Disney Laced Profanity: Chapter Six (Rachel/Puck)
Chapter Six is here!
First of all, I feel the need to let it be known that I love Finn. Writing him kind of stresses me out, so I hope I did him justice.
Secondly? Reviews make me smile almost as much as new pictures of Mark Salling! (Shocking, I know)
Chapter Six
Sam Baker has dated many girls over the years. (He hates to sound cocky, but getting female attention has never been a problem for him.) He knows the best time to bring flowers, the right things to say to parents, and he’s never had any complaints about his uhm.... abilities.
But dating Rachel Berry? She is something else entirely. Sam never knows how Rachel is going to react to anything. She’s the biggest drama queen he’s ever met (and he’s been in Vocal Adrenaline for FOUR years). She’s loud and kind of crazy, and he never (ever) knows what is going to happen next. When he’s with her, he usually feels like he’s in a foreign land where he doesn’t speak the language and definitely doesn’t own a map.
Honestly? It is kind of awesome.
(Really, Sam would rather say that dating Rachel is fucking awesome, but he’s been trying to cut back on his use of profanity. Rachel has made a point of saying how unattractive she find it on multiple occasions .... which is kind of weird because there was this one time when she did something particularly spectacular with her tongue and he accidentally said Oh Fuck, Rach -- and he’s pretty sure it made her even hotter for him than usual. Sam’s still not sure what that was about.)
Of all the things about dating Rachel, though, Sam thinks that hearing her sing might just be at the top of the list. (Well, no, it really isn’t.....of course making out it the real best thing about dating Rachel, but he’s found that she likes it best when he tells people that his favorite thing is her voice ... and since that’s number two on his list, he doesn’t see the harm in making the adjustment so he can get more of his real number one.)
He’d been scouting other Ohio Glee Clubs on the Internet when he stumbled onto her rendition of Don’t Rain On My Parade on You Tube. To say that he was immediately intrigued would be an understatement. He wasn’t too impressed with the rest of the group, but Rachel was clearly a diamond in the rough. When she’d walked into the Group Vocal Dynamics! class, he’d known immediately that fate was smiling down on him.
And now? Rachel Berry is his.
But she’s been having trouble with some guy at school lately, and it’s really starting to worry him. Rachel’s only a sophomore but she’s the star of their high school Glee Club. How is some senior jerk getting away with bullying her? (And what kind of weird hierarchy do they have at her school when a member of the show choir gets picked on?)
After Rachel tells him about having to call the police, Sam decides he wants to see for himself what is going on, so he drives to Lima to see her (There will be no ruining of his perfect attendance record, by the way. Carmel is having a teacher in-service day. Really, the timing is kind of perfect). Sam tells Rachel that he is going to get there around dinner time, but really he plans on surprising her at rehearsal to try to get a look at the idiot who thinks he can mess with a member of the Glee Club.
When he gets to the school, though, the first thing Sam really gets a good look at is his girlfriend sitting on the lap of some half naked guy.
He’s not sure that was worth the drive.
*******
This is how it starts...
To say that everyone is flabbergasted when she walks in with a topless Puck and wearing a Flaming Lips t-shirt that nearly covers up her plaid skirt would be an understatement. (She really thinks that Kurt may injure himself at some point since he can’t seem to decide what he wants to do more -- admire naked Noah or share We are SO talking about this later looks with Mercedes.) All she can really bring herself to do is stand at the door and twist the hem of his shirt nervously. (Rachel tries to tell herself to just take charge, but for some reason she can’t channel her inner diva at the moment).
Puck sees her nervous hesitation and doesn’t get what her problem is. She’s not the half naked one here. He shoves past her (gently) and puts his arms out.
“Yeah, that’s right, ladies. The Gun Show has arrived.” He smirks, “Please hold your applause until the end.”
He rolls his eyes when no one says anything. Finn and Quinn (sitting on opposite sides of the room) are both frowning--though Quinn looks merely displeased whereas Finn actually looks fairly pissed off. Kurt, Mercedes and Tina are openly gaping. Artie’s examining Rachel with a look that could only be called intrigued. Santana looks bored (as usual). But Matt and Mike? They’re looking at Rachel with grins and nudging each other.
Puck frowns and looks from his friends back to Rachel and suddenly realizes what has caught their attention. Dammit. His shirt is so huge on her that it pretty much covers up her (ridiculously short) skirt. Puck can’t fucking believe he didn’t notice that Rachel Berry is standing in the doorway of the music room looking like she’s wearing his t-shirt and not much else. (And actually, it would be handy to have that t-shirt back right about now since his pants just got a lot more uncomfortable and he’s shit out of anything else to use as coverage.) He glares at his friends (the fuckheads) while he walks as quickly as possible (given his issue) to the nearest chair.
