but I'm sick of spending these lonely nights training myself not to care

[ophealia]

I like to pretend like I put a lot of effort into my school work, but I don’t, which is probably why I'm doing so terribly. I wish I could make myself read and study on days that I don’t really have to, like Katie. I wish I felt the need to attend every lecture like its my dream job, like Alicia, instead of making excuses that seem perfectly viable in my head as to why I didn’t go. I am beginning to realize that college isn’t for average people, it's not standard, it's not, dare I say, high school. It has the ability to beat the living shit out of someone's dream, even if it’s a dream that’s been on planned and elaborated on since preschool, and I'm tired of getting slapped around. There’s a neurobiology class that I really want to take, but I've been told that it’s only easy if you read for it, about 4 hours a day. How am I supposed to be motivated to put up with that? I'm sorry, I love biology and the brain, but not that much, then again, I never actually tried to attempt an interest. And to tie in the subject of this entry, what I'm tired of is making myself numb to the fact that I'm not doing well in school, pretending like I work hard, and shits just ridiculous.

This is a pointless entry; honestly, all I need is some sleep. Tomorrow is a new day, with a new exam. Everything could turn out completely different. A blank slate that’s filled with possibilities. Routine? I don’t think so. Open your eyes; free the mind; let yourself go; enjoy the weather.