack bar, Puck takes a gulp of his Dr. Pepper and scans the crowd. Turns out? There are some smokin’ hot chicks at this thing. (He’s not quite sure why he is just now noticing this when he’s been here all fucking day.) He spies a blonde giving him the I’m hot and so are you smirk from across the room and he’s at her side in less time than it would take to say Noah Puckerman is a stud.
Tipping his drink towards her, he gives her the head nod with the wink thrown in for good measure (he’s on a time limit -- no use pussyfooting around this thing). “Hey, there.”
Hot girl grins back at him and Puck can’t help but admire her taste in low cut tops. “Hey, yourself.” She reaches over to run a light hand over the top of his ‘hawk. “Love your hair.”
Puck tries not to look too predatory when he grins at her (sometimes it is just too fucking easy).
By the time Rachel spots Noah in the courtyard of the snack bar area, there are only 5 minutes left until the final rehearsal of New Directions is supposed to commence. He’s sitting at a table under a tree with some girl and she can hear him laughing from her position by the door. The teenage girl in her wants to shrink back inside and go cry in the bathroom (is she really that easy to replace for him?) but thankfully the team captain in her is about ten times more strong willed than that. Stalking over to them, her hands are on her hips before her legs stop moving.
“What, exactly, do you think you are doing, Noah Puckerman?”
Puck tries not to grin when he looks up to see Rachel standing over him like some sort of deranged show choir enforcer. Instead, he lets a slow smirk cross his face.
“ ‘Sup, Berry?”
“What’s up? WHAT IS UP?” Rachel closes her eyes for a minute to gather herself. (She didn’t mean to let her voice get quite that shrill. There could very well be a judge sitting out here enjoying a mid afternoon snack, and she needs to remember that.) When she speaks again, her voice has dropped about an octave and is so soft that Puck has to lean forward to make out her words. “What is UP is that you are LATE for rehearsal. I don’t know what you think you are doing...” (she flicks a gaze towards the confused looking blonde across the table) “...but this is extremely unprofessional behavior.”
Puck glances at his watch. “Take a fucking chill pill, Berry. I have plenty of time.” When she opens her mouth to argue with him, he waggles his eyebrows at her, “Unless, of course, you were just looking for me because you wanted to get warmed up for the warm up.”
The blonde giggles and Rachel’s face becomes stony. (She’s not sure WHY that girl is laughing. Does she not realize the guy she’s flirting with is now hitting on Rachel in front of her??).
“You, Noah Puckerman, are an ass.”
Puck just smiles at her. “And yet you keep coming back for more, don’t you sweetheart.”
*********
And that shit? That’s how Noah Puckerman ended up covered in Dr. Pepper shortly before their final rehearsal.