(Matt and Mike are now smirking and he suspects they understand his problem just a little too well).
Rachel follows Noah’s lead and quickly walks over to sit in the chair next to him. When none of her classmates makes any move to stop staring or say anything, she lifts her chin and address their (still gaping) teacher.
“Noah and I apologize for the interruptions, Mr. Schuester.” (At this Noah raises both eyebrows and gives her a look that says Speak for yourself) “We have very little time to waste before Regionals, and it is unforgivable of us to have taken time away from the group. Please continue on with whatever you were teaching the group in our absence.”
Mr. Schuester clears his throat. “Hm. Right. Of course. Rachel is correct.” He scans the room and sees that no one (except Rachel) is looking at him. “Right. Why don’t we try something familiar today. How about Somebody to Love to start out and then we’ll hit a few more favorites.”
Once he gets them up out of their chairs and into the choreography, things return to a (somewhat) normal level.
Everything seems to be going well as the rehearsal progresses except for one thing. Rachel is having trouble focusing. She’s trying to sing the chorus to Don’t Stop Believing with Finn, but all she can really think about is how incredibly good Noah’s shirt smells. Like, ridiculously good. (She wonders if anyone has noticed that she keeps smelling herself in between songs. Hopefully not. That’s weird even for her.) Frankly, she is more than a little surprised at how good the shirt smells because traditionally, teenage boys are not known for their stellar bathing habits. And while she has never known Noah to have issues with body odor -- she doesn’t remember him smelling quite so lovely, either.
Finn shoots her a funny look when she misses (another) spin from him because she was feeling the hem of her (Noah’s) shirt.
Puck is having trouble focusing as well -- but nobody gives a shit because he’s just in the back row slapping his thigh and doing lots of “Dah Dah Dahs” (He suspects he could start flicking his nipple ring to the beat and no one would notice at this point). Puck starts off by watching Berry’s tan legs peep out from under his shirt (that is one fucking piece of clothing that is seriously never getting washed again) but pretty soon he notices something weird.
Rachel is sniffing herself. Like, a lot.
At first he’s not sure if she’s just freaking about B.O. or what. Then he starts to wonder if she’s still smelling grape juice on herself. But Rachel keeps getting this weird little smile and then she actually loses her place in the music a time or two (which means some damn pigs must be flying around Lima right now). And that’s when Noah Puckerman’s day gets good. Like, really fucking good. Because Rachel Berry? Is totally getting off on smelling essence of Puck on his shirt.
He is so the fucking man.
*****
Believe it or not, sniffing really is how it began. This is how it continued....
********
Mr. Schuester brings practice to an early end. He manages to get the group through three songs, but he doesn’t want to push his luck. (Besides, he kind of wants to get home early.... he does have a date with Emma tonight, after all). When he lets them go with forty-five minutes of practice left, Rachel shoots him a displeased look but doesn’t say anything.
Puck is just about to ask Rachel if she needs a ride home when Finn walks over, once again looking pissed off. He gets right to the point.
“What exactly is going on with you two?”
Rachel looks rather shocked at his accusatory tone. (Puck’s not surprised but he does find it annoying. This is the first time Finn’s talked to him in over a month and all he can do is ask about Berry? Figures.) She frowns at both of them.
“Finn, I’m not sure what you are talking about. Absolutely nothing is going on with me and Noah.” (Puck’s level of annoyance just increased but he keeps his mouth shut.) Rachel’s hands go to her hips. “Just what kind of sordid implication are you making?”
Finn looks back and forth between them. “I don’t know what sordid implication means, Rach. But if it means that something weird is going on -- then well, yeah. I guess that is what I’m saying.” He shoves his hands in the pockets of his jacket. “I thought you had this new boyfriend you were all in love with. What happened to HIM?” Rachel starts to look upset and gnaw on her bottom lip. Finn’s face softens, and he gently takes her shoulder to pull her slightly away from Puck. “More importantly, since when does Puck know about guys that are bothering you, Rach? Why did you tell him and not me?”
Rachel looks at Finn but has no idea what to say. He’s been off in his own land of betrayed pain for weeks and weeks. She doesn’t blame him for that, but how on earth can she explain that everything changed while he wasn’t looking? Particularly when she doesn’t understand it herself. She and Puck keep saying they aren’t friends.....yet they also can’t seem to leave each other alone.
Watching Finn act like a jealous 12 year old would normally be entertaining for Puck, but not like this. Finn has been one of the few sure things in his life for a really long time, and then he’d lost him because of Quinn fucking Fabray (or should he say because he fucked Quinn Fabray?). And now things are getting even worse because of Rachel Berry? Shit.
Puck runs a hand over his mow-hawk. “Look, man. Don’t read too much into this. I’m just helping Crazy out. It doesn’t mean anything.”
Rachel darts a look his way and shit ... he knows in about two-seconds flat he hurt her feelings. (He refuses to wonder when he became such an expert at reading her face.)
Finn’s face turns red. “Yeah, just like you banging my girlfriend didn’t mean anything? Just like making me the father of your little bastard didn’t MEAN anything?”
Puck’s hands ball up into fists and he wishes like shit he had on a shirt because he feels more than a little exposed right now and really doesn’t fucking like it. Clearly not digging the tension in the room, Rachel lays a (ridiculously cold) hand on his arm while she addresses Finn.
“Look, I know you’re still angry, Finn. You have every right to be. But don’t make this about something it’s not. Noah was just helping me. Just like you would help me.”
(Puck sighs. That? Was the wrong thing to say.)
Flinching as Finn’s face gets redder (which she didn’t really know was possible), Rachel quickly takes her hand off of Puck’s arm.
“Puck is nothing like me, Rach. How can you compare our friendship to what you have with this asshole? He fucks anything that moves! He tossed drinks on you for years. He only joined the Glee club to get sex with old chicks.” Finn sniffs (and Puck prays that he’s not going to fucking cry) “He was my best friend and look what he did to me. I can’t trust him, Rach, and I sure as hell can’t trust him with you.”
Puck’s knuckles start to pop in his clenched fists, but it isn’t because he wants to hit Finn. The dude already hates him and now this stupid thing (that isn’t even really a thing) with Rachel Berry is making it worse. Fuck. He slides his hands into his jean pockets (and not because they might be shaking like some lame ass).
“Alright fine. I admit it.” He has to work at it for a second, but he finds his smirk. “I’m helping Berry out because I want in her pants. I didn’t think it was a big fucking deal, but I guess I was out of line. If you want me to back off, I’ll back off, man. She’s doesn’t mean shit to me one way or the other.”
The next thing Puck knows, he’s face down on the floor, staring at the legs of the piano. (Apparently he guessed wrong and that wasn’t what Finn wanted to hear.) He sits up gently and rubs his bleeding temple.
“Fuck man. Guess you really did learn how not to hit like a girl.”
Finn shoots him a look of disgust before grabbing his backpack and leaving with a muttered goodbye to Rachel. Puck sits on the floor and waits for Rachel to follow him. She walks over to her bag, but instead of picking it up for the inevitable storm out, she opens it and starts digging around. Eventually she pulls out a small, white box. Turning back to him, she rolls her eyes.
“Are you going to sit there and pout all day or are you going to get up?”
Rachel sighs when Noah just sits and stares at her in confusion. She decides to speak his language. Walking over to him, she plants a firm kick on his ass. “Get up, you pansy.” He quickly stands up and shoots her a glare, but she just points him towards a chair. “Sit.” (To be honest, Rachel’s kind of amazed when he obeys.)
Puck is so confused that she’s still in the room, he doesn’t think to argue with her. He watches her walk over towards his chair and gently part his knees so she can stand between them (and he tries very very hard to not think about Rachel and blowjobs). When she lays down the white box on his knee, he finally notices that it is a small first aid kit. (He knew she could have helped him out with that hangover! He knew it.)
As she starts to dab ointment on the cut over his eyebrow, Rachel frowns.
“You really are kind of an idiot, you know that?”
Puck is just so relieved that she’s there, that’s she touching him, and that she’s talking to him in that soft voice he only gets to hear when they’re alone -- he can’t do anything but grin at her. She shakes her head and picks up the box to dig for a bandage. Puck sees this as an opening and gently puts a hand on her hip to nudge her down until she’s perched on his thigh (And just like the last time, he can’t help but think about how fucking tiny she really is. How is something this small such a force of nature?)
Rachel doesn’t smile, but she gives him a stern look (which is almost as good) as she reaches up to finish putting the bandage on his eyebrow. She doesn’t even pretend like she’s thinking about getting up.
******
And that? That’s how Sam found out Rachel Berry wasn’t quite as much his as he thought.